I found out a week ago about an affair my wife has been having for the past 3 or 4 months.
This has shaken me to my very core. I can't sleep, eat, keep calm, keep the demons from my mind, or hardly function.
I try to understand the situation she and I created over the past years that led up to this. I see all the things I've done wrong. The blinders being lifted.
I can't stand to be away from her, I can stand when I'm with her to not talk to her, hold her ( or try to). Just trying to make it all better, trying to make it go away.
I can't stand living with this any longer. I love her with my heart and soul, I always have. Yet, she is still in love with another man. I don't know if she is going to really end it. She says yes, she says she wants to make things work, but I can't trust her.
I keep falling apart, crying for hours on end.
And I'm all alone. She won't try to comfort me, she says can't comfort me because she is the cause of the hurt.
I know I've smothered her for the past week. But I don't know any other way to be.
I'm so sorry for all I've done to cause this, all the things I could have done different so she wouldn't have been driven away.
We sacraficed so much so our children would always be with one of us (not plunked in daycare). I would work during the day, she at night. But after years, we have great kids, but no marriage left. She has replaced me with a co-worker.
I'm so lost and hurt, I don't know where to turn, what to do, mostly I can't hide the pain from those around me any longer...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. There are a ton of men here going through just what you are going through, and a lot of them that have reconciled with their wives.

You might want to post on the general quesitons forum as there is more traffic there, and you will get many more responses.

If you are completely miserable and unable to function, you might try some anti-depressants. I know that men don't like to take them, but they do help.

Also start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

It is miserable when you first find out, but it gets much better. So stick with us and we will help you through this.

NAPLES

you have come to the right place at least.

Only 4 months ago I was shocked as well when my wife told m of her affair.
Its tough, it hurts and you want it to go away, but it wont.

FIRST, though you recognise you had some input to the situation which led your wife to choose to cheat, the truth is SHE and only SHE decided to cheat and betray her Marriage. You have no responsibility for that.

ok, now, you need to read every thing on this site, plan A plan B especially.
Thirdly get a good marriage counsellor, one who wants to save YOUR M. Both you & your wife need to commit to going to this counsellor. The Harleys are very good and you may want to use them by contacting them from this site.

For any recovery to happen your wife must commit to NO CONTACT with the OM at all.
This will be hard for her and until she can dissolve the feelings she has for the OM with time and with your cooperation by doing PLAN A and counselling, then yes she will be unable to comfort you at all.
This may also involve her leaving her work as well as this was the place of her affair, she must be willing to do this for the M to recover unless your counsellor and you and she, decide otherwise.

Naples, I also suggest you go see your doctor and ask if you should be prescribed some anti depressants as you seem to be very down right now. This can help some people a lot to get through this most difficult period.

I do think your best move is to read the info on this site & then contact Steve Harley here as soon as possible & go from there.

Good luck and continue to post if that helps you, as it does me, on this site.

Naples,

Here's 2 cents worth from a man whose been there. Actually who's still there. you'll hear read these same things over and over on the site.

1) You share the blame with your W for the marriage problems but NOT the A. That is TOTALLY on her shoulders.
2) Your finding out may be enough to end the A (the case with my W's first) but maybe not. My W's second continued for months after I found out and didn't end until I called the OM's (other mans) W and told her everything. Believe it or not, she was VERY grateful!! If I hadn’t done this, it would still be going on. If the OM is married, call his wife. Like you, my W's A's were with co-workers. DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES THAT THEY "HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER"!!!!!! I listened to that for 2 months.
3) Take care of YOURSELF.
4) Get into IC (individual counseling). It has and continues to help me a great deal. See if your employer as a program in place to provide free short term (few months) counseling to get started or go through you insurance if you have it.
5) Get into marriage counseling (MC).


It's not much but it's what I can offer. Like I said, I've been there and have felt the same way you do. Still do but I'm coping a bit better these days, at least as far as my own emotional health. You'll hear much more here from people who have been more successful than I have been to date. Good luck.

Not to mix forums, but questioning Plan A, how much time until I suggest/require/put-into-place such a "plan". My twisted stomach says the sooner the better.
But my common sense tells me maybe things need to cool between my wife and her lover.
Are there timing rules of thumb? Or are there signs I can gleen from her actions (which I question the motive of each), that tell me she is truely ready to commit to something like plan A.

Also,

I just confronted her lover at his home(within the past hour), telling him to leave her alone. He was shocked and scared, as he assumed I had no clue as to his name, address...personal details. He's also married.
While I would NEVER!!!! drag his spouse into the pain I feel, I got the impression he wasn't so sure.
Was that the wrong thing for me to do?
I feel guilty about it.
I'm just so haunted by everything. I can't stop shaking. And while drugs may help, I don't want to use them. Is there any other way to curb the images of them together? The gut wrenching desire to die? The guilt I feel?

