I'd like to know more about what people here believe were the major factors that derailed their marriages - and how they got them, or didn't get them, back on track.

Here's the long-story-short version of our problem:

Basically, our marriage went awry in the bedroom. In very other aspect -respect, companonionship, firendship, things were great. We worked hard to build a good life and give a good start to our three kids.

But...in the bedroom, there was a lot of love-busting that went on. I won't get into how it began but..about three years ago, we started talking a lot about our fantasies during sex. This was fun for a while...but it got out of hand. Instead of being an uplifting and connecting experience, sex became very degarding - particualrly for my wife, who began to grow increasingly wary and weary of the fantasies (such as threesomes and watching her have sex with other men) I would talk about.

I now see that this led to some pretty significant self-esteem issues for her. She wanted me to feel loved..so she would play along. And though we both would say afterward that nothing that was said in bed was what we actually wanted, it began to work on her mind. Specifically, it led her to believe that I didn't love her or care about her. (She says that she honestly thought I would be happy to hear about the affair, since I would be able to get rid of her.)

And because we both pretty repulsed by our sex life, we tended to keep our distance from each other. (I soured on it quickly, also. But it was hard for us to break out of what had become a rut.) That only deepended the separation between us, and it left an unfulfilled emtional need for intimacy which - as I see it now - was filled by her affair.

So, where are we now? We've talked a lot about these issues the last couple of days, and we've made love-banking in love-making an integral part of our marriage recovery plan. We're following the policy of Joint Acceptance and Enthusiasm, and we've established some clear rules on what should - and should not - be talked about.

These changes are already paying dividends: both of us feel that a key component of our marriage has been "re-set." We still have a long way to go working through issues related to the affair...but becoming more intimate was a badly needed change that puts us on a solid foundation for the future.

It was a hard lesson to learn - we should have been more open in talking about these issues and the way that sex was making us feel.

Sorry if this is too personal. My wife read through some of the posts here, and asked me to provide some more details so people would have a better understanding of the situation. I have invited her to post here as well. I hope she will.

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

Andrew:

For the 1st half of my marriage (31 year marriage) we used no fantasy. For the 2nd half we mostly used the one where my wife is a dominatrix and takes charge or the one where she is a nympho and tells me about it in bed.

I think it was quite clear these were fantasies and to be honest I don't think they were a factor. Perhaps they might have been hurtful if we had used them when we were quite young. By the time we used them we were not kids anymore. When we were young it was easy to get into it with no fantasy needed.

The funny thing is that my wife would continued to act the part where she had been sleeping with other men at the time she was having the affair. In other words she would tell me all the details in an erotic fashion but she had actually done it. For example once she told me she had a lot of sex when she went to visit her mother in another state. This was supposed to be the fantasy thing (for me), however for her it was the real deal-------------- she went to visit OM.

Then after D-day we slowly got back into the fantasy and then we were both uncomfortable because in a way fpart of the fantasy was now real. Slowly we got more comfortable and she even described some of the actual sex with OM while we were making love. It was weird, but at the same time it somehow eased some of my pain as I unconsciously transferred many of the painful events into the realm of fantasy.

However, we are trying to get away from that because in the long run it is not healthy. I don’t mind the fantasy, but it must be generic and not THAT SPECIFIC.

I know quite well this is quite bizarre, but it helped me deal with the movies—though I am not cured from that yet.

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Stanley,

In our case, it was a major factor. The more I talk to my wife about this, the more I see how the fantasy got out of hand...and took a major toll on both her self-esteem and her attitude toward me and her marriage.

What started out as fun grew into a major love-buster. Now, we're putting the pieces back to gether.

I was going to post something along these lines too. I have noticed that a lot of the betrayed H's seem to say they neglected their W's emotional needs which eventually led to her straying. Once the affair was recognized the H's were traumetized back to realizing what they had done and feel horrible for the way they treated their W's. I haven't seen too many betrayed W's mention what went wrong in their marriages though.

The major factors that derailed our M? My inability to validate FWS' feelings and not being able to articulate my own. He is a perfectionist and very critical. For awhile I thought he was narcissistic, too.

I tend to be Mars-leaning, so maybe that's why I can identify what I did wrong in the M?

How we got back on track? I followed the advice on this site. I did Plan A for 4 1/2 excruciating months. About 3 months after NC, FWS had a spiritual breakdown of sorts and felt utter remorse.

We've been able to rebuild bit by bit with the help of MB.