To make a long story short...i just found out yesterday that my husband of less than a year has (again) been on the internet at porn sights and paying OUR money towards this "habit." It was an awful day, with him admitting to what he had done. (Background...this is the 3rd time - 2nd in our marriage - that i found out that he is visiting these pay sites.) The first time, I was angry and let it go after a few days...but this time I dont know if I can do it so easily. I estimate that he has used over 1000 dollars of our savings for obtaining his "pleasures." Another thing I should mention is that we have some problems in our sex life. He has a much higher sex drive than I, and it causes tension in our relationship. NOT that I am condoning what he did...but I do think that this may be a contributing factor as to why he is doing what he is doing. This is tough b/c I have NO ONE to talk to...everyone thinks that our marriage is perfect - as did I until yesterday. He appears to be very upset and sorry and has even said that he would do anything for me not to leave him....even counseling, which from past conversations I know that he is skeptical about. I really want to make this work, but I feel so decieved. I am depressed and so sad...so much so that I dont even feel like eating or getting up. Now I know that this is not as serious as "actual" cheating, but I still feel so incredibly deceived. Please help...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to come to, and there are many others facing the same issue - internet porn addiction.

You might want to post on the general questions forum, since weekends are very slow.

One thing that comes to mind is the marriagebuilders Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). That means that if both people in the marriage are not in enthusiastic agreement, it doesn't happen.

The other thing is you may want to double up on the sex. Somehow you need to compromise so that both parties are getting their emotional needs met.

Would your husband consider posting here?

Wifey-

same thing transpired in my marriage. While engaged it started..didnt care too much... after married it kept on and it hurt more and more.

He didnt have money to spend but the browsing late at night while I was asleep was extensive. He promised over and over not to do this anymore since I was so hurt. He slowed down or tried to hide better really is all thru the years. It does put a huge ding in your self esteem.. makes you feel so inadequate, doesn't it? Yes, its semi-normal for men to want to look at porn and would be "no big deal" if it were something done once in a while or without such a neediness to it- and spending over 1,000?? Consider that CHEAP compared to my H NOW HAVING TO support the child he conceived w/his cheating partner for 18 years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . At this point you can try hard to nip it in the bud w/counselling/you setting firm boundaries or lots of open talk w/him, etc...

Let this be a big RED FLAG to you. It was to me and I told him many times this was the step before him seeking "real" girls to be able to fulfill his very very HIGH sex drive. Well, as you can see- he got one alright.

I am very sorry to hear that your H has this addiction to porn. Your H does indeed need IC [individual counseling] and it should be a deal breaker that he attend. It is not only for the sake of the marriage and you but ultimately for his wellbeing as well. But at the same time BOTH of you need MC [marriage counseling or coaching] with a pro-marriage professional to discover and satisfy each others most important EN [emotional needs]. Check out the following:

Marriage Builders Counseling Service.
Save Your Marriage Central .
The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) .
The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) .

Patrick Carnes has a good book called "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction: that might be helpful for the two of you. Clashing libidos is a common theme on MB and it may take some innovative solutions to get to a place where you both feel satisfied AND secure....as well as cared for and protected. What would help you be enthusiastic about providing more sex for your husband? As much as I detest online porn....I have a great deal of sympathy for men who have a high sex drive and a partner who isn't enthusiastic about providing as much SF as they need. All that testosterone builds up and needs to go somewhere! In terms of freguency....on the average...how many times a week would be satisfying for him....and how many times would you like?