Yoko, do you have story you would like to share with us on your own thread?

Just wondering.....

I'm not sure if I wanna open up a thread about my story. It'd feel like I'm taking my clothes off infront of everyone. But I'll share a little I guess. Although I personally never experienced being the cheater or the cheatee, I've seen what inifidelity can do. My parents went through it. It was horrible. My dad was the cheater. It had happened when I was only 7 years old but yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday. My dad prolly thought my mom was just your ordinary cookie-baking clueless housewife who had no idea of his hidden agendas but my dear mother surpassed through the lies my pathetic father contrived, and when she found out...it was one of the saddest things that I'll ever remember. I saw my mom go off on my dad...and my dad, the lier that he is, denied everything to the core. My mom was sobbing uncontrollably and her blood pressure soared so high that her skin began to show red spots-the tears my mother shed that day, I could never forget...I thought she was gonna die at that point. I was hoping that they'd divorce since my dad was never a good father to begin with, it would'nt harm me in any way. I started to look at my dad as a harlot, and a slut unworthy of my respect. I thought to myself, how could he do this to my mother. The girl who he's been chasing, and the girl whom he promised forever? My mom decides to forgive him and give another chance since cheaters by nature always pull a tearful plea just to fix things, and if you ask me, it's another one of their self-serving motives. All that sex...a sacred deed only supposed to be shared with great exclusivity, has now been tarnished beyond hope. It's been years now and my folks are still together(FYI, not only does it affect the betrayed spouse, it affects children too), but the pain is still there. I wish my mom could just move on w/ some1 else better. I always talk to her and it's pretty apparent on her face, a countenance of denial. there have been instances where my dad had had another shenanigans after that explosive one...and I think my mom is just too tired to even pay attention to that. She used to trust my dad 100%...but now, that kind of trust cannot be retrieved. when problems come her way, the 1st person she comes to is me...my dad relaizes this and is jealous. Why be jealous when you have the consequences comin'.

Curly
its great that you have broken contact with the Om and it should be the first step in getting abck your M. Obviously there are some issues between you & your H but most issues can be resolved if both are willing to work together.
You may need a MC for this but if so get a good one. A promarriage one.
Let us know how you are going Curly, you have done a very brave thing to end this now and should be proud that you did find the strength.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Yoko

I agree that an A, ANY A hurts children too. I think anyone is just fooling themselves to say otherwise. My Kids are 18 & 17 and even so it has hurt them.
My DD was very, very angry with me and I think she hated me for a while. My DS was angry but far more forgiving a lot sooner. I think that is due to the simple nature of a young man and that of a young women. Both said I had the responsibility to make it up to dad and them. And they were right! As they learned what had happened to myself and their Dad they had more compassion but no less expectations. It was my responsibility and I just have to accept it.
And I have, But I have no guarantees that I will ever have what I threw away. Yes it is a price that I pay. You see Yoko, its not a simple matter of me picking up the pieces and making things all ‘better’, that’s the least of it. No it’s a lifetime commitment from me to demonstrate that I am worthy of their love and commitment to me. Its all about my actions not what I say.
Perhaps Yoko your anger with your Dad is that he never seemed to work with your Mum in making sure the M was no longer subject to an A. It sounds from your post he was more sorry to have got caught than ever trying to build a new M from the ruins of the old one.
Yes you have it exactly!, Saying you are in love is NO excuse for hurting your spouse and family. In fact are there any excuses? (Maybe a mental condition or sickness but that’s it. !)
Can anything good come from something so wrong?? Maybe once in a million times if you are very lucky. But I doubt it.

I'm sorry you were ever put through such pain & loss at such a young age because it is obvious it has stayed with you even now.
But you can learn from all our mistakes and know all the ways to keep any relationship of yours free from such pain and hurt. They are all here on this site for you to read and learn, That is something we all can do.

