My husband told me a couple of days ago that he has been having an affair with my best friend. He is currently in the reserves and will be coming home on Dec 16, he says that he loves my daughter and I more than anything and cares deeply and wants to live with us when he comes home. I asked him if he was still going to have an affair, and he said that as long as he is living with me, he will not sleep with her but will still talk to her. My husband and I have been together for 5 years now and have a 3 year old and my husband and family mean everything to me but I don't know what to do. He said the affair has lasted about a year and a half and my friend just had a baby, and they are unsure of who the father is. I love my husband and want to work this out, but I don't know what to do, I can't have him getting the best of both worlds living with me and yet still having her on the side. I know where I went wrong, he said that she was nice to him and I wasn't there to be nice because we worked opposite shifts. I am more than willing to change and be the wife he wants, but I don't know if that would be enough. Should I take him back and let him live here? I miss him and need to feel him near me and our daughter but I can't be pulled along either. Any suggestions??

Hi Ursa--

I'd suggest to post to General Questions II as well. You'll get more feedback, advice, and encouragement. It's a busier place.

My sympathies to you. I have to say I'm a FWW, and have hurt my H so badly. I would love for him to want me to be home right now...so that's partly where my advice is coming from.

Sounds like he needs to do some changing too...if you both have to make money, how can YOU help working a different shift? Don't go blaming yourself entirely here. Nothing you did wrong makes his actions right. If you want to work things out with him, I'd suggest to let him come home...BUT he should not speak to this OW at this time...now you can tell him that's what you want...but whether he abides by that or not will remain to be seen. There needs to be a paternity test taken ASAP. If the paternity comes back negative for your H, ALL CONTACT with OW must stop. If it comes back +, then I'd visit the other forum that deals with pregnancy as a result of WS's infidelity. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving advice about that...except that even if the baby is your H's...your marriage can still recover.

Read Surviving an Affair too...have your H read it. Also, read the info. on this website in the meantime...it gives the basics...but the book is more thorough.

If you want you M to work and you H does too...it can...it's always gonna be peachy, but at last he's willing and you're willing...that's a GREAT start.

Rae

Thank you.

He said that he won't stop talking to her when he lives here, that he can't do that. I want this to work so badly and now feel though that I have to compete to keep my husband and I don't like this feeling at all. The job where I was working second shift, I actually was laid off a couple of weeks ago and am making a point in my job search to find a first shift job so we will have more time together and a more "normal" family life.

I spoke with H last night and I asked him if he was moving in here to work on our M and he said he didn't know and couldn't answer that right now. He said that he loves me and cares and wants to be here with me no matter what for as long as I need him.

I don't know, it being my best friend is hard too, I don't have her to turn to and don't geel comfortable talking to other friends who don't know my H and I that well about it.

Welcome to MB! My first suggestion is that you read as much as you can on this site. The info you find here will help provide you with the tools you will need to save your M.

The A is NOT your fault!! Yes, you contributed to the condition of your M but you did NOT push your H into an A...it was his choice, his alone. He is responsible for his behaviour, not you. Never let him or anyone else tell you it's your fault because you weren't there for him. You were apart from him too, did you have an A?? No! It's all about the choices we make.

IMHO, your WH continuing contact with the OW is unacceptable. It means the A hasn't ended or it means it is too easy for it to start up again. Do not compromise on this...it's NC or nothing.

Secondly, if the OW (your best friend) is M tell her H. He needs to know so that he can decide how he wants to proceed. Yes, your H will be angry but, dragging an A into the light of day is one of the best ways of ending it! On this site (and from my own experience) it's recommended you tell friends and family what is going on. You have done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to be ashamed of and you may be surprised by all the support you'll get!

Do not communicate with the OW in any way. She is not your friend. A true friend would not do this to you. She has selfishly placed her own interests above everyone elses...say "buh bye" to her.

One of the conditions for your WH to return home is that the two of you go to MC and even IC. It can make all the difference in the world to your M.

I hope this gets you started on your path to recovery. Remember, no matter how this turns out you will be a stronger person at the end of it.

Thank you, MGM.

I haven't talked to the OW since the day I found out and don't ever plan on talking to her again. She did tell her H the same day I was told about the affair and moved out of the house.

I have read through this site for the past few days and am finding it very helpful, I also ordered "Surviving an Affair".

I haven't talked to my H today yet and hopefully will later tonight. I have told him that I don't want him to talk to her at all if he lives here and he just either ignores me or changes the subject. I don't know, I am going to continue telling him so, I want this marriage to work, it means too much to me and to our daughter to have her family.

I have told my family about it, and unfortunatly, I don't have a very close family so they don't really have too much to say. I think that part of the reason my M is so important to me is beacuse we were always close, we just didnt always have the time.

I think I am getting beyond blaming myself for this, I know that I didn't tell him to have an affair to solve our problems, I just feel regret of knowing earlier that he and I had problems and not doing anything about them at that time. I should have and am kind of mad at myself for not doing something about it earlier.

Thank you for your input, it is so nice.