JL

everything you posted seem to be right. I have thought on it since I first read it and it 'fits' if you know what I mean.

I thought we would have a productive MC yesterday and perhaps begin really to recover. I really felt so confident we were getting somewhere, that we were close to getting some important issues resolved. Am I expecting too much too soon do you think?

I was so sure Aussie wanted to discuss a number of things but he was barely communicative the whole time when I suggested if we could discuss my job, his feelings about it, what he needed to know to accept I was 'his' & really always was.

But, he just didn't want to be part of it. Well ok I thought, I can understand him maybe having up & downs and not wanting to talk about it today.
The MC seemed to be watching him more & more and finally asked him, What do you really want to do right now then? He looked up sort of vague and distant and said he feels like just going away for a while. MC asked him very quietly where do you want to go?
Just away. Then she asked For how long he said Does it matter?

I can't help it Ive been crying, I don't understand why he wants to go away or what I've done. I look at him today & he seems so empty and tired.
Why can't I help him? what do I have to do? I feel so helpless.

AW---I think your husband is feeling too sorry for himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Sometimes people fall into that. And he wants you to feel sorry for him as well and show him all the time. Why would he want to go away now? What is he going to solve by going away.? Running away from the problem? Hmm. I dont think he can, because he is going to be with this thoughts. He needs to be shaken out of his self-pity, because is not going to take him anywhere. You can get tired too, and be the one that decides that you cannot take his negativity towards you anymore. He probably thinks that you have to take whatever comes your way, just because you had the affair.
I think you,I,Kiwi,and others have enough with what we are dealing with. When we come out, and start coming out of the so called fog, we can see things so much clear. We can see what a horrible thing we did to our husbands. We have to deal with our inner selves with our concious. I dont know about you, but sometimes the thoughts that cross my mind, make me want to scream!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
It is not easy at all, to see your spouse suffering and looking with sad-puppy eyes at you. It makes my insides turn, with shame and disgust with myself.
Your husband needs to know and understand that you are clearly and willingly his wife and you want to make the marriage work. Its so clear in the way you post here. You seem very determined, and very sure of yourself.
Your husband needs the help of another professional, not a MC. He has too many things that magnify everything together in his mind, and dont let him be!!! He needs support,help.
Good Luck

Myrta

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

AW,

I can think of many reasons for him to feel the way he does, and FEW of them have to do with you. He has lost alot. I don't think he probably fully realizes it, but let's consider, he has severely injured, he just lost a friend, he doesn't feel he was the man he used to be, and his marriage is struggling. I am sure I missed a few, but I think what you are seeing is depression and just mental fatique.

Have you ever watched a couple of guys together? The often don't talk too much. They may ride in a car for miles and miles and not say a word to one another, but if you asked how the trip went? They will answer "great", I really enjoyed being with "old Joe".

Now women watch this and wonder what the heck? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Men connect on different levels than woman do. I punch in the arm, some insults, a pat on the butt, and silence count for alot with men.

I think your H needs a friend to listen to his silence. I think you need to be that friend. Sit down, take his hand, or put your hand on his arm, and just sit there with him. Don't say a thing unless he asks something. Put your head on his shoulder if you like, but don't say anything and "share" with him.

I know it sounds strange to you, but a man trained like your H or myself will work things out in our head. But, we need quiet to do it. Often it is better with a mate just sitting there and by their silence they acknowledge what is going on and encourage it. You be his mate AW and encourage him by your silence and your physical contact.

You see a male mate cannot do that, but you being his W can and touch is a huge thing for us guys. Sit there and let him work on this and you support him. I suspect it will be more effective than you think.

I believe when the time comes your approach and willingness to discuss the work issue will work out well, but I suspect your H is just very very tired right now. He needs an emotional rest, yet he needs support.

I know most women are not comfortable with silence while in the presence of someone else, but men are. I am guessing but I suspect your H is comfortable with silence and you can make it more comfortable with your presence at this time.

You hold a lot of power AW, use it wisely.

