My husband of 5 1/2 yrs and father of my two boys, 6 & 3 just told me that he has had an affair with a younger woman for the past 3 years. It allegedly ended last year sometime, he can't recall the month. For 2 years I suspected it and literally lost my mind. I had to quit my jobs because I was so insecure. Then after leaving his family for the 15th time or so he wanted to come back and he told me the truth about his affair so we could start fresh. But he has put me through SO much because of this and he had the nerve to make me believe that I was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> making all this up because I was a psycho. So now I am pist, extremely hurt and so confused. I think he loved this girl because why the same girl for so long if no attachment? He claims it was because she always made herself available for him and made him feel special. Well yeah I gave him a hard time because he never worked and still verbally abuse me whenever I got home and the kids would be starving and the house a mess and he expected me to do it all. Imagine, I was busting my [censored] while he would go and screw a little girl. Yes, she was only 17 when they began their affair. She is 21 now and she broke it off because why, I think because he never had the nerve to break it off with me and she got tired of waiting. He was heartbroken, what a jerk! He would've kept this up if it wasn't for her. I ask questions and he gets upset with me and ends up leaving to his sister's house, which by the way the other woman leaves next door to. Just yesterday I called for him and he pratically was telling me off and acting like a jerk and told me he would call me back and wasn't paying any attention to what I was saying. I again suspected him to be screwing her because this behavior is still fresh in my memory. He claims once again I am crazy. I am willing to leave this jerk but I need to have the answers to my questions but he never answers anything. He just stays quite or tells me off. What is up?

Confused -

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Many of us have been the same thing (feeling crazy) only to find out that we were being cheated on.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

Is your husband working now?

No, he still has no job.I know he is involved again with her or another woman. He is acting like a complete jerk again. Calling me names and putting me down was always his sign because he feels bitter being here and not with her. I don't understand why he doesn't just choose her and tell me the truth. I would understand if he just told me plain out that he wants to be with her. Why does he keep holding me on if he is so unhappy? He is so mean and if I have a question that catches him in a lie his response is F#%# You! He pisses me off so badly that I want to hurt him. I stooped to his level and I'm showing signs of infidelity but I am true to him. Why I can't I let him go. I did read Plan A and it scared me when I read that the betrayed spouse should be on anti-depressents. I completely feel that I should be. I get so angry and depressed over this and my husband could care less. He just told me that what he did was nothing. Can you believe this? He can never take responsibilty for his actions. How can I be pleasant and tactful when it comes to asking about his affair when I feel so hurt?

It might be good to get some anti-depressants. They will level off the pain, and help you do what you need to do to save your marriage.

Most WS's are cold and nasty to their spouses, so if you know that, it might be easier not to take it so personally.

All of this is miserable at first, but does get better.

Why isn't your husband working?

Why doesn't he work? Well that is a good question. He doesn't work because he is lazy and always depends on me to take care of everything. But I have not been able to get or even want to get a job because I know that I will be a scatterbrain during my work hours and my performance will be poor.
He really does not care anymore if this relationship continues or not. He admited to me that after our 1st child was born that he no longer was in love with me and felt that I wasn't faithful so that is why he pursured with this girl. But he is trying to play mind games. He tells me he never had sex with her and then I get upset and ask if he is just lieing then he answers no. So which is it? He does not have the ability to accept responsibility for his actions. He asks me not to ask for details because it makes him feel bad. What!#@#!$ It makes me feel bad. He also says that every time after sex he felt bad, then I reply but during I'm sure you felt good. If he felt sooo bad then why continue with her for so long? I don't understand him anymore and I feel like I am not married and that this man is just a stranger in my house. He has so many secrets and lies and I feel like I'm the only fool who doesn't know about it all. Please help. I feel like tearing my out or running him over.

Please get some anti-D's. We have had several people crashing their cars into things and each other, and all you end up with is a wrecked car.

Your husband is like all the others that have affairs. He is trying to justify it and blame you.

Start in Plan A. You need to get grounded and settled down before you do anything. While it is miserable at first, it gets better, I promise. You can either go on to have a much better marriage or a better life without him.

I went to the doctor and they have been prescribed. I can't take it anymore. He is so arrogrant and selfish. He is such a [censored]. He says why should he make me forgive him if I am not God. I shouldn't judge him. We used to talk about everything. Now he thinks I am his enemy. Why, what have I done? He says because I call him out on his mistakes and make him face his responsibilties that is why he wants to break up with me. What is that? Why can't he just tell me that he doesn't love me and wants out? I need to get away.

Okay, that is a start, but they will probably take a few weeks to kick in. However they will really help.

To answer your question, you didn't do anything to deserve this. Your husband is just behaving like they all do. They get very selfish, cold, and lie like crazy.

Your best bet is to get into Plan A and quit discussing your relationship. Try to do some things that are nice for yourself. Your self-esteem is probably in the toilet. You need to take care of you right now.

Great your taking steps! Antidepressents arent' that bad. You'll start to think clearly ...really.

Once the freshness wears off.... you will be able to settle down a bit. Take time for yourself. Change your hair color , buy a new outfit..anything that make you feel good about yourself. Once you start getting that "i'm not bad" feeling...He will notice. Maybe even a little silence and doing a few things out of the usually might help.

These are some of the things I started to get on with plan A. I 'm still working on it ...but I'm seeing progress, getting answers and not feeling sooooo crazy!

I can relate ...one relationship was casual for 4 years. The other one was twice with a star struck women...that ending with a OC born August 3

Hang in there....I feel your anger and pain as many of us on this sight do.
Keep posting it helps!

Lori

Wow, I am so sorry. OC with OP is really hard. I am also suspecting that my H is also expecting. The OW is pregnant and she is due around Oct/Nov. My H refuses to tell when it ended so I suspect that he can't tell me because I can do the math. His family has began to lie to me about her as well. His sister had made up this story regarding a husband. But I know that is false. So my little crazed mind is thinking the worse.
He denies it but there has been several incidents where he acted like he used to.
I am getting really tired of this and I am about to be a WAW. He told me the other day that he did not regret his affair for it has already happened. That felt like a knife slicing up my heart, again.

Well, I hope everything is okay between you and your H. How has your kids dealt with the OC?