I posted a bit yesterday about a conversation I'd had with the other spouse.

But I left out part of it that I'd like some perspective on: over and over again, she told me that my wife should have known that her husband -who has cheated on her before - is "weak." In her view, that's why all of this falls on my wife - she took up a man who can't control himself, and the inevitable happened.

What bothers me about this is the idea that this kind of weakness in a spouse is acceptable. I expect strength - not weakness - from my spouse. It's a way of thinking that is alien to me.

Talking to my wife about this, she was puzzled as to why - if he's so weak - her friend had asked her to "check up on him" while she was out of the country AND why, when she did so and sent her a few emails about her visits (before the affair) the other spouse didn't tell her explicitly to stay away from him or that it wasn't necessary to visit him anymore.

All of this makes me very uneasy - not that it really matters anymore, of course. But any thoughts would be appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong> Talking to my wife about this, she was puzzled as to why - if he's so weak - her friend had asked her to "check up on him" while she was out of the country AND why, when she did so and sent her a few emails about her visits (before the affair) the other spouse didn't tell her explicitly to stay away from him or that it wasn't necessary to visit him anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess OM's W thought that "girlfriends stick together no matter what." I think she TRUSTED your wife to not fall if the husband tried anything. I expect she believed that your wife would turn him away if he tried anything and would report it to her.

Just like YOU trusted your wife not to have an affair, so did the OM's W trust your wife not to have an affair with her husband.

Hindsight always being 20-20, I guess OMs W should have had a male friend check up on her H while she was out of the country, and not a female. I'm pretty sure she will in the future.

~ Snow

Andrew,

The shock waves of an affair spread out in all directions and cause everyone involved to look at themselves differently.

The OM's wife may feel some guilt or personal responsibility and may or may not be able to address it. Whether or not she is justified in feeling that way is irrelevant, but it makes sense that she would transfer the guilt of her WS's actions, because it absolves her of any of her own guilt.

I'm not trying to imply that she is responsible for the A between her H and your W or that she could have done anything about it. But when you transfer your guilt or grief to someone else, there is that much less for your to have to deal with within yourself, correct?