I think that when children discover that their parents make these kinds of mistakes, they start to look at them as people, real people. As for my parents' marriage...there never was an improvement. The affairs no longer occur because my mom has given him ultimatums...but other than that, their marriage is pretty dead. I think affairs are like drugs...which causes addictions. Maybe it's like you felt that you were really high at the time. And like a drug, the usage must be kept a secret. And to tell you frankly, when a wife commits PA on their husbands...It hurts them beyond words. To imprint a mental image of another man worshipping your wife's temple is simply unbearable in my book. People always say that it is very unfortunate for you to take the people you love forgranted. My bestfriend said to me..."Why would you want to be with a person who realizes your true value only after a tragic thing (such as an affair)has occured?" For a person who says they realized they really loved you with all their hearts only after they were with another person (or a mistake) is just plain stupid and downright a slap in the face. Your daughter probably got really pissed at you coz she might be daddy's little girl...and admired how much you loved her dad and for her to find out, was a separate betrayal unto herself. You should let your husband have a fill of the cup that you drank from when you hurt him. Give him other options...let him see other people. Only then will you know if you two were ever right for eachother, because I don't think he can completely forgive you. It's like the body of the betrayer has been marked by the memory, sullied and marred by the thrusts...and scents of the OP. and i don't think it's fair for you to be held accountable for the rest of your life, but you can't really blame your hubby now...but what can I say, harsh deeds equal harsh results. I hope your family is ok.

Yes Yoko we are as ok as one can be. I mean the kids are able to talk to me, perhaps in a more mature way than before, I guess as you said they see that we are people now. It would have been nice to let them keep their innocence a bit longer.
The idea of a revenge affair is a bad one Yoko for everyone. They NEVER work out and end up hurting the BS more than the the FWS that they are aimed at. My H had the option of divorce and he did consider it but decided he would forgive. he could ahve then run around as much as he wanted but he didn't.
Can he live with that? I'm not sure, never will be for a long time I suppose, but it is a lot of work from both of us.
You must remember his life experiences are far more extensive than most civilians and he has seen things I never want to or would want him or anyone to experience either, but that alas was not the reality.
I'm sure that was a major consideration of his decision to stay in the M. If he did that Yoko then he can't also decide to do something that hurt him in the first place. You know the old saying, two wrongs DO NOT make it right!!
Marriage reeconcilation is either all or nothing. He's not prepared to stay M and have nothing so he wants it to work. So do I.
If you mean would I be as generous as he has been if the positions are ever reversed?
Well I don't know. I dont think you can until it happens. I do think it can depend on the circumstances and yes I'm sure it played a big part in my H decision.
If you are talking punishment, I can tell you I have have hurt myself in ways I could not have imagined. Recovery will be long, it may fail, but I must try with all that I have because my H wants it that way.

AW,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Recovery will be long...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Recovery will be long... well, it sure doesn't happen over night, but as long as you and Aussie are both committed... it will get better and better as you both learn and grow...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it may fail </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only if you or Aussie give up! AW, Aussie loves you... he hasn't left the M... zap these negative thoughts and keep writing in your journal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I must try with all that I have because my H wants it that way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are doing great!

Tell Aussie that we're all praying for him and his mates and all of the other guys and gals in Iraq...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Post deleted by Justuss

curly

every time you ans the OM you areright back to where you started, but I guess you know that. Get his add out of your list NOW.

You've been doing so well but then slide back.... thats natural but you need to stay away from OM. You will want to contact him, you will want him to IM you but if he does DO NOT ans.

Make sure you get some help to with a MC.

Well I feel so low right now. I guess I'm just wanting some contact, any contact from Aussie but don't expect any.

So I'm sitting down watching cricket or Angel repeats or anything and listening to those soppy songs on FM radio.

I feel this one is so much how I feel right now...


When I saw you standing there
I about fell off my chair
When you moved your mouth to speak
I felt the blood go to my feet

Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just cried
I see the want in your blue eyes

Baby, I'd love you to want me
The way that I want you
The way that it should be
Baby, you'd love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you'd only let it be

You told yourself years ago
You'd never let your feelings show
The obligation that you made
For the title that they gave

Baby, I'd love you to want me
The way that I want you
The way that it should be
Baby, you'd love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you'd only let it be

I just feel useless right now, no way to do much but hurry up and wait and worry and miss him. Our nieces wedding is tomorrow and I'm going of course but I can't help feeling out of place.

Want to be positive and I want to be strong but I'm more like a willow drooping down and being blown to hell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just feel useless right now, no way to do much but hurry up and wait and worry and miss him. Our nieces wedding is tomorrow and I'm going of course but I can't help feeling out of place.

Want to be positive and I want to be strong but I'm more like a willow drooping down and being blown to hell. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{{AW}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there! I know it's hard... My W and I are so lucky to be able to communicate every day... Aussie will contact you as soon as he can, you know that! Don't listen to the "What If" questions that pop up...

How's your journaling going? Please share your feelings with Aussie in your journal... let him know of your pain while he's away...

