I am so incredibly relieved to have found this site because right now I feel so totally alone and empty. This is my first post and I really hope that it's in the right place and not too long.

BS - (me)
Married - 16 years
Together - 19 years
D-Day - 9-29-04
ds -17,14

This EA has been going back and forth for over a year. H worked with OW for 3 mos in late 2003. They spent all of their days together and hung out at 'company only' functions. She was his trainee. OW is 10 years older.

First time hearing of OW mentioned in terms other than work was August 2003. Around 1:00 pm on a sunday, H said he was going out to do lawn work. 1 hour later, still no lawn activity, he was sitting across the street in his car, talking on cell phone. 3 hours later..still talking on phone. When asked about it, he lied and said it was a mutual male friend that we know. 9:00 pm that night he finally ended conversation (no lawnwork) and I mentioned that the next time I saw our friend I was gonna tease him about the length of the phonecall. Then H confessed that it was OW that he was talking to and that she just needed to vent. I was upset and explained to H that any 'friendship' that caused him to lie to his wife was NOT a healthy one. He promised that it would never happen again. But of course it did. In March 2004, after numerous other events with this woman, (one which included him running out on a Friday night to rescue her while she was drunk driving on the highway) I demanded that H end the 'friendship' because it was inappropriate and hurt me. He agreed and called OW on the phone in front of me and told her that the 'friendship' had to end because it was hurting his wife and his marriage. I was thrilled. The next day..my husband emailed her and apologized! <sigh> and the whole thing started over again. Soon restricted phone calls began showing up on H's cellphone. H says that this was OW's idea. Not sure if I believe that one. OW seems to be much more versed in doing this type of stuff than H. We had numerous talks and heart to heart conversations and H always said that he wanted to be with me and he would end relationship. But whenever I asked he would always say that he was too busy or didn't have the opportunity. Things came to a blow in July 2004 when I found tons of email exchanges between H and OW. In those emails, H confessed that he would NEVER 'drop' OW and that he loved her and treasured her deeply.
He has bought her christmas gifts, birthday gifts (he forgot mine this year)presents, flowers, cards, and even car parts for goodness sake. H seems to have almost a child like giddiness about this relationship. After days of talks and tears and telling him to leave (but he never did) H said that he needed to go see her to end this thing for good. He said that he knew what he had to do and he wants to stay with his family. He said that he realized how this has affected me and that he was very selfish and only thinking of hisself. Well he broke it off and everything was going swell. Having the time of my life! Then in late September my gut feelings were telling me that all was not right. I tracked emails and saw that yes..H had in deed still been comunicating with OW (actually I can tell that she initiated contact with him just to see how he was doing and to get car parts) And things started all over again. Then I found out that they had met on the 24. It took til 9-29 for H to actually truthfully answer the question about when was the last time that he had seen the OW. He finally confessed only after I provided pieces of evidence. He told me that they met for a late dinner at her suggestion because she needed to talk to someone and missed him. (H told me initally that he worked late that night) I finally contacted OW and told her to stop contacting H. At this point I do not know what to do. I just want H to leave! I am even more upset that I had to do what H couldn't. What is even more frightening is that I just don't care anymore. I can't even muster up a tear this time. I've cried for a whole year and now I'm dry as a bone. I feel empty and lonely. I can't even look at H anymore. I cannot even see a future with him. He has lied to the extreme about this woman.

H responses to all of this : Had to list them..sorry

A. He should be able to pick his friends
B. OW provides him with attention and a fresh new perspective
C. OW is fun and exciting
D. If you have to force someone to do something then probably they won't stick to it.
E. It is just a friendship and if I met OW then I would probably like her too!! <sigh>
D. Well that will definitely end it (H's upset response to my contact with OW)
E. There's a bit of flattery in all of this(H's response to my contact with OW)
F. H says that he's just selfish and that's the way he is and that I should accept him and anything else would be an attempt to change him <sigh>

I constantly tell H that this is/was a EA and he feels that if there is no sex involved that there is no affair taking place and that I'm pretty much paranoid. H feels that I'm trying to control him by not allowing him to have 'friends'.

Someone please tell me that I'm not crazy!

signed
<sigh>

Do you understand Plan A/Plan B?

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Most straying partners lie, and have a very hard time breaking away from their "addiction". And the things your husband is saying are what they all say.

So stick with us, and we will help you through this.

No I do not understand Plan A/B. I am a bit confused as to which one I should follow. Any assistance would be welcome.

You can read about Plan A on the link in my sig line. That is where you can start, and do it for several months. After that you can go to Plan B.

After reading about both plans, I believe that I have been in plan A for about 6 mos. It last while he is not seeing her and then she calls just to say hi and it starts all over again. Each time it starts Plan A all over again. He says that he it is confusing for me to be so nice because that makes it seem as if there is nothing wrong. How can something be wrong if I'm being nice? I think I should go to Plan B.

Okay, it might be time to start thinking about Plan B. I would give it some time first, so that you can get firmly grounded in the MB principles. They take some getting used to. Also as you get to know more of us, you will feel more calm and supported. We will help you do this.

For Plan B to work, you have to plan carefully, so that you do not need to contact husband for anything. That is very important.

So get your Plan B letter ready, and post it here. It should be short and sweet.

Like this: Dear WH - I love you and thought we would always be together. To preserve my love for you, I desire no contact with you as long as you are talking to OW. If she is ever gone, let me know and we talk about rebuilding our marriage.