Naples

you can start PLAN A right now. But make sure you understand it. Mostly its about YOU. To do those things to make you and your M attractive to your wife. This can be very lonley for a long time but just read Bob Pures story on Genreal Questions 11 and you'll see it works for many.

Ok confronting the OM is ok & as long as you do not illeagally threaten etc it can be empowering to you.

Telling the OM's wife is a good move!!. Its called exposure here.
Why?
it places pressure on the OM & your wife to end the Affair AND it also givs the wife of the OM some chance to rebuild her M as well.
Be kind, be gentle as possible but clearly let her know all that you do & how you found out and where it happened.
To be blunt, It keeps the OM busy trying to save his own [censored] instead of chasing your wifes, that simple.

You do not warn your W or the OM you are doing it, you just do it.
EXPECT your w to be angry at you for it, thats very usual. Also to hear at this time things like 'now you've done it there no chance for us now' etc etc etc dont argue just say you are sad to hear that or something like that.

It would appear from the OM's response to you appearing at his home that he has had no intention of wanting to leave his M, to him its an addition to the M not a replacement. YOur Wife thinks its love and all that, typical fantasy response which is called the FOG here.
You will get to hear a lot of fog talk from her over the next few months and should not take too much of what is said to heart, though it can hurt like h*ll.

get to it Naples, you can win her back !! But patience & love, lots of both I'm afraid without getting much back for awhile.

Didn't ans you about the images.......I am having BIG issues with them as well, everyone says time, time will lessen the impact of them.

God I hope so!!
Most times I can put them aside, departmentalize them from my day to day interactions, but they sneak through at the most inconvenient times and places.

I dont think you can do too much with them until your wife is in no contact - NC - then you can start to put them aside a bit. When she is able to talk about the affair you will probably want to know a lot and they will come back wih a vengence & settle down. Get rid of them??? well I can hope.

We guys seems to be very visual in these circumstances, maybe some of our very long term guys can give a good way to reduce the images, I ahaven't really found one yet.

Sorry mate.

Listen to all these folks!

Don't do the mistakes we have made! Do this to stop the affair ASAP:

1. Tell the OM's wife

2. Tell the OM you want him to STOP calling your wife, but do not threat mim.

3. Wife will have to get another job and agree to NC. This is the most important step.

4. Wife fell in love with OM or thinks she is in love. Therefore, do not thrash the OM in front of her even if the OM is scum. Wife will try to defend OM if you put him dowmn and will actually like him more.

5. Read this thread about OMs. Have your wife read it.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018553


My wife's OM said he would be very understanding if his wife had an A and would say "Where did I go wrong honey? How can I make it better for you." In other words OMs use soothing language and never get upset. Therefore try not to have fights or be upset with the wife. Tell her you want to support her and that your goal is to save the marriage. Have her read the site's material. Don't put the OM down, in fact try to be smooth like the OM. Eventually after many months your wife will realize OM is scum.

6. Install spy software on the computer and consider tapping the phones. Do this for your own peace of mind. Do not give away this until you are sure she has stopped calling the OM.

7. You will have to make her fall in love with you again.

She may only be in a very mild EA, but you have to play to win. The kisses could be the tip of the iceberg, it could very well be a PA.

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

First off, IBID to everything Aussie and Stan had to say. Good words and advice. One point I'd like to expand Upon. Re: your comment "I would NEVER!!!! drag his spouse into the pain I feel". Guess what. SHE'S ALREADY THERE!!! She just doesn't know WHY!! The best thing you can do for everyone involved is tell her.

Don't know if this will help but here is how it went for me about 2 weeks ago. I told my wife, and she the OM, that I was going to tell the OM's W. OM called me asking (begging) me not to tell her; that he wanted to be the one. Gave him 24 hours. Ended up being a week because I was busy with work (i.e. gutless). With that time, I was sure he had told her. Called her and she had NO IDEA. I thought my heart literally would explode out of my chest. On her part, she knew "something was very wrong" and had questioned him about OW in the past. She was VERY thankful for my coming to her and said so on multiple occasions. Now, they are working on their M, we are working on ours, and we are watching our spouses, ready to raise the alarm if anything suspicious comes up.

Bottom line: Your relationship with your wife is going NOWHERE as long as the OM is in the picture. As long as your W is focused on the OM, she can't focus on you and your M. Take him out (figuratively, not literally) and you can start to repair the damage. For my part, we are taking it to the extreme. My W is quitting her job and we are moving back down south. Like a drug addict, take the user out of his/her addicted environment. Take away anything that promotes memories and the urge. Then she can work on a better life.

