Nothing. Just keep praying.

Snowbelle,

Did you get any feedback from the moderators when you reported the post?

Nope. At least not yet... I'll report back here when/if I hear something.

Still nothing from Mods.... bumping for SW to check in.

~ Snow

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I survived the weekend despite the tears and tantrums and am not feeling quite so desperate anymore.

I still have a thousand questions and want to ask OW because I'll never get the truth from him. Should I call her?

H is alternating between remorse and blame - he still doesn't want to give the marriage another go, says he wants his freedom now. He also says he is grieving OW as I am grieving him and surely I should understand that? How can I possibly understand that with all I'm going through myself? We went for a walk on the beach for hours on Saturday and he says that it is possible to love two women and he has tried to keep us both happy. I know its pathetic but I said OW is gone but I'm still here - he is very confused. Says he loves me but was never in love with me whereas he has been in love with her since the day they met and always will be.

Am devastated by the affair but even more so about his feelings for her. How will it ever come right for us if his heart is elsewhere?

I should have known, the last 5 years we were on/off the whole time but I thought after 25 years, that was just the way it was. He has been in counselling the last year but I don't see how that has helped when all of this has now exploded.

I've been to counselling before about co-dependancy but I still love him deeply - I want him back, will that ever happen?

SW,

Whew! Glad to see you posting. You had us all pretty worried there.

Your WH's comments are right out of the WS textbook (he loved her from the day they met; he loves you but he's not in love with you; blah blah blah).

Heard it all before.

Hard as it is to take, he is going to grieve the loss of OW and it will be hard for you to watch. But as time goes on and the "fog" lifts from around him, your WH will begin to see things more clearly.

I don't have much more time, but I am sure others will be around to post soon!

Hang in there!

! Snow

Snow is right - we HAVE been worried about you. I would guess your H is very confused right now and you might not be able to take anything he says as the "real" truth. Try to suspend judgement (I know, easy for me to say - not that I'm doing it that well in my own situation!)

Anyway, once again - know there are people here listening and caring. Stay tuned!

Thank you so much for your support - your kindness is overwhelming.

I have taken the week off work as I am in no fit state to counsel anyone else right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Should I call OW and get more answers? I really want to hate her but she is the only one who has ever told me the truth (apparently H's friends and some family members knew and had met her over the years but of course I am the last to know!.

H rang today to see if I was ok. Scary phone call about blame and resentment - I don't know which of us has more than the other one. I don't think I can salvage this marriage, do you?

Glad you are OK! You had us really nervous for several days!

First of all purchase and read Surving an Affair. It will explain tons of stuff to you about the dynamics of an affair.

Secondly, read other posts here. You will find most wayward spouses (WS) think alike and say the same stupid things. It's nearly scripted.

Saving your marriage can be done, if you are willing to do the heavy lifting. Read about emotional needs (EN's), and they influence yours and your husbands thinking. And how the lack of those needs being met MAY leave a marriage vulnerable to an affair (A).

Right now the best thing you can do is be kind and considerate to your husband (H), and keep life with him non-confrontational. When you have time, read all about Plan A and Plan B on this site, until you have the book, and "plan" to go into Plan A right away. Do not explain all this to your H, as it's something you do, that he doesn't need to know about. It just works that way.

Most of this is up to YOU. Do you want to "save" the marriage? Do you want a better marriage? Are you willing to work harder on saving and having a better marriage than anything you've ever done before in your life?

If so, Marriage Builders is probably the best plan available to do so. Read and learn all you can, and roll up your sleeves. There's lots of work to be done!

Glad you are "OK" !!!

SD

PS... It would please many of us here, and be perhaps better for your own frame of mind, to "edit" your profile, and pick a less threatening "user ID". People here are very caring and kind, and like those of us who posted to you, will be alarmed with your ID... just a thought.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks so much, have changed the profile to Separated Wife!!!

I will read that materal, most of which I am familiar with anyone and recommend to my clients.

Its so different when it happens to "you" though isn't it?!

I'm still in a state of shock and pain but the worst of it is over. I have to start looking for solutions and the way forward again.

I just pray to God that my husband comes home - I can't bear to be without him, despite all the rage, fury, heartache, misery and pain I feel about all of this.

Its all a mess.

SW

Hello SW,

Boy am I glad to hear you are still with us.

My suggestion is not to call the OW for any answers.These people(OP) that are involved with our spouses are not the type of people that you can get the truth from and certainly any sympathy.That's not to say that everyone is like that,I think there are a few of us that have actually had some decent conversations with OP(puke) but it's a personal choice.If this OW has moved on from your WH though as you say,she may just want to put it all behind her and may resent you calling her which in turn could lead to more pain for you.You just never know how they will react.Answers should come from your WH.

But if he is carrying a torch for this person right now,and it sounds like he is,then he isn't going to be of much use yet.He needs to get into counseling to find out why he cheated and what he can do about preventing it from happening again.Many times it is about emotional needs not being met but then other times it can be so much more.I think it is a complex set of issues rather than one specific one for people who cheat.If your WH doesn't explore this about himself he is doomed to repeat it in his next relationships.That is why second marriages have an even worse D rate than first marriages IMO.People just don't fix the problems in the first marriage and think the answer lies in getting together with a new person.Not so.

Anyway,there is no guarantee that your WH will ever want to come back to the marriage.It's a sobering and painful realization but one in which you need to face,like we all do.Adultery changes a person profoundly and *sometimes they just don't recover from that,nor do we.It takes a herculean effort to get beyond all the pain,betrayal,changes and discoveries.One thing is for sure,we are all changed because of it,not always in positive ways either.

Time may help your WH as he slowly withdraws from this addictive OW and the "fog" dissipates.He may then be able to see the error of his ways and what he has done and take notice.Be aware though that this is also a time for huge growth for you as a BS.It's a time to take inventory on your own desires,dreams,actions and goals.It's not just about the marriage that has carried you for all these years.

When you are ready,come on over to the GQII board for more support.

O