God Bless,

JL

AW,

Even a marathon runner has to rest every now and then. I'm sure he really doesn't want to go anywhere, But maybe today, was one of those days that he felt like he wanted to rest a bit.
You'll both have many ups and downs. Maybe a future MC session, He'll he raring to go, and you'll feel not so into it. It will happen.
Keep looking forward with the big picture.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not and did not love the man I had sex with, ok!! I was charmed, yes, I was amused, yes. I was attracted, yes, But that is not and was not love. Aussie says I still feel something for this man. I don’t. .I don’t know how many times I have to say this over and over again. I do not love this man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AW,

I'm sorry to say I did not read through all your replies, so I apologize if I am a bit off topic, but I wanted to comment in regards to the above quote.

I can completely understand where you are coming from. An affair is not always about love or even lust. In your case and mine it is about wanting to feel like a different person.

I didn't love my OM either. I told him that I did, though, because he liked to hear it. I'm quite sure he knew I wasn't being truthful, but he wanted it told to him anyway.

For both of us (the OM and me), it was a self-esteem issue. Although we didn't admit it at the time, we made each other feel better about ourselves. That, in a nutshell, was the attraction.

Please do not get the idea that I am justifying an affair. I am not.

Also, I am not suggesting that a problem with low self-esteem or craving attention is the problem of the BS. It is not. I repeat, it is NOT the fault of the BS that the WS has low self-esteem or craves attention.

WS's that stray because of these problems HAVE to realize that they MUST look within themselves and learn how to fulfill their own needs. Because even the most attentive, loving, and understanding spouse can find himself or herself living with a cheater if the WS has a bottomless pit of need.

AW, I do not doubt that you love your husband. I do not doubt that you didn't have deep feelings for your lover. And I also do not doubt that you are going to have to look long and hard at your own personal issues before you ask yourself why he doesn't hear you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For both of us (the OM and me), it was a self-esteem issue. Although we didn't admit it at the time, we made each other feel better about ourselves. That, in a nutshell, was the attraction.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect this was the case with my wife Myrta and that causes as lot of attraction and leads to the so-called soul mate state. Otherwise I have NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

Your post was very insightful!

FH
thats it exactly. Nothing to do with him or our M or our relationship. It WAS all me and my attempts to feel better about myself because I failed in a particular case at work. To myself if no one else.

We are taught to keep our emotional distance but sometimes, many times you fail. These are kids, babies really in dire circumstances and you get pulled in every now & then. When you make a mistake the child suffers, sometimes dies. So I failed and badly made a bad call. Doesn't matter if I did everything by the book, doesn't matter if the inquiry says no fault with anyone, no one to blame, you still stress out. My mistake was not going to Aussie and family for support. So independant so in control that I nearly, I may have, destroyed my M & family.
I have spent so much time with our IC/MC on how to handle this. I am sure I can now and that I also have professional counselling to go to as well.
And now, now that I can discuss this with Aussie, he wants to go. Just go away and leave it, leave me, behind.

JL I'm trying what you said about just being there and saying nothing. Not doing anything but being there.
Last night I just lay next to him and watched him turn off bit by bit until all I saw was pain.
He hurts in his body & soul right now.

Myrta
I did consider that he was just being sorry for himself and falling into self pity, but I dont think so.
Hes been into that I hurt so I want you to hurt too thing before, but he could never convince himself he was really into it. It just disappeared as fast as it came.

Then I thought maybe hes been taking to many drugs and its starting to affect the way he is dealing and thinking about the affair. SO yesterday I checked his meds and he's smashed all the Pethidine vials and thrown out all the Anti - inflamtory pain killers too. Found those packs all screwed up in the recycle bin.
I think he must of done this after his army mate, close family friend to us all, killed himself.
I just can't imagine what levels of pain he must be going through if thats the case.
What he trying to do to himself?
Is this about him, me , us, the affair?? All I know is that I'm starting to get very very nervous.
I don't know what I should be doing. What do I do???

Don't hold back and say the things that you KNOW will make him feel better.

Act in a loving way.

It is not that hard.

Answer all his questions in an honest manner---- have no fear.

I don't think it's all one thing.
He's got a lot on his plate right now.

He has the affair to deal with
His friend killed himself
he found out he has had a child out there
he's trying to heal from a war wound

And all of it, is right now.

I think he needs some major love right now.
I think he needs to know for sure that you'll
always be there by his side, no matter what.
He needs to be told these things, and more
importantly, he needs to be shown these things.
I can't tell you exactly how, as you know your Husband better than any of us.

