Most of what I've read here applies to dealing wtih 'traditional' affairs. Wife's needs not met by husband -- wife meets man who 'really listens' -- wife has sex with OM.

Our case is different. My wife of 16 years has engaged in a series of one night stands. They started about 2 years ago when she was on a skiing trip with her friends. She met a man there and they talked all night long, holding hands by the fire.

Last fall, she met a man while having a glass of wine to wait out the traffic. After a few hours of conversation, she lead him down to the beach and had sex on the sand.

This summer, our niece was visiting from out of town. My wife took her to the beach for the day. While there, they joined a group of young men playing volleyball. My 40+ wife was flattered that these young muscular men were showing an interest in her. Flirting lead to kissing. Kissing lead to my wife 'servicing' a 19 year old marine right there on the beach. She acknowledges that it might have done further had she not undergone a gynecological procedure days before. Full intercourse was not an option available to them. Our niece was there, and now I fear she may one day tell our teenage daughter what her mother did, damaging her in the process.

Shortly after her fling with the marine boy, my wife discovered internet personals, and had a series of Cybersex events over a period of 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure how many men she actually connected with, but she svenned over 2000 personal ads, and sought further information from more than 300 of them. The converstations she did have included small talk, sex talk, virtual sex, and webcam sex. She did have a date with one man nearby, but claims they just had a drink -- nothing more. There were also vague plans to hook up with one man in europe next year, when she plans to visit family there. It culminated in her making specific plans to meet up with another man from Boston at a resort in another town near here for, and I'm quoting here, "a weekend of wild sex".

One day recently, she wasn't home when I got back from work. She stayed out all night. It turns out she had gone to a local motel, 'to think'. While there, she spotted a man that struck her fancy -- the desk clerk -- and decided to have sex with him. He couldn't leave the desk, but he promised to try to get away if he could. Later, she saw him taking a cigarette break outside, so she want down to fetch him. He was talking to a friend. He still couldn't leave the desk, so my wife turned to his friend and offered herself to him. She took him to her room and had sex with him. Later, after talking to his lucky friend, the desk clerk decided it was worth his while to leave the deak, so he went to her room to take his turn at her. She eagerly obliged.

That was 3 weeks ago.

She felt great remorse, and also fear of her own actions, and the rapid escalation of her promiscuity. I had known she was cheating for many years, but my evidence was circumstantial. When the internet sex started, I had hard evidence, but I was waiting to see how far she would carry things. When I saw how her own actions were tearing her apart, I thought it best to let her know that I knew she was cheating, and encourage her to 'come clean', which she did.

Two things surprised me. First, since I'd already reconciled myself to the fact that she was cheating on me, I thought I would be ok. But hearing her confess her wrongdoings brought everything I had been feeling the preceding years to the surface. I feel pain, anger, sadness, shame and a dozen other emotions I thought I had already dealt with. I was wrong.

The other thing that struck me was the revulsion I had for the way she disrespected her body, and our marriage. We have had our share of ups and downs, and had been working to make things better. Still, I could understand her having an affair. If I wasn't meeting her emotional needs properly, and she met someone that 'really listened' to her, gave her his undivided attention, and did all the things I know men do to seduce wives in weak marriages, I could understand. What I don't understand is how the lvoe of my life and mother of my child could change into a common street slut, and give herself freely to whoever happens to be standing around.

Still, I must deal with my lot life, so I press on. We've been trying to apply the principles of the MB program, and are obviously in the early stages. My wife is still not finished reading the book on surviving an affair.

All of the reading I've done about recovering from an affair begins with step 1 - the WS must stop seeing the OM. This I understand, but how does that apply in our case? The OM isn't a single person we can arrange our lives to avoid. He is any and every man within her reach. And since she has shown she can act on her impusles without any prelude whatsoever (the desk clerk's friend), how can she meet step 1 short of checking in to a nunnery?

For example, after the night she gave herself to two complete strangers, she decided it was time to address her drinking problem. We enrolled her in a substance abuse recovery program. The program includes sharing your trials and tribulations with group members, talking things out, 'listening' to each other's issues, and giving your 'undivided attention' to fellow group members. Are your warning bell jangling too?

Sure enough, one day when I called my wife during a scheduled recreational period, another woman answered her cell phone. She told me what my wife was wasn't there. She had gone for a walk in the woods with one of the other group members -- a man.

Later my wife assured me that 'nothing happened', that this man was gay, and that I was being silly to even question her. Eventually I managed to get her to understand that my position against having her take private time alone with other men right now was not an unreasonable one. She is a beautiful woman, and has always attracted other men. She turns heads everywhere she goes. Until recently, that hasn't been a problem, as she remained faithful. But now, I believe the risk of a recurrence is very high.

She told me that while leaving her recovery group one night, one of the men flirted with her and suggested they should, "go out sometime". She says she said no. After all of her lies, I don't know what to believe.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. My question is this: How do we separate my wife from the OM, when the OM is a series of one-night-stands that can now happen without a several hour 'getting to know you' period. I have to go to work. She has to attend her alcoholism recovery program, go to AA meetings, run errands and drive our daughter to school and other events. So how can I feel confident that she's not with the OM when he's all around her, all the time, waiting for a moment of weakness in her resolve.

Is this sexual addiction? Do we recover from it the same way as with other affairs? Please help. I don't know what to do.

wow Ironman
you do have a real problem.

ok first the MB principles can & do get altered to suit the situation. So OM no contact is not relevant is it?

Firstly you really need to assess where you are in this situation and if you wish to continue the M at all. Thats a big one and you probably need more info yet to really decide that.

I will assume you are at least leaning towards trying to save your M at this time.

Your wife needs some serious professional help is the first thing I'd say. It does sound like a deep seated emotional/behavioural issue. Could an addiction be at the bottom of this???