I'm praying for you guys...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

AWife-- I feel so bad for the pain you are going thru. You were so nice and encouraging to me in my thread, and I feel at loss of words to try to do the same to you.
But just hang in there,trying to as best as you can. I am sure Aussie will call you or write you soon. Maybe he is not able to do it very freely.
Its a very good idea that you are keeping a journal of your thoughts,your feelings.Then when he comes he can read everything.Make sure you date everything you write too.
AW, why do we feel so low? I thought it was going to get better faster!! Didn't you?
Have anice time at your niece's wedding! Put on a happy face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
(((((((((AW))))))))))

Take care.

MYRTA

I dunno. I strongly believe that you should really give your hubby other options. I believe that 2 wrongs don't make it right but I don't believe it is wrong for him to see other people. Coz if you don't, I get the feeling that he's gonna have a mid-life crisis. [gasps] Wait just a minute...did you say your hubby was in army or navy?

Yoko no matter what I will never advise my husband to become an adulterer. It is wrong before man and God. I am & will pay for my choice, I will not ever encourage another person to break their vows.
There's enough pain around here already and its not for us to add to it.
Hopefully Yoko you will find & have a loving relationship, and understand its not about getting even especially when you may feel like doing that. And its then Yoko as the WS that you realise the quality and grace of the betrayed spouse, at least I did. Horror and and soul sickening flood of reality is only the beginning.
I pray you never learn of it either way.

Well there has been some excitement around the old homestead tonight.

First of all its 3.15 in the morning and just 15 minutes ago my 17 year old army cadet son shipped out on a navy boat. Its a short 3 to 5 day trip out into the Indian Ocean down into the Southern ocean to patrol Australia's Antartic territories and get to know what ship board life and discipline is as our Army also does the marine training not being big enough to have our own separate service.
He was excited and well I just couldn't deny him the experience though a few parents have. Yes I would like him to dig ditches for a living before joining the Defence forces but its not my choice is it?
Why do little boys have to grow up to be soldiers? Is especially hard when friends my age are only having their 1st or 2nd child right now and I have to let mine go. He's so tall now its so hard to beleive that a few short years ago he was running up to me driving me crazy with all the questions in the universe why Mummie why? Sort of miss that.
But such is life. Mummy sniffle. Oh be quiet you men!!

My daughter has been just walking around the last week with something important on her mind so after her brother left with his mates to report in she wanted to talk.
Well no big secret, she's fallen in love big time with her knight in shining armour from the Royal Military College at Duntroon & who is a professional Army officer.
I did sone delicate probing and it apears there has been lots and lots of SF going on though she has seen her doctor and is tsking the pill.
well she has always been level headed at least. (So much for Father Russells relig ed unit)
Its pretty close to what I thought was going on anyway so its not a big surprise.
But she has a big problem, she is not keen on getting married yet and he is due to complete his final training in march next year and then be deployed to gain practical experience.
I think the poor kid is terrified of makng a mistake on one hand and of perhaps loosing him on the other.
Stupid damn war!!
I hope I have given good advice which was to wait and see how her feelings developd over the next few months especially as he would be away in Canberra for most of time except Christmas.
This is the first time I have seen my daughter so unsure of herself since she was 13. She is so determined in all that she does I sometimes forget she is only 18 and knows only living at home with us.
I felt privlidged that she wanted to talk with me about this and so maturely. I think she sees, no let me rephrase that, I am sure she knows what she wants, just not the when or how. its hard being a Mum these days.
I mean the protective shield her from all hurt thoughts lock in and you want to say no you are too young. But I refrained.
DO I tell her to think again. go to UNi first???I wish I had a cryatal ball to know what is the right thing to say.

Hi AW,

well I hope you are feeling a little better than yesterday. It must be tough with no means to communicate while he is working so far away! But its great that he got that message through to you, so you know that, as soon as he can, he will contact you.

It sounds as though you need to keep busy with things to keep the 'what ifs' away for a while.... and it does sound busy around there right now. It can imagine it would be really hard to let your kids go now that they are (almost) adults... But I guess it must be comforting to know that your daughter trusts you and wants to talk to you about her own feelings and ask your advice, that sounds like a sign that your R with her is really much improved.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts on my situation. There haven't been any changes as we're still apart, and I'm not really sure what will happen when we see each other again. Some days I am just tired of feeling like I am shouldering everything alone and every move I make is somehow critical. I think H has a lot of issues in himself that this has brought up and the terrible thing is that I really can't help him with those issues, just stand back and hope and pray he gets through them, and then after that is prepared to do the necessary work for our M.

hope things are going better at your end.

(sigh) it's unfortunate that some people only realize your significance only after a tragic thing occurs. Why can't it be at the beginning?