Well its 2.05am Sunday, no Monday morning and Aussie has not been home since Saturday morning.

My daughter found a note stuck to the fridge that simply said 'gone fishing'.

I don't think he gets it. WE care, I care, the kids care, but he just disappears without a word.
Who knows where???

I don't care if I am the FWW, that I am some kind of selfish fog bound creature to some people, I have a right to be angry at him for doing this and I am damn angry because I'm worried. My daughter is worried, my son is worried and thats NOT FAIR!!!

I swear if he was not hurt already I'd knock him down on his [censored] when he comes home.

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

AW, don't know what to say other than that you and Aussie are in my thoughts. You're going through a really tough situation. He is afraid to open up to you right now because he can't trust you, and is trying to deal with very painful emotions completely by himself - exactly what you did, but you couldn't handle your feelings and that led to your A. It seems clear that you know now how destructive that can be. Its odd reading your posts and his and seeing how similar you two are in some ways.

I would try to hold off with your anger over this weekend and express the real emotion behind it, worry and fear. Especially because he doesn't trust you right now and you need to get that trust back again, and an angry outburst is not going to help that. When he comes back, try thinking of his feelings first and maybe just listen to him for a while. Show him that you want to be there for him.

Hi AW. I'm another Aussie but on the east coast. Haven't any advice for you as I don't feel informed anough of your situation. Just want to send some {{{{{{{A & AW}}}}}}} to you both. Hope that your H has found his way home & that he could clear his thoughts, what ever they may be. It does sound as if he is in a bad place in himself right now & needs to get away. I agree with you that he shouldn't be putting you & your family through this worry. He could have told you that he needed some space, but we don't know what is going on in his head at this point in time. How are the kids coping? Take care
WH 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
Married 6th November 76
D Day # 1 10 November 2003
H had sevral A's over 10 years
Working at staying together forever

smur
I do like to think that we were so close and so much alike. I guess after 18 years of M we grew together. It used to be a joke between us that we could very often jump in & say what the other was thinking & about to say. Now, now there seems such a chasm between us.
I miss it so much.
I'm not sure we will ever find our way back together.
I destroyed that. For nothing, for a few quick moments of sterile so called pleasure.
I thought I needed it at the time, that it was harmless because Aussie would never know & I could walk away untouched by it all.
What an absolute fool.

Smur you have helped so often I do seem to never ask you how are you doing at the moment?
Any more on your situation with your H?
I can't remember if you are trying to do the plan A or a modified version of it but I wondered what would be appropriate in such a situation. I guess I'm trying to do something of the same but don’t know how I would cope myself if Aussie decided he wanted to go off for a weekend with another woman.

Is it showing any response from your H or is he still in his own fog? You must really have a heart like Farlap Smur to keep going so strong on this. I do so wish it all works out with you.

If it was Aussie?? I suppose I'd accept his decision without approving it in any way, I'd feel like telling him it was all over but that would be pretty hypocritical wouldn't it? I think I really do fear he will end up doing this. You know not revenge as such but more of 'well you broke our vows so I don’t think I have to keep them either.'

Anyway Aussie did come home tonight and yes he really was fishing. Brought home a cooler with 5 Black Brim and he smelled like an waterlogged over ripe fish. YUCK!!

So I did as you suggested, made no big deal of him coming home when he did, just asked him casually how was the fishing, did he enjoy the time away doing what he liked, he says he did, and I quietly FUMED but away from him. He is completely oblivious to having caused any worry or concern by his actions.
Frankly I don’t know if I should say anything or have a talk to our MC and ask what is the best option here.

Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I being too sensitive?
Look I don’t mind giving him some space if he feels he needs it but it's just disappearing with no idea where or with who.
I'm trying so hard to be the wife he wants even if I have failed at that so often so recently.

