Am I alone in finding that the recovery process is very stop and go?

Over the past week, I thought my wife and I had made really good progress. We've really begun to work on improving our relationship as husband and wife, something that both of lost in our focus on being mom and dad.

But then there are moments like these: last night, I checked her cell phone and found a bunch of odd-looking numbers. I confronted her, and it turned out there was a good explanation.

Still, that momentary lack of trust made we feel awful - and it opened up a door that let in a new torrent of doubt and anger.

My wife is taking all of this very hard. She says she feels very remoreseful and a lot of shame. I don't want her to feel that way, and I recognize that BOTH of us have to heal.

But we are struggling to do that. I can't let go of some of hte questions that haven't been answered (like, why she didn't tell me herself) and she says that she doesn't have answers to those questions.

She says she feels frustrated because of what she did - and the fact that has planted seeds of doubt that could affect our marriage for a long time.

We both want to move on. But how?

I have been reading your post for the past few days and feel that you are in the same position as me . My Wife had a purely physical affair with the guy down the street and we are now getting through the aftermath. The wave of emotions for me has been unbelievable considering that I am a very even keeled person never getting rattled. I have had bouts of anger questioning why me sadness all of the same symptons or emotions that people go through when they loose a loved one. In a religion class in high school the described them as :

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

These are the steps that all go through when dealing with a tough situation.

You will go through them many times on many different small issues surrounding this. Recognize where you are in this process and it will help you get to the next step that is what has helped me.

As many say on this board time and effort is what we need to get through this. Effort is easy we control it...... Time on the other hand is hard.

Keep working.

Oh My first post if you would like to read.

My First Post

Andrew,

You ask, "We both want to move on. But how?" - By having patience...patience with yourself and with WW. The recovery process (for both parties) is both slow and tedious. There will be many "ups and downs".

It is quite normal for WW to "take all of this very hard." An integral part of her healing "process" is dealing with her feelings of remorse and shame. Please recognize that it is absolutely necessary for WW to process these feelings. There is nothing you can do to either avoid or speed this process...except to be both understanding and comforting when she is "hurting."

As you have become painfully aware, trust is gone right now. Again this is normal. Her act of betrayal destroyed that. Whether of not trust ever returns to your marriage depends on her actions and your forgiveness. I would caution one thing though...there is no "could effect our marraige for a long time". The marriage you and she enjoyed is gone! With diligence, patience, and understanding a better marriage can take it's place...but, it takes both parties trying VERY hard.

I wish you and your wife luck.

Thank you both for your replies.

Ron, if I am reading you right...what we are really doing is working on a NEW marriage. I think that's a good way to look at it. We have a chance to forge something better and stronger than what we had before. We both are committed to doing that.

One other question, which I'm not sure I know the answer to yet: how do you know when you've made progress? I mean...I think we have, in a little more than a week. But what is the measuring stick?

Andrew:

A major mistake I’ve done over several months is to hope I will get my old wife back and that the marriage will eventually be the same. Obviously things can never be the same again and to be honest I am not sure that we know how to get there.

My wife is dealing with her remorse and the fact that she has changed the dynamics of the marriage. Unfortunately, she also has to deal with the withdrawal of a long-term relationship and that also gets in the way. At one point she will forgive herself and will be free of any lingering doubts regarding her actions, OM, ect.

As of now life is tough and full of unpleasant triggers for both of us. For example yesterday Myrta was talking to our son who is in the process of getting a divorce and is now dating a nice woman who was betrayed in a prior relationship. This woman asked my son about infidelity and my son firmly stated------- He would never cheat in a marriage, that is the last thing he would do. Of course he is saying all of this to his mom and this triggered a load of remorse in Myrta--------- to the point that I had to console her.