Well, my H found out that I was snooping in his email while he was away at a conference. He asked me if I did it and I admitted. I then told him that I knew he cheated on me. He denied it at first and I kept telling him I read the emails and I know what happened. He finally admitted it.

So, he kept asking me if I was going to leave him and I said that I did not know. That we needed to talk about a lot of things. He left his conference early and drove the five hours home and skipped his night class.

We talked all night. He said he was so sorry and that he would never do anything like that again. He said it was just the one time and that it only happened because she initiated it after he broke down crying about me and feeling lonely. That didn't really make me feel any better but at least it was just once. So he said.

The problem I am having is the fact that he lied about it when I first asked him in July to tell me if anything happened on his trip. He told me he only talked to her. I could probably forgive the one night stand but I don't know how to trust him to tell me the truth ever again.

I also asked him, yet again, to end all contact with her as it is obvious from his emails that he has not after he said he ended things with her in August. He said that he would stop all contact now but I asked how I would know that he is telling me the truth. He didn't have an answer for me. He also doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't believe they do any good.

The other problem is that the OW still believes that they are going to be together and continue to talk to and see each other. She wrote me an email basically telling me to accept that and move on with my life for our kids. Needless to say, I had a few words to email back to her.

I also made the mistake of telling my mother, sister, and best friend about what he did and they all want me to leave him. How am I going to deal with that if we decide to stay together?

We both still love each other but it doesn't change the issues at hand.

Not sure what to do now. Help?

jayla

Well Jayla, that was a quick turn-around. Now you need to decide if you want a better marriage, and can commit to that, or if you would rather not try.

As far as the lying, that is what they all do while having an affair. He will have to regain your trust, and that will take some time.

He also needs to write another no contact letter to OW. It needs to say that he loves you and is staying with you and working on his marriage. He needs to tell her that she is a hindrance and he desires no contact with her ever again for any reason.

Then you need to sit down together and make a plan to recover. You need to feel safe that the A will not continue. He needs to do the work to make that happen.

Oops, wrong thread

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Click on the link in my signature line. The attitude of family and friends is common, but they don't know how people can recover from this. We do.

Well, the OW called H yesterday morning after reading the email I sent to her. She could not believe that he didn't erase their emails to each other and felt that he owed her an apology. She told him that she was never going to speak to him again. Somehow I don't really believe that.

She also called our house and I was not home. She then emailed me to say she was "sorry" and that if she knew that H and I were not divorcing she never would have encouraged him to see her. She stated that since H could not make a decision, she was making it for him and would be ending all contact with him.

However, she also convinced me that H called her this weekend with a message of undying love. She played me the message over the phone and of course I am p***ed. She also told me the exact opposite information about the affair that H told me.

I confront H about the message and he denies how could he have called her since he was with me practically the entire weekend. There was no record of the call on his cell. He said it had to have been a message from earlier on in the A when he was calling her a lot. Don't know if I believe that either.

I realize that I got suckered by her but now I am still upset with my H. I do not know why. I want to give our marriage another try but I really don't know how.

How do I forgive and move on with the fear that it could happen again? Everytime I think I can put what happened in the back of my mind, I see images of the two of them together.

He has now openly shared his email account with me and deleted all the emails from her. He has also started openly showing me his cell phone call logs to prove that he has not initiated contact with her. I still fear that he could have opened another email account and started using a calling card to call her. In my heart I don't really feel that he would do that but it is so hard to feel secure again.

How do I get over this and move forward?

You start in Plan A and stay there. At first it is very hard, but does get better. Your husband does sound like he is making an effort.

I would not pay too much attention to what OW says. She may be trying to make you mad, so that she can have your husband.

Try to calm down, and stick with us. We will help you through this.