Thanks eyesopened. I think the kids are feeling right in the middle of this. For a while I was rejected by both of them, my fault, I betrayed them too from their point of view.
Our soon to be 17yr son was hurt and worried and a little difficult for a few weeks but seems to have taken a less judgemental stance recently.
Our 18 yr Daughter has been very judgemental and never forgets to remind me its all my fault. We have had a number of arguments about her dating habits and she will usually say something about how I am such a 'good role model'. That hurts very deeply and I really can say nothing other than I love her and don’t want her to make my mistakes. Aussie has supported me so that we present a united front & that has helped a lot.
I feel very worthless & disheartened at these times but I am determined to fight for my family & M. Maybe I haven't done it very well yet. I still find it so hard to tell Aussie everything about the affair because I do feel so ashamed & some of the events are a bit fuzzy . But I am trying so hard to do that. Its not as easy as it seems.

AW,

First let me say I have a friend who told his 18 year old he should drop out of school, start his multimillion dollar company, and reap the vast rewards NOW, as it was unlikely he would EVER know as much as he did right now. Isn't 18 wonderful? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You said a few things I thought I would comment on.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I did as you suggested, made no big deal of him coming home when he did, just asked him casually how was the fishing, did he enjoy the time away doing what he liked, he says he did, and I quietly FUMED but away from him. He is completely oblivious to having caused any worry or concern by his actions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No he is NOT oblivious, but I think he is testing. I think if I were in your shoes I would mention that you and the kids were very worried about him. You are glad he got some time away, but you wish that in the future he tell you and/or the kids so that you all don't worry so much about him.

But, AW also remember his is struggling with a lot more than just the A. It is a temptation to assume that everything has to do with that, but I think it is clearly true with your H it is not all he is dealing with. He may not be able to separate them, but there are other issues.

I would also suggest that you set down, take his hand and ask him if there is anything you can help him with, or would he just like to talk and let things out, now that he has had some time to himself.

Finally, a question. I thought your part of the world was very dry. So where does one go fishing, in the ocean???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly I don’t know if I should say anything or have a talk to our MC and ask what is the best option here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could do both. But, he probably was just escaping things for a moment, so a gentle offer to listen might help, especially about his friend, and how he is feeling with regard to his wounds. Take care of him abit, AW. It won't hurt and it might help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I being too sensitive?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think You have mine, but yes you are too sensitive about some things and probably not enough about others. It is a hard call to make, so when in doubt do the kind and caring thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look I don’t mind giving him some space if he feels he needs it but it's just disappearing with no idea where or with who.
I'm trying so hard to be the wife he wants even if I have failed at that so often so recently.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him that plainly and simply, but also give him a hug and say you are glad he is back. Acknowledging that you missed him and you are glad he is back might be a bigger thing than you realize. I am guessing but he may well feel disconnected and need to feel he is wanted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks eyesopened. I think the kids are feeling right in the middle of this. For a while I was rejected by both of them, my fault, I betrayed them too from their point of view.
Our soon to be 17yr son was hurt and worried and a little difficult for a few weeks but seems to have taken a less judgemental stance recently.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good news here, but keep reassuring him that you love him and your H. It will help him. Also talk with him about ideas to do something your H might like to do. Don't put pressure on him or get him in the middle but let him know that you value his thoughts and need input from him with regard to his Dad. I am betting he looks up to his Dad alot.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our 18 yr Daughter has been very judgemental and never forgets to remind me its all my fault. We have had a number of arguments about her dating habits and she will usually say something about how I am such a 'good role model'. That hurts very deeply and I really can say nothing other than I love her and don’t want her to make my mistakes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look her in the eye and say point out if she had any brains she would indeed use you as a role model, not just for the A, but for having the courage to admit you were wrong and doing your best to face these issues and make it up to her Dad and yes even you children. She needs to understand the courage it takes to face this. You have more than you realize AW. Don't let her back you down, with her words when you know she is wrong.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Aussie has supported me so that we present a united front & that has helped a lot.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so very good. You two are still a team with respect to the children. I am proud of both of you for that. Have you thanked Aussie for doing this?? I hope so.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel very worthless & disheartened at these times but I am determined to fight for my family & M. Maybe I haven't done it very well yet. I still find it so hard to tell Aussie everything about the affair because I do feel so ashamed & some of the events are a bit fuzzy . But I am trying so hard to do that. Its not as easy as it seems.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, here is the hard part. It is time you realized you are not worthless. Clearly your H thinks you are worth far more than you realize. He also needs you very much. So do your children,or they would NOT have been hurt. As for being disheartened, it is normal, but hang in thee AW. You can do this, plus you know that Aussie needs your help, as he struggles with alot of issues not related to the A.

