I just found out 10/6 my husband had a one night stand (well, two nights) while he was away for two weeks. He did that stupid hotornot.com to hook up with someone. I think the whole planning thing makes me madder than the sex. We had been having problems that neither of us admitted to each other, basically our needs weren't being met, my emotional and his physical. We haved talked so much these last few days it's unbelievable. I feel like everything is going to be ok and we'll be able to work it out because we are being so honest with each other. But is it too soon to feel like things are back to normal, well, better than normal? Am I crazy to feel this way? For a history, we have been married for 15 years and have three children. During our first two years of marriage he had a serious affair that resulted in a child while he was stationed somewhere else. When we were reunited it took a lot of time to work things through. Unfortunately he also started to act like he was single going out a lot and picking up girls. I kicked him out and made him choose. He did choose me and stopped. So it's been at least 10 years since something like this has happened. I thought I would be more upset if it happened again, that I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Am I able to now because I know why he strayed, not that I know how he could do it. I am so conflicted with this. Things seem to be going so well and it scares me that it is happening so fast. We'd been to a seminar that has some of Dr. Harley's teachings told to us so I am very familiar and in hindsight see so much that could of avoided it all. Guess I'd just like another's perspective to my situation. Our counseling doesn't start until 10/15 and I don't want to go down the wrong path in the meantime.

Often there is a short "Honeymoon" peroid when you first find out, then the feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, and so on start to surface.

It usually does take a while to work through, and counseling helps, unless you get a bad counsler.

Where are you right now? What are you thinking about staying with him. What kinds of things is he saying to you about his feelings?

Does he seem sorry?

I can tell you that the information on this web site has helped our marriage, and I believe it works. I recommend you get the book "his needs, her needs." and read that, though a lot of the information is already here for you to read.

Once you understand the information well, I recommend you do a plan for revovery, and for staying in love that includes Dr Harleys four rules for successful recovery.

Rules for successful recovery

Please let us know how things go, we care about you.

SS

Yes, I wondered about having a honeymoon period, but my feelings that things will be ok are mixed with betrayal, hurt, and anger. It's just that this time I understand why we are where we are, not that I condone it. I do have the book His Needs, Her Needs. I started to read it again a few months ago, but stopped after the first two chapters depressed knowing that I knew all this information (even before reading it) but that I couldn't seem to get my husband to understand how I wasn't getting what I needed in order to give him what he needed. I feel partly to blame that I wasn't stronger to tell him how I felt. We've been very honest to each other in our discussions and I can only hope that it continues. I guess that's what I'm afraid of, what happens in a few months or a year when we get busy with our everyday lives again. We have a few other problems contributing to this, his long hours at work (military) and being at a new duty station (overseas at that).

He does seem sorry, and has been very truthful. I have to be careful not to ask the specifics of the event for I am sure he would tell me, but I know I don't need to know all of it. He told me it was purely for the sex, that he didn't think I found him attractive anymore and that was why I didn't want to have sex as frequently or passionately. He's of course vowed it will never happen again and that he'll do anything. He's the one that suggested counseling and that he needed help. I do want to make it work. I've been trying to figure out why I want it without using the kids as an excuse or because we've been married for so long. I just know that he is my best friend and we've had a wonderful life together, I don't want that to end.

Thanks for your insight. It's always so helpful to have a sounding board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />