<BR>My husband left Dec. 23 and moved in with another woman. He is an alcoholic and we had been having some difficulties. He never even talked to me about how bad it must have been for him. She is the opposite of me. She is also an alcoholic so she encourages him to drink. I only tried to help him and love him. I still love him and want him to come home. Does that sound crazy? I know it would take alot of work and I'm willing to try. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 children and I don't want to throw that away. I've worked really hard on m marriage and I don't want to just give up.

Mitzi,<BR>I am so sorry. No I do not think you are crazy to still love him. Love isn't easy to switch off and on. I feel for what you are going through and hope that he comes to his senses and picks his family over the bottle and other women. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you keep us posted. I will be praying for you tonight<BR>Nancy

Welcome <B>Mitzi</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I'm so sorry for this happening to you...<BR>You've come to the best place fro what you need!!!<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!... Your first few baby steps will have to be to start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Read about it here at the MB site... then the the book(s) we recommend!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...,<BR>Especially before Christmas... you're devastation must be very hard to deal with!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I just don't understand him. He came Christmas eve and spent some time and came Christmas day and things were pretty good. I was a mess of course. Today he came by and acted like it was a chore. He hasn't moved out completely yet. He's only taken most of his clothes. I just can't believe there is someone else. I just found out about it the 23rd. And he says he doesn't love her, he just likes her. How can he just quit?? I actually feel like he's died. That's how much it hurts. I know he still loves me. I can see it in his eyes. I would let him back in a heartbeat. My mom thinks I'm crazy. I'm only 30 and have been with him since I was 16. I've never loved anyone else. I almost feel like it's an obsession. I can't sleep at night because I think about him being with her. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks because when I try to eat, it sticks in my throat. It has made me physically ill. How do I get thru this??????

Mitzi, Honey, take a deep breath. And now about 3 zillion more. Try to calm down.<P>Now - Welcome and so sorry you have to be here.<P>We've been there. I know how it feels. Thirty five pounds in under 30 days. The great infidelity diet. You can and you WILL get through this. We all have. We'll all help you.<P>It hurts like nothing has ever hurt. And I couldn't keep a meal down for so long. See a doctor. Get something to take the edge off. It's not weakness, it's to give you strength for the wildest ride you have ever been on.<P>You've GOT to take care of yourself. Listen to Jim, he's given you all the basics. You have to be strong, but you'll find the strength. We'll help you. <P>So, write to us. Talk to us, cry to us, ok? We're here for anything you need.<P>Hang in there. It'll be ok. YOU'LL be ok.<P>Lori

Mitzi,<P>Again welcome. I can feel the pain and panic coming through in your post.<P>As hard as it is try and relax a little. I know those very feelings all to well.<P>Let us get to know you. Check out the rest of this website if you haven't already.<P>A couple of questions for you, you don't have to respond if your not comfortable.<P>Are you in al-anon? Great support group.<P>Did you and H "party" together much?<P>How long has his alcoholism been a problem?<P>Do you have a faith in God? If so lean on Him He'll help you muster the strength you'll need for this ride.<P>Keep coming here to MB, we are here for each other.<P>I know how raw you must feel. Hang in there it gets more managable with time.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

My h had a very rough childhood. His father was verbally abusive to him.(His father is also an alcoholic). His parents divorced when he was 10 and that's when he went downhill. He started drinking at the age of 12 and you would think he would have bottomed out by now. He has been drinking for 20 years.No I never really partied much with him. We used to go out afew times a year, like on birthdays and our anniversary. But that stopped in the last couple of years. No I haven't gone to al-anon but I have thought about it. This all just seems so embarassing. I feel like I wasn't good enough for him. I know that's wrong, I was too good to him. I wanted him to do what I did, grow up and take care of his family. <BR>Yes I do have faith in God. This has to be one of his biggest tests for me, but it's still there. <BR>Thanks for listening. This does help. I have friend and family to talk to but most of them have never been in the situation and really don't understand.<BR>This site is a God-send.<BR>