You fear telling him the truth, but the problem will be that his mind will make up worse things, and if he is depressed he will dwell on those worse things. You need to realize that the reality as you know it is very likely less than the images he is struggling with. So you really are not protecting either of you, by not coming forward. Please think about this.

I must go, but hang in there AW. This takes a long time but you have the stuff to make it work. I think that Aussie will come around,but he does need some TLC from you. Is that a term used Down Under? Tender Loving Care. Probably so. In any event hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

AW===Thank you for your post, it was nice, for a change here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I can understand why you did not want to post here for a while about your problems with your A and M.
I am glad Aussie made it back safely and that he was really fishing. I would had been so worried, not knowing where he was, just like you were. I think you have to let him know that he has to tell you his whereabouts. He cannot just go off like that. You are his wife still and you live in the same house.
AW...this is very hard,yes. I cannot believe the mess I had created by having an A. I really never know how is my husband going to be, how is going to look at me, talk to me. Like sometimes he looks at me ,like he is intimidated with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . He tells me, that I am so much stronger than him right now.That I have all this power. I tell him, no, I am the same, but with another negative to my personality. Who knows what will happen in the future. It seems uncertain at times, other times I see things with a lot of hope,but those are the least times.
It must be so horrible for you, that your daughter talks to you like that. Thats something that terrifies me, my girls finding out!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I move out of the country away from them if that happens!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Well, I think you are doing really well, so dont give up hope. He wants the marriage just as bad as you do. He is just dealing with so much. Poor guy!! I think he is extremely sensitive, and he does not know how to handle all that has happened to him. Time, just give him time and patience and above all LOVE!!

Take care

Myrta

I'll have to second JL's thoughts on revealing the truth.
You know, the mind is a funny thing, it gets off on its own and can make up some pretty terrible thoughts when the picture isn't complete.
You need to tell him everything, as soon as you can. Until you pass that point, you both will just be running around in circles.

Hi AW,

Don't know about a heart like pharlap, sometimes it seems to be in a million pieces with a few band-aids tacked over it. Thanks for your kind thoughts though, its really nice and its the kind of thing that keeps me going even when I'm losing hope.

I'm very glad for you both to hear he came back and really was fishing. So you can see that your worst fears about him not taking his meds and doing something desperate weren't founded. I guess I agree with JL that I didn't mean to say that I think you shouldn't say anything to him about your feelings if you were worried about him - just not be angry and especially not LB. But it sounds like you handled it well.

JL

Had a little laugh over your post and truth to tell a few tears too.

18, yes it would be so wonderful to be so right and just know everything again wouldn’t it?? No greys at all, all just is black or white, right or wrong, no shades between. I’m both envious and so glad I’ve been through that…lol

You see the dating issues with our daughter is because to be frank, right now both Aussie & I think she is too vulnerable because of our issue to get too involved. Not much we can do really she is an adult now but we can gently suggest. Of course she thinks that’s interfering and what do we know? At least there is one thing and that is she has dropped the no hopers off her list of men!!
Unfortunately the last 2 months she has been going out with a very NICE young man. He’s an officer cadet at Duntroon and on leave for emergency reasons, his Dad had a heart attack only 47 the poor man.
In fact this young man I am frightened of, he is way to much like her dad and I am concerned she is getting in so deep. To be blunt she is too young to end up a army widow. H*ll I’m too young to be a army widow for that matter.
I’m going against all my upbringing and probably that of many MB’ers here, but I wish if she must, then to live with him for while once his training is over before committing to M. She is very much a young catholic and has some firm opinions on M which is good, but how many of us know what we want at 18- 20??? Look who’s talking, married at 18 a mum before 19!! ( ok JL if you are doing your sums yes I am 36, just feel older)

As for Aussie he is outside on the patio measuring this and that, happily putting around for the last hour . Last night I did give him a big hug and said I missed him and what happened after that is not your business - lol - but I also said the kids & I would like a bit better warning of where he is going and with whom, what if the kids had needed him etc. He seemed a little bit puzzled by that said he would leave Andy’s mobile number or take his own next time.

