I'm curious about how some of the rest of you handled the NC Agreement.

What I'm wondering about is if it useful to spell out clear consequences.

For instance, did you say to your spouse, "No Contact means no contact. If there is contact, I will [fill in whatever here.]"

Of course, if you do this kind of thing, you have to be willing to follow through on whatever the consequence is.

Has anyone taken this direct an approach? If so...did it work?

Andrew:

The NC letter is only good if the WW really wants to write it. In my case my wife wrote two NC letters. The problem is that in a few days she was back talking to OM on the phone. The OM guessed that she probably wrote the NC letter at my request and that in reality she still wanted to maintain contact. Most OMs and WWs want to have some contact past D-day because the “want closure”. This is a mistake as it prolongs the withdrawal and creates the possibility of re-starting the affair. SO NC is crucial, but you will find that many WWs will try to go around this at the onset even thou they may agree with you. At this time they are usually in the fog and to be honest they are not likely to be reliable.

Do you think your wife got emotionally hooked to the OM? From your posts it looks like a very short-term fling with only one physical encounter.

As for the letter:

It should not address the OM by name, that is too friendly. The letter is best when it is cold and to the point—such as :

My involvement with you was a huge mistake and I completely regret the fact that I have done this to my husband and family. At this time I have realized I truly love my husband and I do not want to lose my marriage. Please do not try to contact me by phone, email, or any other method of communication.

Sign name

The only statement I made to my wife regarding consequences was that I would divorce her if she restarts the affair. As I said most WWs wil try to talk to OM at some point and viceversa. If this is your threshold--- so be it!

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Stanley,

It was short-term. I don't think she got hooked on the guy, per se. I do think that she was very enamored with the way the relationship felt.

I don't believe she will have any more contact with him. She broke it off officially soon after it was discovered.

She also volunatrily gave me the password to the email account that they used.

So...I think things are all right.

I'm just not sure if I should reiterate what I expect from her, in terms of contact. Or whether I should let the issue lie.

Andrew:

Looks good--- it sounds like your wife did not get in too deep and is willing to cooperate. However, some WWs go crazy-- check out the wife of Scotty from the UK. The affair fog can cause major mental changes. Sounds like you are fine. Can I trade places with you?

Stanley,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I hope you are right about my situation. I pray that you are. I'm sorry htat your experience has been so rocky. Hopefully....better days are ahead.

I think my wife got a huge shock last night: as I posted here earlier, the wife of the OM told me last night that her husband was "just kidding" when he told my wife that he loved her...and he apparently has dumped it all on my wife, making her appear to be quite the seductress.

We had what seemed to me to be a revealing moment: my wife asked how she could have been so wrong - to think that a man who loves her didn't love her, and to think that a man who doesn't love does love her.

Meanwhile, I've realized how much building we have to do.