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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781 |
This is related to what a lot of people here are talking about, I think:
As the cheated-on, do you find yourself constructing a story - even if it doesn't fit the facts precisely - that makes the coping easier?
I'm not talking about the details of the relationship that led up to the affair. Obviously, the marital problems that fueled it HAVE to be dealt with truthfully.
What I am talking about is the actual account of the experience itself.
Let's say, for example, that your H or W had an affair, and the story that he or she told didn't seem quite right.("I drank too much." "He/she came on to me.") You can probably make yourself believe a story like that, even if you suspect that it's not 100 percent true, and it may make you feel better in some way. But, SHOULD you accept it, or should you insist on the truth at all costs?
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166 |
IMO, you should say what doesn't ring true to you, and why - to try to get a clear explanation. It took us a long time to do this,a nd it was quite painful for both, but the understanding of each other gained was worth it, I think.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 291
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 291 |
Hi Andrew,
Interesting question. Like John, I too feel it's important to understand the "dynamics" of the affair. Unfortunately, it appears that WS's prefer to feed us a "watered down" version of the A rather than deal with the truth.
Initially, I believed this to be due to the "fog", but of late am thinking that this may be a "mechanism" by which the WS attempts to distort the truth rather than cast themselves in a bad light (they don't seem to understand that that's already happened).
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383 |
Guys
I think its because we FWW's are afraid of the consequences of what we have done, number one, followed a bit latter by shame.
Then as we find our husbands wanting to keep questioning we smudge it so that it doesn't sound so bad to them, we get almost desperate to preserve the Marriages we have broken.
Then we are caught in our own lies and evasions.
You see we suddenly find out we dont want you to leave us, at least that the way it is for me.
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 608
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 608 |
Andrew, I wouldn't say it makes the coping easier. I mean my W said the OM kissed her and that was all that happened, but then they ended up sharing a bed for the night. I want to believe that all they did was kissed, but just can't be that naieve.
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