I haven’t yet sat down, taken his hand and asked him if there is anything I can help him with, or would if he just like to talk and let things out, now that he has had some time to himself as you suggested but I think I shall. That seems right somehow.
And now to your ‘most’ important question…… “Finally, a question. I thought your part of the world was very dry. So where does one go fishing, in the ocean???”

Well we have streams and dams and rivers for Freshwater fishing and lots of rivers for mixed fishing and of course the Indian & Southern Oceans. Of course all I know about fishing is that you put a line in the water and any fish on it Aussie takes off. I don’t mind cooking them as long as he cleans and guts them, or is it he other way around? Anyway that’s my involvement. Aussie went fishing in the Swan river which is the river which goes through the centre of the city.
But yes its dry, usually hot in summer - not unusual to have 10 days or so of 100+ in the shade & you can cook eggs on the car bonnet, warm to cool in winter, though it does snow on the Ponderup Hills down south every now & then.

So I have to still be totally honest for Aussie, but truly it is so hard to remember the things he wants to know. I was pretty much out of it and wanted it that way I guess. That alone is so hard to tell him. Feel pretty cheap to if we are totally honest.

Hi AW
At least Aussie got fish. We went fishing on the weekend also, but no fish. It was relaxing just the same as we were in the river also. Is it raining over there today? It's so hot here & going to be hotter tomorrow.
It is a beautiful city, so clean. I was over there in April for a couple of days & loved it.
My DD had a hard time even looking at her Dad at first & if he came into the room, she walked out. She was very discrete about it & H never noticed, but I knew. She would tell me. I told H that he had to talk to DD, but H is a conflict avoider, so I had to really encourage him to. After their talk, they are getting on much better. I think he answered all her questions, I was not with them at the time as I thought it would be better just the two of them. She is very dissappointed in him as is our DS, but they have been a great support to us both. Can you sit down & be very frank with your DD about the whole mess?
As for the honesty, please be as truthful as you would expect him to be to you. My H told me so many lies on D day#1, #2, #3, #4, that now I'm not sure that he is telling me the truth at all. I had to find out everything for myself & that is awful.I don't think that I know everything yet, even though H says that I do. We are 11mths from d day#1 & I have some really bad times still. I just wish he had told me the truth first up, then I wouldn't be like this. I feel that for any recovery to be 100%, then ALL cards must be on the table.
My H has been wonderful to me & has spent every weekend with me since I approached him with the proof. He just kept lying, says it was to protect me from more pain as he could see how much I was hurting, but it is so much worse.
Sending you more {{{{{ }}}}} to help you get through this.
Take care ...... Eyes
WH 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
Married 6th November 1976
D Day #1 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10years
Working at staying together forever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong> So I have to still be totally honest for Aussie, but truly it is so hard to remember the things he wants to know. I was pretty much out of it and wanted it that way I guess. That alone is so hard to tell him. Feel pretty cheap to if we are totally honest. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AW- I haven't posted to you before, but I have been reading your thread. I'm just chiming in here b/c I know how difficult it is to be totally honest about what happened. For WS who come out of the fog, even thoughts about what happened are so painful- and make you feel so, well, dirty, for lack of a better word that it is next to impossible to force the words out of your mouth admitting to another person- the person you care so much about- what you did. And you also are plagued with fears that if they knew THIS or if they knew THAT - that they wouldnt' be able to love or forgive.

The thing though, is that in giving your spouse the complete truth when you are asked, you are not only freeing yourself- you are freeing your spouse from the monster of *what if*. I was not the BS (obviously by my name) but I have to believe that it is better to *know* then to wonder- and to have fears/thoughts of what MIGHT have happened continue to torture you. I do not believe that recovery can happen until the truth is given. Until then, the constant *what if's* that your husband surely has, will not be silenced. AND....once you have given your H the truth - there will be no more sickening feeling in your stomach - wondering and worrying if the TRUTH will end up ending it all. At that point, I think that YOU can begin to heal and recover as well, because you DO need that. Us WS are injured in many ways by our A's; yes, we made our bed and now we have to lie in it- but that doesn't remove the actual NEED we have to piece together our shattered conceptions of WHO WE ARE...because all remorseful spouses are plagued with the question of "how could we have???"

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Don't know if any of this is in the least helpful.

Thinking of you.