Can anyone out there please please please help me? I just found out my husband had a 5 year affair because OW phoned me. I am just devastated and in despair, so many emotions of shock, rage, pain, hurt etc. I am a psychologist so I do know the THEORY of what to do but I am beyond rational thought at this moment. I am sobbing my eyes out as I type this - can anyone please tell me what to do???

The hardest part is I knew from his behaviour something like this was going on but he denied, denied, denied all along. And now - get this, he admits to loving her and SHE finished with him. She changed cities and jobs and wants nothing more to do with him because of the pain he supposedly caused her by not leaving the marriage.

We were separated on and off but he always came back. Last time I threatened (and meant it at the time to kill myself) so he came back and she then dumped him. Now he's gone for good and doesn't want to come home. Says the marriage was dead for years and he only stayed for the kids and fear of starting all over again with no money.

I wanted to HATE her but she told me everything honestly and refused to tell me information she felt would hurt me unnecessarily like romantic stuff and sex stuff etc. He keeps lying when I confront him about stuff that happened over the years.

I don't understand it, why can't he stay and work on the marriage now she's gone? And what can I do to work through this, or should I even work through this?

SO much has happened in our marriage and SO much seems to have happened in their affair that I don't even know what to write to start explaining it all.

I just want to end my life and not have to go through any of this pain or spend the next 5 years of my life trying to recover from it.

Please help, what would YOU do???

Suicidal Wife
Married 15 yrs
2 sons - 21 and 16 years
d-day - 30/09/04 5 year affair

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: Suicidal Wife ]</small>

I hear you. Your pain is so hurtful. I'm crying too. I can't say it's okay - because I don't know what I'm doing either. Just hang in there. Reading here and posting here helps. It's going to get better.

are you really thinking of hurting yourself? you know what happens when you disclose that.

thanks so much for replying, someone is out there hearing me and that helps in itself. I don't know what to do and I really really feel like ending it all because I know how much pain is ahead and I don't want to go through it for days, months and years. H doesn't want a reconciliation so why should I even bother with all that heartache? I've read the stories on here and it seems to be such a painful process even when H IS remorseful and wants to make it work!

My sons are the most beautiful beings in the world but they have their own lives now? Do I even tell them this about their dad? I've never been with anyone else, he's the only one I've ever even kissed (we met at 14 years of age) - what am I supposed to do next? Please help!!

I've been here before you know - he had an affair with a colleague at work for 8 years. That time he confessed and we went to MC but he never ever said he loved her! I can't go through all this pain again KNOWING that he not only loves this OW but isn't even with her and doesn't want to be with me!!!

I'm at home in my study looking at all the pictures on the walls of our lives for the last 26 years of this man that I love so much and the tears are just rolling down my face. My heart is absolutely breaking and I don't want to go on - what's the point?

I feel your pain. Been there, sort of.

Having weathered lots of storms in life, I have learned that you can't know the point now because it is sometime in the future.

Instead, ask yourself this question: what if there IS a point, and I don't wait around for it?

You can always change your mind in one direction later, but not the other. Think about it.

I am about 5 weeks into my husband walkeing out on me. I thought it was all me but I am figuring out now that he has been having an affair since I believe the spring of this year. I have lost too much weight and drank too much and taken too many pills the past 5 weeks to get through the betrayal and abandonment feelings I have.

Hang in there because someone out there does care. Friends from another board saved my life by calling the police to come save me one night. So please don't try to hurt yourself or anyone else.

SM,
Please please try to take control of your situation. I know you are an emotional mess right now but you have family that love and need you. You are worth so much more than this.

This is NOT worth these measures. Please read here...we'll help you.

Where are you located ?

You asked what I would do? Given the circumstances, I would get out of the marriage and start living. It makes NO sense to me to a) want to hurt YOURSELF because of some problem your H has; and, b) stay in a marriage that the other person doesn't want work on.

Just my 2-cents. And it sounds like you've been alone a lot already in this marriage, so....

Suicidal Wife

First of all, if all of these emotions are making you think of ending your life, call a Suicide Hotline and talk to a professional NOW.

I had a vicious motorcycle wreck in 1971, leaving me in the hospital for 6.5 months, knowing I would be permanently disabled when I was discharged, and the "girl of my dreams" left me before I was recovered enough to return to college. Those were very dark days, and I, too, contemplated suicide.

