Dr. Harley,

I am e-mailing you from my place of employment--I can not focus on anything but my personal life right now. My husband and I have been a couple for 6 years and married for almost 2yrs. We got married when I was 27. We have no children, just a couple of cats. We have always had a roller coaster of a relationship--months would go by where we were getting along fine, and then boom--we would fight, and I would yell and explode at him. I knew I was being hurtful but thought he just didn't understand me and was determined to make him understand me. He has always had the tendency to be somewhat rude and condescending to people, and his patience has always been pretty short. I always made excuses for him--saying it was just work and blah blah blah. I love him very deeply and completely, and recognize fully that I am responsible for the actions I took while we were together--especially the hurtful ones. We started counseling (after years of me asking him to go) last fall. I was working very hard at learning how to communicate effectively in our relationship, but it seemed as if there was no room for me to make a mistake and he didn't really seem very committed, even though he went every week. When we got home--the communication stopped. In July, he asked me to move to my mom's for a while so that he could figure things out. He says that he married me for all of the wrong reasons and that he was never really happy with me, which I have a hard time believing. In August, I was at our house (not my mom's) working on some bills and stuff that I needed to take care of. I stumbled across some receipts from a date he went on that weekend with another woman (since I moved out--we have only seen each other at counseling and 1 date a week and we talked for about 15 min. a day on a good day). I confronted him immediately and he said they were just friends--later I found out it was more. Prior to me finding out about the date and ultimately the emotional and sexual affair he has been having since last November, I was told that I wasn't meeting his sexual needs, and was too reactive and verbally abusive when we would fight. Now I have recognized my faults and have been working very hard through biofeedback and individual counseling to change--and feel very comfortable saying that I am on the right track. My husband even notices the change. We have continued our marriage counseling through yesterday, but he continues to waffle back and forth between me and his lover, but ultimately staying more interested in his relationship with her. I did not move back home after I found out the truth. They talk for hours a day on top of the exchange they have at work (yes, the do work together). He would spend time with me, and then immediately after I left, he would call her and invite her into our house. I actually walked in on them (just talking) at my house this past weekend. Their entire relationship has been a secret for months, and now that it is out in the open, he says he loves her very much and will not leave her. Actually, he says he has tried to 3 times, but could never separate for more than a day and a half. I understand that he is addicted, just like I read in your web-site, but how long will this last? She cheated on her husband last summer with another man, and divorced him right about the time the relationship between my husband and her started. I left him for good yesterday (following the Plan B approach, because plan A was not working), and made a deposit on an apartment. My heart is totally breaking, I have such a desire to be with him, and not talking with him is killing me. How long will it take before he realizes the addiction to her and gives our marriage the chance it deserves? I gave him your web-site address, and he says he has read some of it. He knows he is addicted to her, but doesn't see how that could be a bad thing because he feels so much good from her. I never thought this would happen, and I am so afraid he will never come back to me. Please help.

I appreciate your help.
happy4u2

H42, I'm at work as well. Not much time to write. You've come to the right place though. keep checking in and also post under the General Questions category. trust me, there are plenty of people here in various stages of discovery, recovery, etc. that will be there for you. I'll write more when I can.

Thank you. I was wondering, it seems as if so many of the people on this forum have children. What do you think the chances of re-uniting are if there are no children? I mean I really don't have anything for him to come back to me for other than just myself--which I know should be enough, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

H42, Again, still at work not much time. I think the chances are good or even better. Although it was like taking bitter medicine, I started reading His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) and Surviving an Affair (SAA) within a couple of weeks of D-Day. That has helped me understand the stages my WW would go through after the A had been exposed. i can say that is the only reason we are still together because I took a lot of crap for several weeks, but I understood it wasn't really her if that makes sense. if you are in Plan B it is time to work on yourself. Read and STUDY HNHN and SAA. Learn what you can about yourself, try to understand more about your WH. From what I've read most affairs fail when exposed to the realities of life which is where your WH is now. Bob Pure writes elsewhere here in MB that Plan A is a "hero's gig." I think Plan B is too. You can do it! Work on yourself, keep posting in the General Questions forum and sooner or later the "fog" just might lift from your WH and when it does he may look at you with fresh eyes...and you will need to be ready, forgiving and loving.

My prayers are with you!

Thank you for your support and reply. I am just not sure if I am doing the right thing. How will I continue to show him I am interested in his needs and working on my own issues if we don't see or speak to each other? I have already expressed to him that I know I am responsible for what I did wrong in our relationship--should I write him a letter or something re-stating this?