I just wanted to tell you that I have read most of your posts and I think you have incredible courage. I have agreed with everything you said, I am tired of people assuming there was a huge problem in our marriage. I was there, too, and I saw a happy husband and father until this mess. I also hold onto the belief that he will regret it and this is not the same man I was married to. I don't see how in the world anyone can walk away from their children. My H seems to think because he pays child support and visits alternate weekends he is a great dad. He says he has not left the children, only me! Like you, I am faced with all the caring and responsibility, while he gets to play around. It hurts me more than anything to know he can do the children this way. I can tell this is a major hurt for you, too. I am praying for you and your family.<P>Ad

I am sorry, but I read your post to someone else. Ok I am nosey......cheating spouse taught me . God, you sound like me. Ditto to everything you said. My D should be final next month. My H feels that his only obligation to the girls is the 600.00 a month he gives me. He has turned his every other week-end with the girls into a bash session about me. The girls are just so sad over this. They don't want to go, but they have to. His once a week phone calls go mostly unanswered, as the kids are afraid to answer because he screams at them and says nasty stuff to them not only about me but also about them. I would be lying if I said that I have been completely innocent in the bashing part, but I keep mine very low key. I try to do it here or with a support person without my children present. They are gone right now. 8 days with dad. Just found out before they left that he is bringing them up to family to watch for a couple days. He did not tell me where or give me any idea about any of this. The girls told me that he mentioned that he had to work Mon. and Tues. Of course he wouldn't let them just stay here until then. They left in tears. He will not allow them to call me at all over these days. He says it is his time and doesn't want any interuptions. ( I guess that would be me he is talking about) My H also told me that he didn't leave the children, he left me. I too saw a wonderfully happy man while I was married to him. we got along great. But when my mom came down with cancer last year I guess that I was neglecting him. In the beginning that is what he claimed and that he was the one with the problem. Now it is all me. I didn't cook, clean, sew or do anything for him. Of course that is hogwash. He says he is tired of giving me money and that if I don't feel that I can financially take care of the girls he would be more than happy to take away custody. Gee, for 9 years I did everything but wipe his a--, so he could further his career. Now, I have finally gotten myself a job. Low paying, but it is a job. But it is not good enough for him. Says that I need 2 jobs to support kids and need to make at least 30,000 a year or he will take take kids away. I am dying here. I do everything . I too, believe that he will be sorry one day. But the only thing is maybe I am wrong. I thought that one day he would be crushed that he has pained 3 people who loved him so much. But right now his only concern is himself and the girls mean nothing to him except a pawn to get back at me. What a horrible creature he has become. Again sorry for posting, but I feel identical to you.<BR>Nancy

Mental,<P>You hit a point with me. How in the world can he hurt the 3 people he loved most in the world? Our feelings have meant nothing to him and any bad feelings the kids have about him are blamed on me. I will never understand it.<P>AD

My H is now fighting for custody. It seems he is more deceptive than I thought. He has the judge and legal system eating out of his hand. What a charmer. Like you, it is all my fault that the girls don't like him. In fact everything is my fault. I used to believe him, but now I know the truth. Yes, even after all he has done. (there is plenty, like an over night in jail because of OW) I still love him. I am just curious, but I would assume by your name that you are already divorced (OK I'm blonde), do you still love him?

already divorced,<BR>Thanks for saying I have courage - most of the time I feel like I am just barely surviving.<P>From all the posts and books I have read, it has become obvious to me that affairs often have nothing to do with the quality of the marital relationship. Many, many times something - I think depression - seems to happen to the betrayer, often quite suddenly, sometimes as a result of a crisis. It seems to be often the ones who have been the best fathers and mothers who become the angriest and the most neglectful of their children. One book I read referred to it as "narcissistic rage". A year and a half ago, even if someone had been able to convince me my H would leave, I would never have believed that he would see so little of his children, and that he would seem to care so little about their lives. I wish I could say something to help, but I will not believe that these aliens are here permanently.<P>Mental,<P>I have forgotten how old your kids are. My kids call to say goodnight every night when they are at the OW's. I can tell my H isn't terribly happy about that, but I am sure the kids would react strongly if he told them they couldn't. The oldest of the ones who goes over there is 13, so he could refuse to go and the courts wouldn't make him, and perhaps my H, after having lost the love of two daughters, is afraid to lose the love of the other children. Fortunately, he has never insisted that they go over there when they have somewhere, like a party, that they want to go to more. <BR>