My marriage has been in recovery since June. I am very fortunate, grateful, blessed and sometimes feel fleeting joy amidst the uncertainty, painful memories and chronic insecurity. My H is extremely remorseful, loving and involved with me again, just as before. Tough time trusting this. Worried that it can happen again because if he was like this before and could do what he did, he can do this to me again.<BR>I know way too much about the fling-what they did, what they said, where they went, how many times. The three hour a day phone calls bother me the most next to having unprotected sex. The hot pursuit, pushing me aside for her, the desire to be with her make me sick and crazy still. I am having a hell of a time getting past all this. I don't think I can.<BR>I find that somethings are just now coming to the surface, such as my perception of 'withdrawal'. <BR>When I first came to the forum in May, my H had been home for about four months after a very short three-weekend, long distance-traveling fling. The OW became pregnant and gave birth in August. My H continued talking to her for three hours every single day for about six weeks after the last time he saw her. When the communication ended in mid-January, he went into treatment for another three weeks for his alcoholism. When he got out he came home and was a SOB for about three months. Was that 'withdrawal'? What is withdrawal? Is it the pain of losing the OW? Is it him missing the OW? Longing for the OW? Wishing he were with the OW? Prefering the OW? Desiring the OW but feeling as though he should be with spouse? Did I win H by default? I ignored the 'whys' of withdrawal when it was taking place because I couldn't face the realities of it...the ostrich syndrome. I think he really wanted her but came home for other reasons. He has not spoken to her since January 17th. We have been involved in testimonies via long distance with the courts several times and we will have to travel on February 17th for the big confrontational court date in person and see this OW and the OC, who is now about 4 or 5 months old. <BR>If anyone can explain what withdrawal is and why it occurs, why it eventually ends, I would be interested in your take on it. Thanks, Catnip<BR>

You've gotten alot farther than I have. My H just left 3 days ago and is an active alcoholic. The OW is also a big drinker. I just couldn't compete with that. I honestly think if he wasn't drinking things wouldn't have happened this way. I do believe that withdrawal can cause the person to be a SOB. I know my H is like that when he doesn't drink. Everything you do p@#$es them off. Keep your chin up!!

Withdrawal from an affair is not a great deal different from withdrawal from anything that causes an addiction.<P>And it does not take place with continued contact. Just as an alcoholic doesn't withdraw if he just drinks a little less and a drug addict doesn't withdraw as long as he's using, your H couldn't really withdraw until the contact is ended. And it can last a long time and be very hard on you and him.<P>Harley has some info on getting through withdrawal on this site. Read it - read it all. And if you haven't read "Surviving an Affair", get it. It will help.<P>And go through old posts. Pull up Airheart's posts. You'll see how hard he worked and how much suffering he's been through. And find many many others responding who were going through it with him. Check all of them, too.<P>Why? Because when he's withdrawing, your H will suffer. And sometimes I think we forget that. His pain is real and hard. You'll get a better understanding by reading what our friends here have gone through. And some great advice as to how to help him. 'Cause it's all your job for a while. And it's gonna be tough. But worth every bit.<P>So read them all. Understand the pain and how different, yet the same, it is for each one. And you'll be able to see what damage contact can really do. To everyone involved. And how long it can string out withdrawal and postpone recovery.<P>Good luck. And many prayers. Stay strong.<P>Lori

<BR>catnip,<P>You've been in my thoughts and my spouse's thoughts lately (I think you knew that, though).<P>Withdrawal is usually likened to the same sort of withdrawal one sees in drug addicts. The exact source of the pain can vary for different people, and it could be more than one thing causing pain. My hunch is that in many cases, the pain of withdrawal results from a realization that some fantasy life the betrayer envisioned will never materialize (and the old problems in the marriage haven't been resolved, either). In these dreams, the betrayers envision love, financial success, and who knows what else...its their fantasy.<P>So when that dream runs headfirst into reality, the betrayers don't only face the prospect of losing a loved one. They also face the loss of an entirely different life, one without all of the current problems they face; in sum, its the loss of an idyllic fanatsy world they created. You can imagine how the loss of this prospective world would depress some betrayers and possibly enrage other betrayers.<P>I know one woman whose husband betrayed her. At one point she calmly set down with him at their kitchen table and they went through the finances of a divorce. The numbers didn't square with his fantasy world (e.g., nice apartment, new sports car, money for the OW), and he made the decision to stay in the marriage. However, he deeply resented being "forced" to stay because of the finances, and it took roughly two years for their marriage to get onto what I'd call solid footing. Not only did the woman have to go through his emotional withdrawal from the affair, she had to wait for him to work through his resentment for "forcing" him to stay in the marriage.<P>Bystander

Thank you Lostva, Mitzi and Bystander for your kindness at responding to my post and for your sage insights. I never really faced the withdrawal while it happened, and now that it is long over with, I think I must be looking for something to be mad at. I find it extremely difficult that my H can be so in love with me again. I guess I just don't believe him. This will just take time.<P>Bystander, an e-mail on it's way.