How much did you want to know of the actual "experience?" I mean...those are awful questions to have to ask. But...they are so damned dogged!!!!

I'm torn right now between wanting to know the details..and not wanting to ever know anything again for the rest of my life.

Also...have any of you ever had that haunted feeling - like the OM or OW is hung like an anchor around your neck or is hovering over your back, pointing and smirking?

I found out on Friday. The weekend, obviously was a lot of anger, a lot of crying, and a lot of trying to figure out what to do next.

Today, I had to go back to work. And as I rode on the train, I felt like everyone was looking at me - and that they all knew what happened.

Has anyone else felt that way?

It is the philosophy of this forum that you should get all the facts with exquisite detail. It will be painful, but in the long run it will be very beneficial. The idea is that your wife should be honest with you at all times and this honesty will be the basis to rebuild the marriage. It is called radical honesty and BTW, you should also practice this with her.

Most WWs do not want to say a word about the facts. They would rather sweep everything under the rug or lie.

The reasons are many: remorse, fear that you may leave if you find out how great the sex was, ect.

Quite often they are involved in something called The Fog and they say things that do not make any sense at all. In this stage the WW appears to unreasonable and may be trying to protect the marriage, but also trying to protect the OM at the same time. DO not attempt to understand this behavior----- no one has been able to decipher it, but it is quite common.

Avoid saying nasty things about the OM. This is easier said than done and I have been guilty of slamming the OM on a regular basis. You will often see behaviors in the OM that suggest he is a low class individual, but it is best if your wife reaches that conclusion without your help.

If your wife is still home do plan A ASAP! If she is inclined to cooperate go for NO CONTACT right away!

So in summary:

Yes, you need to know so you can move on and forget. If you get the story in dribbles the pain will be prolonged for many months or years and you will always have more questions and doubts. It is best to get it all out right away. All men want to know--- you are not alone!

BTW, your facial expression will give away the fact that you are very depressed. My secretary drove me nuts asking what was wrong with me. You will also lose a lot of weight and many in the office may wonder was up with your marriage. I went though that.

As for riding the train:

You will find yourself looking at happy couples and realize that the innocence of your relationship is gone forever. You will be envious of those who look so happy. Then you may see other couples that seem to be distant from each other and wonder who was the unfaithful one.

I was just going to post this same question! I have been wondering just how much I REALLY want to know. I do NOT want to know details about the sex they had. Although I do wonder about it. Did she do different things with him that I've never done? Instead of asking, though, I'm just going to try to "spice up" that aspect of our life, that is, if we ever get to the point of a regular sex life again. I DO want to see her and know what she looks like. I think I need to know if H went complete opposite of me or someone kinda like me. I also think I need to know what places they went, especially public places. Sure don't want to go out to dinner somewhere with H and then find out later it was their favorite place. Although I'm not sure how much they actually went out in public unless it was a work event (they work at the same place, though not necessarily "together." - it's a big company and he doesn't have to have any contact with her there....but of course, after he knows for sure he's staying in the M, I will insist that one of them leave...either he can transfer or get another job....or hoping that it will be so painful for her that she'll just quit....one can hope.) Anyway...I digress...I'm not sure how much else I want to know. I did have it in my head that all his friends knew and she hung out with them and that everyone at work knew, but he insists that NO ONE knew. So that's a good thing. At least there's no humiliation issue there when I see those people. I think if there's anything you wonder about that CONSUMES you, you should ask about. That's my feeling right now. I'm trying to figure out how I can SEE her without anyone knowing.

I just found out my H was having an affair as well. I can certainly understand your feeling and definately relate to it 100%. I have spent the last several weeks just ate up with trying to find out details. How long had it been going on, etc. My H clammed up on me, and told me a few things, that it is someone he worked with. He claims that he never had sex with this person, but....doesn't yet admit it was an "affair." I asked him last night "what exactly would you call it then?" Anyways. I know how you feel, because you know that they talked about you, and your marriage and relationship with the OP. They shared details of what you consider to be your private life and business with a complete stranger to you. I was rather lucky, in the fact that even though my H is not ready to open up. I had his cell phone bills for the last 6 months. I was able to figure out at least her name, and where she lives. That brought me some sense of relief. I don't know how this whole thing is going to turn out yet. But...I knew if my H wasn't going to share but basic information, I didn't want to be in the position of 6 months from now going to a social function and wondering if each woman I was introduced to might be the one. I know it sounds funny, but by knowing her name, I felt like she had no power over me, and at least we were on equal footing. But I can tell you that having the cell phone bills can also be a personally hurtful things. I look back at all the time they spent talking to each other, and also I can find dates on the calendars where his commitment should have been with me and the kids and he was talking to her.

Thanks all for your replies...