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong> I found out a week ago about an affair my wife has been having for the past 3 or 4 months.
This has shaken me to my very core. I can't sleep, eat, keep calm, keep the demons from my mind, or hardly function.
I try to understand the situation she and I created over the past years that led up to this. I see all the things I've done wrong. The blinders being lifted.
I can't stand to be away from her, I can stand when I'm with her to not talk to her, hold her ( or try to). Just trying to make it all better, trying to make it go away.
I can't stand living with this any longer. I love her with my heart and soul, I always have. Yet, she is still in love with another man. I don't know if she is going to really end it. She says yes, she says she wants to make things work, but I can't trust her.
I keep falling apart, crying for hours on end.
And I'm all alone. She won't try to comfort me, she says can't comfort me because she is the cause of the hurt.
I know I've smothered her for the past week. But I don't know any other way to be.
I'm so sorry for all I've done to cause this, all the things I could have done different so she wouldn't have been driven away.
We sacraficed so much so our children would always be with one of us (not plunked in daycare). I would work during the day, she at night. But after years, we have great kids, but no marriage left. She has replaced me with a co-worker.
I'm so lost and hurt, I don't know where to turn, what to do, mostly I can't hide the pain from those around me any longer... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry I don't have any advise to offer, but wanted you to know that I could have written this post about my own situation. I am right there with you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MIF?

Thank you all for the support.

I'm trying to deal with this in the clearest manner I can. Albeit, too clearly if you ask my spouse. I
've read things about the Plan A stuff.
Then keeping a cool head, I wrote her a letter and gave it to her before she went to work last night. Telling her, basicly that she should quit her job, and never come in contact with the OM again. She should do it because "she" sees it is the best thing for our relationship. I told her I was willing to support her through this the best I could

Her job is so important to her, and while I'm devastated, even now, don't want to take things away from her that are important.

So I conceeded a point in my letter to her. Telling her if she was going to continue working there OMW must know everything.

She was furious. Protecting him I'm sure. I understand that at least.

I still do not think I can tell OMW. I have hurt so much this past week I still hurt more than I ever thought possible. NO PART OF ME would wish that on another person. I've read the pricipals of total honesty, and how it's the best thing. While I agree with that between a couple, I don't see how I can be the cause of such grief, or even be the messenger.

I don't know how to make Plan A work. She is adament about keeping her job, she's agreed to cut her hours and nights working, from six to three (that starts next week).

Plan A is as I understand it a negotiation. Do I understand that correctly. If so, is there give and take. Do I take a little now and ask for more later. Or do I force the issue.

I know there are many factors that cause people to remain in relationships. Topping that list quite often are children. I've made a point to leave them out of this. I don't want to "use" them to hold her. In fact if that is the reason she were to stay, I wouldn't want her around.
I guess I don't want them to grow up sensing any resentment between their parents.

I wish I could see positive actions from her.
I feel so alone..

Naples:

YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!
YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OM’s WIFE!

Trust me on this one. Your WW will be very upset, this is quite typical for a WW------------ my wife was exactly the same, however, in my case the OM was separated from his wife. Even so, I wanted to tell the wife’s OM and my wife became violently mad. The WW has loyalty to the OM and they don’t want to face an angry phone call from the OM saying: “How could you do this to me?” Practically all WW(s) protect the OM, that is a well-known fact. The WW wants to save face with the OM. The last thing they want to do is hurt the feelings of the OM. At this moment your feelings are less important to your wife.

If you tell the OM’s wife the affair may end instantly. Some OM(s) dump the OW as soon as wife finds out. If the OM’s wife knows she will be your ally and will watch the OM as you do your wife. This will make it harder for them.

Your wife needs to find another job. Visual contact with the OM while she is trying to fix the marriage is not a good idea. Within this context your WW will be in perpetual withdrawal even if she does not resume the affair. And this is likely is there is visual contact.

NO CONTACT IS NEEDED FOR SUCCESS!

NO CONTACT IS NEEDED FOR SUCCESS!

NO CONTACT IS NEEDED FOR SUCCESS!

NO CONTACT IS NEEDED FOR SUCCESS!

No contact includes no phone, no email, no looking at pictures or saving presents from the OM. Even reading old emails can perpetuate the withdrawal. EVERYTHING MUST GO! My wife refuses to throw away the presents from the OM and she is still in withdrawal. My wife kept talking to OM even thou affair had ended and all she did was prolong the agony of withdrawal. As long as your wife is in withdrawal you cannot start to fix your marriage.

