I'm new here, also. And like many of you, wish I weren't.

My question is about confronting the "other" person involved in an affair.

Here's the situation in a nutshell: my wife this summer had an encounter with her best friend's husband, while his wife was out of the country. We were having some problems in our marriage, and somehow she began talking to the husband about them. That, of course, opened the door for him.

I know the guy a bit: I'd met him a few times, and over the summer, he said he wanted to be my "friend." I now realize that the reason he was so interested in my "friendship" was that he wanted to get close to my wife.

Both of them are responsible, of course. They both made a CHOICE that shouldn't have been made.

But..here's where I have a problem: this guy has told his wife - who remains a friend of mine - a very different story than what my wife has told me.

The story he tells is that my wife "threw herself at him," and that he tried hard to resist. But finally, she overcame his resistance. The story she tells me - which I believe - is that he asked her to dance one night when she was his ouse. From there, it ballooned. Also, he told her that he is in love with her.

His wife knows about the affair - and obviously, she and my wife are no longer friends. What I am struggling with is this: I believe that this guy should tell the TRUTH to his wife about what happened - that he asked her to dance and that he moved the relationship along afterword by professing to love her.

All of this is a long-winded way of asking whether it's worth it to confront the guy with my wife's story and to to urge him to tell his wife THE TRUTH. Or whether I should tell her directly what my wife says happened.

Why does this seem important to me?

I think his wife needs to know that her husband -who has had at least one other affair in the past - is not as innocent in this as she belives him to be. But...and this is the odd part...I also care deeply about my wife. She obviously made a huge mistake...and it's going to take a long time to put our marriage back on track.

But she's not a slut or a seductress. She's a basically good woman who gave in to a moment of weakness...and a lot of confusion about our relationship.

What's done is done. But...I think the record needs to be set straight. I think the inappropriate actions that the husband took to cause this situation (He NEVER should have agreed to talk to my wife about these personal issues. He should have TOLD me he had talked to her, and he should NEVER have asked her to dance) need to have a light shone on them.

But...maybe I'm just talking now from hurt and a desire to get a measure of revenge.

Any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated. Sorry it is so long.

To me, trying to set the story straight for him and his marriage is a complete waste of YOUR valuable energy that you WILL need for all for YOU and YOUR M.

The point of telling the OP or OP's S is simply to bring the A to light to help end it. This has already been done - great.

IMO, I'd say worry about fixing your issues - not theirs.

Forget talking to the OM, as it will likely lead to nothing being accomplished.

Rather, it may make more sense to talk to the OM's wife, and share what you know to be factual with HER, because what the OM has told his Wife is likely far different than the truth.

Read about exposure as part of Plan A, and educate yourself before you jump into actions that may prove counterproductive.

Purchase and read (not just read, actually STUDY, Surviving an Affair. It give you a plan on how to comprehend all that's transpired so far, and better yet, how to proceed without shooting yourself in the foot.

That my 2c worth...

SD

Forget mate,
You are wasting your time.

If you really need to speak to the OM's wife and let her know your wifes version, because I guess they both are telling a few lies to amke them look better in their souses eyes, you & her.

The truth is so hard to get from them, you never really know if you ever have.

AndrewA,

I just wanted to welcome you. Sorry you had to come here to begin with. I'm a WW (I had an A with my best friend, whom I met on the internet--she was a woman--a first for me! Never thought I'd cheat on my H, but that's my long story).

I wanted to also tell you that I'm in a similar predicament--I'm CERTAIN that my ex-girlfriend fessed up to her H and only told him certain things. I'm CERTAIN that she portrayed ME as the aggressive one in the A. It's the only way he would have forgiven her and protected her. He asked me to stop communicating with her. He changed her cellphone number.

What gets me (like it's getting to you) is that the truth isn't told. I was DYING to tell the truth to him. I was/am sitting on tons of "proof" that she was in the A just as much as I was. I have pictures, letters, emails, gifts, etc, and my ex knows it, which is why she is probably so afraid to hear from me.

At first I wanted to "out" her to her H and prove that I wasn't the aggressor, but now nearly 5 months later, I know I won't expose her like that. I'm leaving her to live her own life, and to have to live with any lies she may be telling her H. It'll eat away at her at some point.

I know that by your telling the wife of the OM, you'd feel somewhat redeemed. It's sweet that you want to defend your wife's name like that. I don't know what good will come of it, and the wife probably has an inkling that her H isn't telling the truth. You'll do what you have to do though, and I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do. Take care!

CC

Andrew A,
Welcome.

A few points:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The story he tells is that my wife "threw herself at him," and that he tried hard to resist. But finally, she overcame his resistance. The story she tells me - which I believe - is that he asked her to dance one night when she was his ouse. From there, it ballooned. Also, he told her that he is in love with her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An axiom that I've found is this: When there is more than one version of "the truth", the actual truth lies somewhere in the middle. Does the name 'Kobe Bryant' ring a bell? Don't look at either of the affair partners answers, look at the info in the middle. More than likely both individuals pursued the other equally.

The only time that you should consider contacting the OP is if your wife tells him to buzz off, and he doesn't. If the A has been exposed, then whatever you say to OM's W will be construed as "crazy, jealous guy" anyway.

I would focus this energy on INSURING that the A has stopped, and examining why your W engaged in this sort of behavior.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But...and this is the odd part...I also care deeply about my wife. She obviously made a huge mistake...and it's going to take a long time to put our marriage back on track.

But she's not a slut or a seductress. She's a basically good woman who gave in to a moment of weakness...and a lot of confusion about our relationship.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you care about your W. She's your W. She knew right from wrong, and chose to pursue a potentially M-killing behavior. Not to try to scare you, but do not underestimate your W's ability to engage in this kind of behavior again.

What are you and your W doing to work on recovery?

Has she written a NC letter?

Ethan

Thank you all for your responses.

Furnitureman...what is an NC letter? And...we are going to counseling to try putting this all back together.

I'm new at this, as I said. So...here's a question I'll throw out there: have those of you here found that the best way to cope is to believe the story that makes you feel the best - by that mean, less hurt and less devastated - and not to focus on getting at the exact "truth?"

I'm a guy who is usually pretty tenacious about gathering facts when I want to know something. But..my interest now is in trying to move forward. I guess what I see people here saying is that - as much as it might make me feel better to "out" the OM - focusing on the details won't help assure a better future.

AndrewA,

A NC letter is a "no contact" letter. In your case, your wife would send it to her OM (other man), telling him not to have any contact with her anymore. I received one of these from my former girlfriend--this after she sent me confusing, mixed messages wherein she sounded like she wanted to hear from me, but pleaded for me not to respond to her. Weird.

Your stance on not wanting to hear details sounds "normal". It depends on the person. My H didn't want to hear ANY details. Still doesn't. I told him about my A in May, and we still don't talk about it too much. He, too, wanted to immediately concentrate on our marriage and we started therapy. I'm just now looking for my own therapist. Maybe you 2 would want to do that too.

Good luck with everything. Keep on reading and posting. There are many people here who could help.

CC