So just keep on talking, ok? We're listening. <P>And consider al-anon. It's a great tool. And don't be embarrassed. You'll find yet another support group there to give you strength and tools to use.<P>We're glad you found us, too. Take care of yourself now, ok? And let all your frustrations out here.<P>Lori

I honestly don't know what he could see in her. Other than she's a drinking buddy. She's nothing but trash in my book. I know her and she loves to be in the middle of conflict. Most of her relationships have had other people involved. One last year, caused one man to get shot by another man. Luckily he didn't die. It's like she thrives on causing trouble. When I found him at her house, if she would have said one more word to me I would have tried to beat her to death. And I'm usually not a violent person. When I asked them how long it had been going on, she said "Hey Lady..." And I quickly cut her off. I told her I wasn't just Hey Lady, I was his wife and the mother of his three children. <BR>My oldest son is the same age my H was when his parents got divorced. He's 10 and having a rough time. The next one is 7 and doesn't really understand. My baby is only 2. This sucks so bad. Their father is such an a@@.

hi Mitzi...sorry you needed to come here, but I hope it will help you as much as it has me.<P>yes, he is a donkey...ask lori about her 2x4, she loans it out...<P>you'll be ok. you will even have times of happiness again, I promise.<P>Do get to a doctor, get checked for STD's and ask for anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant meds. <P>I know, I know, but you can get off them later...<P>this is the worst thing anyone can go through except losing a child, suck it up and stick your pride in your pocket and take care of you mental and physical health.<P>Since he is being such a donkey, you need to be strong for your kids.<P>Pray.<P>Go tell your spiritual leader what is happening in your home.<P>Reach out for help or you will implode<BR>(so says the queen of migraine headaches...)<P>hugs Mitzi...(they look like this: {{{Mitzi}}})<P>Liz\Pearl of Great Price\alias<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

I would love to have a 2x4!!! I think I would feel better. I wish I had something to destroy to get some of the anger out. Punching a pillow hasn't helped. I called the OW. She won't answer of course, so I left a nice message. Honestly. I told her that even though H and I were having problems she should do the right thing and remove herself from the picture until we decide where this is going. I told her it would be the decent thing to do. But she's not decent. I know she won't do it. It would just be easier for me and the kids if he wasn't with someone else.

mitzi, dear...save your breath...I KNOW it feels good to take control and speak to OW, especially if you behaved like a lady and made her look bad by comparison...I did just that, twice...and she reestablished contact with my h. even tho she knows I have written evidence to destroy both her marriage and her career...They love the fireworks, the risk, the drama...it makes them feel like the star of Ally McBeal or Melrose Place...don't give her the power...take it back...stay in control, <P>liz<BR>please see my posts as POGP/liz smith/alias what a roller coaster ride...can I pleeeeze get off now?<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

I'm trying to stay in control and stay calm. If I actually told her how I felt about her, it wouldn't have been a nice message. What do I say to him? Do I tell him I love him, beg him to stay?? Or do I just kill him with kindness and pretend like this is OK with me? I have such a hard time keeping it together when I see him. I break down and lose it everytime he gets ready to leave. Is there any chance that he'll come to his senses and come home??? It's the unanswered questions that are killing me.

hi again ( I am POGP, too)<P>more advice...get Surviving An Affair and read it. Available here at MB.<P>Get When a Mate Wants Out from midlife.com and read it.<P>Yes there is hope, but it is a long and uphill battle. My h. changed his job for me, but the OW had dumped him. Well, actually, she's gone back to boinking the boss and my h. found out that the two affairs overlapped (she is also married with two kids and a nice, attractive husband).<P>But, even though he is here giving me presents and promises, he is still addicted to her, although he calls her a lying, cheating slut with no substance...so I guess he thinks that is what he deserves.?<P>read those books, or at least, today, read all the stuff on Infidelity available back at MB home pages.<P>Liz