Now, today, I have a FWW and three fabulous kids, a career, and many friends that I would NEVER had known, had I ended my life. I contemplated suicide again, when I found out my FWW had been unfaithful, but I found this MarriageBuilder's site, and it may have saved my life again.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It will show you the dynamics of an affair, and what may be missing in a marriage, that leaves a marriage vulnerable. It also maps out how to go about ending affairs, becoming more attractive to your wayward spouse, how to meet each other's emotional needs, etc.

The most important thing here....What do you want? Do you want this man back in your life? If so, SAA will give you help, fortified by support from this forum, on how to try to achieve that goal.

You husband has been involved in Affairs for 13 years of your marriage. Do you really want to continue a life with this man? You owe him nothing at this point, IMHO. It boils down to you. Post more here, get more opinions, become introspective, seek professional counseling, and decide what is best for YOU.

Once you make the decision, pursue it with a vengence. You deserve all you hope for. All you have to do is believe that you can get what you want. You have the inner strength to accomplish more than you can ever imagine. Many people who have posted here have learned more about achieving the seemingly impossible than I would have ever believed. I had little hope for saving my marriage when I began posting here, but my FWW and I are well into recovery, and things get better weekly.

Take a deep breath. Confide in close friends and/or clergy. You know other professionals in your field. Use your resources. Take action. Go grab a piece of life, and dance like no one is watching. You have a purpose here on earth, and now is not your time to leave, before that purpose is known to, and achieved, by you!

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Hey SF,

Please post again and let us know you are alright.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Deja Vu:
<strong> Hey SF,
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry - that was supposed to be SW (not SF) - guess I can't type!

Wife -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is miserable when you first find out but does get much better.

All people having affairs act the same and say the same things. Your husband is rewriting the history of the marriage to justify his behavior.

So pay no attention to anything he says. Right now he is like a drug addict. He will do anything to get his drug. That includes lying and denying.

I knew something was wrong in my marriage, but my husband kept telling that things would get better. Little did I know he was sleeping with an other woman.

So my advice to you is to try to settle down and read up on the advice here. Start in Plan A.

If the other woman really has left, and does not want your husband, that is a very good sign. Many many people here have restored their marriages, and now have a better marriage than before.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

I know what you mean. It is the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life. It is very sad to admit that I was once also a battered wife and I stuck around because U believed these issues were stemmed from not having love as a youth. But when I heard those words come from his mouth, the pain was so great that I wished he had knocked me out instead.
He also had an affair for 3 years and he claims that there was no love involved but I know him and I can feel that there was love. When I think back about everything it all makes sense and leads right to her.
We also separated a lot! He would always go to his sisters house and now I know the reason, she lives across the street.
I hoped she would call me but she apparently doesn't have the maturity to do so because she is barely of age.
Hang in there and think about your 2 boys and remember they need you more than you think you need him. You will be okay and probably better off. Things will get better.

up for SW...

Please check in and let us know you are ok.

Take a few deep breaths. NO decision has to be made right now on what to do with your marriage. Remember what you said, you have two beautiful sons. They need and love their mother.

Please, if thoughts of hurting yourself cross your mind here is the number and link to a suicide hotline.

1-800-SUICIDE, or 1-800-784-2433, http://suicidehotlines.com/

Dear SW:

I agree with neverenough. By posting here it shows me that you really don't want to kill yourself but are desperately reach out. Please do not end it all. You have children who need YOU. If you kill yourself, how will that affect them? Please get some counselling ASAP. I know it hurts more than anything.

There so many people here who have lived through something similar to you. Please reap the benefits of what they have to offer. They understand what you are going through, how you feel, how you think, the script that all WS seem to follow in an affair. Please hang in there with us. We can help.

((((((((SW)))))))))

(A hug just in case you need one.)

^bump^

Gosh I hope she's OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suicidal Wife:
<strong> Please help, what would YOU do???
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SW,

I can tell you what I did NOT do, and what most people did NOT do... and that is commit suicide.

The pain of infidelity is incredible, it strikes to your very core. But it is never, ever, a compelling reason to end your life.

You have much to live for. It just does't FEEL like it right now. But don't let your feelings rule you. They are nothing more than an indication of the trauma you are experiencing. Feelings in and of themselves are not TRUTH. Your sons are truth. Your work is truth. Your friends are truth. God's love is the truest truth.

Don't throw your life away. Grow. Love. Live.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Gosh I hope she's OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, this raises a question in my mind for this list. At what point do we / should we / can we try to intervene on behalf of someone? How do we know if / when it is really serious?

DeJA Vu,

I don't know what can be done, but I alerting the moderators about this post.

I'll keep praying that SW comes back soon.

~ Snow

Any news or information?