BTW, your wife will say things to you that do not make sense at all. Do not try to understand fog talk--- it is impossible.

Naples

I do think you need a reality check right now and a gentle 4x2 smack to wake up.
I know you are hurting and feel powerless, confused and bewildered.
BUT YOU MUST TAKE ACTION NOW.

Naples you are seriously handicapping yourselve by rejecting the option to expose.
Look at this situation, your WW is protecting her OM who is MARRIED so she can continue her affair with him!!!
This is classic ww behaviour.

YOU did not cause any hurt to the OMW, your wife & her H did that. Dont you think she has the same right as you to decide if she wants to stay M to a cheater?? How do you know this is a first or a tenth affair for him???

That this happened so quickly makes me think your wife is not the first.

In all your response I have not heard one word where she has agreed to NO CONTACT.
No CONTACT must be a deal breaker for you. No one pretends this will be easy for your wife or you, it won't.

Frankly, so what if she reduces her work hours??? If she is near the OM, she will react to OM and the AFFAIR WILL continue, don't kid yourself on this!! CONTACT = AFFAIR
Are you prepared to watch your wife carry on an affair for as long as she feels like it???
Do you want to end your M? Because thats where its heading right now & it will probably be you walking out after not being able to take any more.
Honestly, Naples, you are going to have to expose or your wife will keep seeing another man, especially in light of her refusal to quit her job.
Not only is she refusing to leave the job, she is alos refusing to try & help you recover, her reasons are excuses because emotionally she is fixated on the OM.

Your wife is addicted, just as bad as any drug addict. Did you know that there are actual chemical changes going on in her brain right now just like any drug addict? Its not a story it is medical fact. When I doubted this I looked it up & was surprised to see it was true.
Like an addict she will lie to you, look you in the eye and tell you anything it takes for you to 'leave them alone to have their little love fest' , cheat, steal, you name it, a cheating spouse will most likely do it to get & maintain their fix of the other person.

I bet you anything you like that if kept threatening to tell the OMW the next story you hear will be that 'she already knows' YEAH like we here haven't heard that one before.

When you married your W and promised to love her in sickness or health, in good times & bad, well this a bad time & she is sick. You need to act for her to end something which is harming her, the affair.

Exposure is a powerful weapon that strikes at the heart of the affair because the A is no longer a secret, the two parties get pressure from family, friends, workplace and spouses to END it & come back to the marriage, it is then hard to maintain their fantasy when the world is closing in.

Naples, please please reconsider your choice not to expose. It is not to harm the OMW or the OM for that matter, but to END the affair. You should also exposse to her workplace as many workplaces have policies on NO inappropriate relationahips between workers. Some dont care of course.

However, you also need to keep the PLAN A going full steam ahead regardless of the hateful things that will be said to you, the disrespect you will get, the pain her actions will cause, .... and yes its hard. At times I feel I an opening my mouth to change feet and that I am treading water not knowing how deep it is.

I know so much of what you are being advised to do FEELS wrong, well that apparently is why so many attempts to save marriages fail, people act on their feelings not well thought out and more importantly, well used plans like Plan A or B with exposure etc etc.

This is one situation where you cannot rely on feelings and instinct all the time because they will fail you.

From your posts I think it points to the OM as looking at your w as an addition to his M, not a replacement. His reaction certainly does not look like someone who wants a divorce or separation to go play happy families with your wife does it????

Until your wife commits to and acts on NO CONTACT you should treat her actions, bbehaviour and comments as unrealiable. At the moment she will probably do anything to keep the a going because it 'feels good'. You need to make it uncomfortable for her & OM so EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!!!!

Its up to you Naples, only you can act on this now.

Naples, please understand where we here are coming from. We have all been there and the advice being given to you is tried and true.

As far as telling the OMW, it is a must. The A will continue if you don't. there will be no healing for you, your W, the OM or his W. My W said ALL of the things yours did. the OMW "already knew", "wouldn't believe me", "wouldn't talk to me", etc. Re: work, "we can't not work together" and "I'd have to quit my job or get fired" and "it would just be impossible". ALL excused to keep the affair going. Meanwhile, the OM was on cloud nine. He thought he was untouchable while he had his cake and ate it too. The A continued from May through the beginning of this month and ONLY ended when the called OMW. It is NOT and act of retaliation. It is NOT an act of anger. It is NOT done out of spite. You need to tell the OMW with, and out of compassion in order to end the A and allow you and your wife to work on your marriage.

Your W is protecting her lover and her A and fiercely defending it with her anger. What are you going to defend. Your marriage or the your W's A?