Ive gotten more of the deatils..and I'm not sure if I'm really better off now that I know or not. There are still other details that I'd like to know more about. But..the ones I have are already making me uneasy.

Suffering...I'm curious about something in your post: you wondered if he went for someone like your or someone who was the opposite of you, in terms of looks. Would it make it easier if you were to find out that she looks nothing like you?

I've heard some peoeple say that's the case. But..I'm interested in your thoughts.

One thing I would recommend is getting all the details that you need NOW - sooner than later. Yes, it will hurt like h*ll too.

Thing is, if you wait - EVENTUALLY you will have to get that information and that data will bring you back (for awhile) to where you are now while you process it all. This isn't to mention that it brings your WS back too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it was "Torn Asunder" that recommended full disclosure right away for this reason. I hate finding myself wondering about something and having to ask now. It is known half-step backwards for me and our recovery and something I know I have to do.

What level of detail you want is completely up to you. You are entitled to have the information you want though.

Myself, I am somewhere inbetween. I am a big boy and know what happens, but the intricate details and self-comparisons, I could do without - thank you very much.

You hang in there!

I will correct slightly what the others have said. You do not need the details. You need your S's willingness to tell. The willingness to let you decide what is to be told. The willingness to tell despite how difficult it is to the WS. (and to you) This willingness has healing power. This wilingness is the first steps to rebuild trust.

But it is not wise to exploit this willingness to the extreme. Be wise in choosing which doors to open. I would suggest the where, when, what questions and defiantly the whys. But think twice before you insist to get the graphical details of the sex!

God bless!

Andrew A - I guess I'm just curious to know if he went with someone like me or opposite but not sure why or how I would feel about it either way.

Frank,

I think you are right.

We talked a bit about the details last night - at my urging - and it pretty quickly got to the "more than I want to know" stage.

Still, the fact that she was willing to talk about it was a step forward.

Stanley: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is the philosophy of this forum that you should get all the facts with exquisite detail. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While many here advocate that, Dr. Harley does not. I took that approach, and I do not regret it, but I think Frank is right.

Before you ask a question, you should ask "Will getting the answer help us?

John & Frank

though I think your advice is good, is it a recommendation you now make from the advantage of looking back so to speak?

My D Day was 4 months ago and I feel like I want details and my w has been reluctant to give that. I suspect you will be right that further down the track I may wish I had only sought the basic details, but for NOW, I feel I need the details.
I think for most new male BS especially its much the same, not all of course, but most.

I think it helps men in deciding if they want to fight for their M knowing what they actually face.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

Here's some 'been there, done that advice'. Ask the questions YOU feel like you need answered. Those can vary a great deal from person to person. Personally, I was a pitbull when it came to wanting answers and for me my imagination was much worse than the truth. That may not always be the case, so decide if you can handle the answers.

It is true that the sooner the WS is willing to answer the questions, the better it will be in the long run. My H strung me along forever thinking that I couldn't handle the truth. In reality, what I couldn't handle was knowing that the OP knew the answers and I didn't.

This is a very hard time for both of you. It may take a while before your spouse feels safe enough to answer the questions. It's not even that they don't want to tell you, it's often that they are having a hard time accepting what they have actually done.

It's been a long time for me and I have time on my side. I know those of you who are new here, want answers now and for this whole mess to just be finished. Hang in there.

Read all you can. You're doing great being here. Knowing you're not alone helps. I've seen the book, 'Torn Asunder' mentioned. It is a great book! I highly recommend reading it. I've read so many and this was one of the best.

One more thing, about the looks of the OP. Quite often, it has nothing to do with that. Read about EN's. It usually has to do with needs being met that brings on the attraction. Also as far as workplace A's, 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass is another good read.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it a recommendation you now make from the advantage of looking back so to speak?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no - my "is it useful?" question was something I used real-time. Me asking questions was/is really hard on my wife, so I try not to ask much that is just curiosity. If question kept/keeps me up at night, I ask it. The problem is that the answer frequently keeps me up, too, and/or leads to more questions.

My wife very early understood that telling me things that hurt me was one way for her to rebuild my trust in her, because it meant she was no longer "lying to protect my feelings" like she did during the A. It was not any fun for either of us, though, and Harley says you are supposed to spend your most enjoyable time each week doing things together, not your least enjoyable.

There were some questions I had to ask, but eventually I tried to minimize that for both of our sakes.

What do you guys think about this:

My wife and I talked about some of the details of the physical event last evening - we had discussed a few before, also.

She's very uneasy talking about it - which strikes me as the precise point. Looking your spouse in the face and talking about the situation forces you to confront it head on. You can't hide from it.

Anyway, my wife finally told me that she will answer any question I have from now on...but I have to put it in writing and allow her to respond in writing.

Any thoughts?