Short version: I found out a few days ago that my wife had an affair over the summer with her best friend's husband. The sex part was a one-time thing. But...there was an emotional component to this that carried on pretty much until D-Day.

Anyway, last night, I was heading to a meeting at my children's school. The OM's wife was there - she was going to the meeting also. She stopped me in the hallway and started telling me a bunch of stuff and trying to throw doubts on my wife's story.

Here's the tale as told by wife: it was the classic situation of talking to the OM about our marriage. Anyway, she winds up at his house one evening. He asks her to dance..and things go from there.

Anyway, I had told OM's wife about this sotry. Last night, she said it's not true. Her husband had a different take on events. (My wife basically seduced him.) And..when he told her that he loved her - something the other wife admits he DID do - he was "only kidding." SHe also threw in the "this isn't the first time she has cheated on you" story. But she wouldn't elaborate - until I pressed her, and then she told me about some correspondence my wife had with an ex-boyfriend about five years ago (it did NOT grow into an affair), which I already knew about.

I went home and talked to my wife about this. She was angry and said that either the other wife or the OM were lying. She also felt, however, that she basically is getting what she deserved for making what she says is the "worst mistake" of her life. My wife also thought that the other wife might be trying to lure her into a confrontation - which perhaps she needs for HER healing process to be conplete.

Now...I guess my question is this: I have to see the aggreived wife about once per month at these meetings. Should I tell her that I simply don't want to talk to her about this anymore? My wife and I are committed to working on our marriage. I'm at the point now where I want to move ahead - and I don't really want to get caught up in the details anymore of who did what to whom. Really, all that matters is what we learned from this - about our marriage and ourselves - that will make us a stronger couple in the future.

In one sense, this conversation angered me because it seemed like this other spouse was trying to undercut that process. Dropping the "this isn't the first time" without providing any details is a great way to fuel suspicion...and it would do a lot of harm to any recovery, I think.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this, where you see the other spouse on a farily regular basis?

I too just found out my H was having an affair. I feel so many things, anger, sadness and I don't know what to do with all these feelings. We have been married 13 years. We have two beautiful kids. Looking back..our marriage was never easy. Ex spouses, interfering parents, separation due to a job in the military. But...as my H started getting ready for retirement he wanted to go to law school as his second career. I supported him in the decision 100%. It was part time along with his military job, and so there were many long days. But...I thought at the time I was being supportive, by taking care of all the day to day details so that he could be free to devote his attention to school and what I thought was "our" future. The more into school he got, the less time he spent with myself and the kids. I tried to rationalize, I even tried to talk to him about it. He was emotionally distant. Everything and everyone else seemed more important to him. Given a choice between A & B, with B being myself, the kids or both of us. He would always pick A. We went on a vacation, he took his lap top and spent most of the time making excuses to get back to the hotel room, to get back on the lap top. I finally told him that, I would not get in the car with him anymore, if the lap top came along. The lap top was replaced with a beeper. He was always getting beeped and disappearing. Even to the point that he told me he was going to the law school for a couple of hours and was gone past midnight. I was so scared I called the police. He came home, smelling of alchohol and has never been able to give me an explanation for the unaccounted hours. I tried to be supportive of law school, but I felt overwhelmed, and frustrated. In my mind, I felt that's what the supportive wife would do. The more I tried to suck it up and get through it, the more I hated it and hated how I felt about myself. He eventually graduates from law school, and I keep hanging on, thinking things would be better once he graduated. At the time, I thought he'd get a job in the area we lived, and we'd be happy again. He ended up getting a job in another area 3 hours from where we live. Because of the commitments our children already had, we decided jointly that it would be best if he got an apartment up there. I rented him the apartment made all of the arrangements. He started working there Aug 03. He would come home on the weekends. But over time, instead of coming Fri. night it would be Sat. morning, and then he leave just after lunchtime Sun. afternoon. As the school year started to get close, I sold our house myself. We purchased a home in the area where he works. I expected that when we were together again under the same roof, things would be different. But...it seemed like everything I did or said, was an issue, and I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I realize from reading "surviving the affair" that I certainly contributed to where our relationship is now. Even though I did tell him I felt neglected and abandoned, 99% of the time, it was in the heat of anger or frustration, and so he just stopped listening. But once we moved here, I felt he picked on me, for anything and everything. I finally blew up, and said some things that I shouldn't have said, because I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. He started bring up a separation agreement. Even though we were having problems, it just seemed like more was going on. I started going through his e-mail, I found an e-mail from a girl that I had never heard him mention. When I asked him about her, his explanation of his relationship was inconsistant with the contents of the e-mail. I then got ahold of his cell phone. I found all sorts of text messages. I confronted him about it, and he admited that he was having an affair with someone he worked with. I then got his actual cell phone bills, and found out that he had been calling at least 3 woman, for over 6 months. I don't think they even know about each other. Supposed two don't live in the area, but the one at work does. She is also married, but has no kids. Having cell phone records can be devastating. I look back at the calendar, and realized on certain days, when he should have been commited to me, us, our kids, he was calling these woman. In one month, the one he is involved with from work, they talked over 15 hours. I don't think he has talked to me over 15 hours in a year. I feel like I don't know him any longer. He says he never meant to hurt me, and/or that even if I found out, that he thought I didn't care about him. Ain't it funny that we both felt the same way? Come to find out, in March her husband found out and confronted her. Instead of ending it, they just got sneaker. My husband purchased her a cell phone, so that they could call each other. Eventually he gave that same phone to me, with the same cell phone number. It makes me sick to my stomach just to look at it. He says he wants to work it out with me. But...I don't feel it, as he says he felt justified for having all the contact with these woman. In fact, he says it made him a better man, to be able to deal with my crap. I asked him to quit his job, or have her quit her job. But he gave excuses why they can't. He won't tell me anything about her, and I told him, as long as he continues to protect her, that I can not feel that he wants to be committed to me. He swears up and down that there was no sex between him and the girl at work, but I have difficulty believing that. He had motive and opportunity, with an apartment 10 minutes away from his job, and....I found KY jelly in his car. He says, that I should recognize that he has been trying. Which I can't get my hands around. How in the world did he even believe that our relationship could or would be better when he was dealing with all of these other woman? If I had known then what I know now, I would never have moved up here. We took our kids away from friends, and activities that they have known for 8 years. I had a support group there of friends. He says, he has ended all contact with all the woman, well....except the one he works with cause he HAS to see her everyday. But...when I try to talk to him about it, I don't know if he's just being a lawyer, and setting me up, so that he can justify his behavior, well I gave it my best shot, even after she found out. I feel like I have no future right now, and it's tough getting through the hours much less the days.