Dear Mitzi,<P>Please do not feel embarassed for posting here. In fact, I feel that this is the place to get away from the embarrassment of my problems. Friends and family, although they mean well, often have these die hard positions on my "situation" that do not stem from actual experience. They do not understand my discision to stay with my H after his affair and try to rebuilt my family. <P>This site is filled with people going through very similar marital experiences and operating under the common advise of Dr. Harley. The wealth of helpful information given by people in the "know" on this site is staggering. Read as much of Dr. Harley's site as posible. Post as much as you need to. There is always someone here to help. <P>Your husband has a two-fold addition. His first addition (alcohol) is contributing to his newest, second addition (shacking up with bimbo lady) He obviously is having trouble keeping the alcohol in check and must feel pretty bad about himself right about now.<P>You are in a hard position in that you cannot control his alcohol addition. You need to concentrate on taking care of you, your family and their health. <P>I am sorry for the conditions that you are here, but I am glad that you have found us and opened up to us. Please take care.<P>Meg <P>

Mitzi...<P>My H is a recovering alcoholic. Just like your H, he had an affair. When he hit almost rock-bottom, he wanted to do something about it before it was too late. He wanted to go to counseling. We did. Our therapist told him that the ROOT of the problem is the alcohol. After that, it is the infidelity.<P>Your H is with the OW because she supports his addiction and you don't. The OW is most likely an alcoholic too. Your H is going to burn out and hit rock-bottom unless he can first over-come his alcohol addiction. After the alcohol addiction is addressed and dealt with...then, the infidelity can be dealt with.<P>Because of the alcohol, your H is making irrational decisions. He isn't even thinking in his right state of mind. He is sick right now because alcoholism is an illness. He will say and do foolish things because the alcohol is clouding his better judgment.<P>I wish that I had better advice to give you. But all I can tell you is that you can't control what your H does. He is addicted to the alcohol and has to make the decision to quit.<P>Can you get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting and also to a counselor? You need to do things to get the support for yourself, emotionally & mentally. I know it is hard to live with an alcoholic and it will be a rollercoaster ride for you.<P>My H is doing his very best to not drink anymore, but it didn't happen overnight. He quit cold turkey but did have withdrawals. Your H can do it too, but he has to be the one to make the decision to do it.<P>Please get yourself to Al-Anon and keep posting here. Prayers are with you.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited December 27, 1999).]

Don't you think your H needs to get a grip on his problem with alcohol for your marriage to have a chance? Your situation is different from those most of us have dealt with because of the complications of alcohol dependency. His deeper problem may be his drinking. Perhaps, he can't resist the drinking, and this ow helps him to convince himself that it's ok. With 3 children and a wife, he has to know that the alcohol dependency is intolerable.<P>You may have to let him hit rock bottom before he is ready to pick himself up and work on his drinking and his family. I hope that you can get professional help and/or help from a group like Al Anon. The people on these boards can be a godsend too.<P>I have never had to personally deal with a substance abuser, but, in my profession, I often see the effects on families. However, I have myself been where you are with the horrendous effects of an unfaithful spouse on you physically and spiritually. For some time the issue was how do I get through the next hour. My family and a few close friends helped me to hang on. Things got bad and then worse and then some good breaks came. Ultimately the "tide turned" - "wind shifted" - or whatever. We are now well into recovery. Keep trying, hoping, and believing. <P>Things may get better for you. You will need your strength to keep trying. I will pray for you.

I really want to thank all of you for the support you are giving me. It really helps. The other people in my life think that I would be crazy to let him come home. They just don't understand. They've never had to deal with this. I understand about the alcoholism and I'm trying to deal with that. Yes, the OW is also an alcoholic. She will also discard him after a while because she just can't stay with one person for too long. I almost feel sorry for him. I really hate to see him get hurt, but yet he has hurt me and so I think he deserves to hurt. Right now, he's not willing to work on things. And that's the alcohol talking some too. Christmas Day he was here for over 2 hours and hugged me 3 times while he was here. Mixed signals!!!!

That doesn't sound crazy. It makes perfect sense. Hang in there Mitzi for as long as you can. Only you can decide when you've had enough, but hopefuly it'll all work out. No matter what, we are here for you. Be encouraged, you're not alone.<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>