At the same time YOU and your w need to get checked for STD's - blunt but I think very very important. This alone may decide for you what you are going to do from here.

I'm sorry to say but I do suspect you will need to assume your w may not have been faithfull for many years in your M. It seems to me unless there was some kind of major emotional event in the last few years this behaviour just doesn't
'appear' out of nowhere. Its more likely to be behaviour that has got worse over time. Be prepared to learn this.

Again the information you obtain will certainly be another point where you will need to evaluate what you want to do as far as M recovery goes.

I think you need the basic facts here FIRST before you can know what you wish to do & how you can do it. Your wifes behavior is getting more risky to me and disaster is just waiting to happen around the corner.

Once you have the facts, horrible as they may be for you, then I really do suggest you get single/joint professional advice in addition to any MC. Maybe Steve Harley on this site is the person you should approach to work out a MC plan if you decide to try & rebuild this M.

If you have a lot of the facts then pls provide what you think is relevant and this will help many to provide some advice or suggestions from that point.

I wish you the strength to get through this tough time.

Aussie2, thanks for the reply.

As for the, ‘no contact with OM’ being irrelevant, that's part of what I was asking. I was hoping to learn how to apply the MB principles in this kind of situation.

As you surmised, I am indeed leaning towards saving the M. As for STD testing, our blood was drawn yesterday and we’re awaiting the results. I realize the odds are that she picked up something – there was no protection of any kind used in any of the incidents. So my commitment to save the M is based on the assumption that she has contracted something. The test results won't change my commitment.

As you say, it's possible she has been unfaithful beyond the incidents I've described. I assume she has. Again, learning about more incidents won’t change my commitment.

So I guess I'm unclear on what you mean by, "...once you have the basic facts...". I believe I have them:

a) My wife has engaged in sexual relations with a number of men (4 or more) over a period of 2 years (or more).
b) The incidents have progressed from the more innocent (hand holding) to the more debauched (two partners chosen at random in the same evening). The last even hadn’t even the pretense of romance. There was no conversation and flirting, as with prior events. She just made a direct request for sex). It’s this rapid progression that lead me to the potentially label her behavior as sexual addiction.
c) She may have introduced STDs into the family -- I assume she has.
d) She is extremely remorseful, and wants to stop.

What more facts are required to proceed?

My main concern is how to handle this, when what I’ve learned in MB addresses other types of affairs. I don’t want to apply techniques that are known to be unsuitable for our situation.

Further, I was hoping for someone with more experience to venture an opinion as to whether my wife’s behavior fits the definition of sexual addiction. She has a personality that is prone to addiction. She has tried to quit smoking, and indeed told me she had before we were married. But while she stopped for some years, never completely gave it up. She has also tried, unsuccessfully so far, to fight a drinking problem. Since she couldn’t beat those addictions on her own, and if her sexual behavior is also an addiction, the prognosis for success is grim. I realize that.

We have the name of addiction counselor that she obtained from the alcoholism program she’s enrolled in now. So we should have a professional opinion soon. I was just hoping to gain insight from MB patrons in an effort to gather as much information as possible, as soon as possible.

-Ironman

Ironman- you may want to post this over on GQ II.
There is a lot more traffic on that message board, and I can think of at least one FWW who has a similar issue- although I know she is still working on coping with it herself.

To diagnose a clinical sexual addiction your wife would need to be seen by a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in SA. However, that being said, there's no reason you can't treat it as an addiction and take the same precautions. If I was working with you as a couple or individually I would call it an addiction although I can't diagnose it as such.

It is very difficult when the OP is a series of people and only sex rather than an attachment to any one person. It makes the entire opposite sex appear threatening. Pretty rotten place to be.

Some things you need to know, and I'm sorry but they're really not great to hear.

First, sexual addiction, like all addictions, is progressive and fatal if left on its own.

Second, sexual addiction, like all addictions, is cunning and deceptive, and will do anything to stay alive. This includes lying so brilliantly that you won't be able to detect it and agreeing to anything you suggest just to get you to back off.

You will need to take extreme precautions and your lifestyle will need to change drastically if you are to work through this and heal your marriage. The process of making those kinds of changes is generally hellish (been there) and very painful. The benefits if you do it however are well worth the effort.

Probably one of the best sites for basic information is Patrick Carnes' site www.sexhelp.com If you don't know who Carnes is, you will. He is the pioneer of sexual addiction as a recognized disease. His work was and continues to be groundbreaking in that field. When I work with someone with a sexual addiction the ONLY therapist I will refer him or her to is someone trained by Carnes. Sexual addiction is still greatly misunderstood, underdiagnosed, and avoided in the mainstream therapy community - don't make the mistake of jeopardizing your marriage by going to someone who may not know what they're doing. If at some point you'd like to find a Carnes trained therapist in your area let me know - I'd be happy to call them for you and get that information.

Another site that's good, and I'm a professional member of this organization is The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity - http://www.ncsac.org/addicts/addicts_index.aspx


Here's a link to SAA meetings by city and state - your wife should be in a group and I would suggest a women's only group - http://www.sexaa.org/meetings.htm

You might also check out the Sexual Recovery Institute - I don't know much about them but the very little bit I've read looks pretty good. http://www.sexualrecovery.com/

Let me know if you have other questions that I can help you with. It's a difficult road but it can be done.

C

Oh, and yes, MB principles apply but NOT the idea of Plan A to entice a spouse back. Not appropriate, not helpful, and will make things worse. Plan A as a negotiating and intervention tool, possibly, depending on where you are in the process. Absolutely necessary are the conditions of recovery - ironclad POJA (we can talk about that), radically Radical Honesty, Accountability that will feel like being a jailer, and some other pretty stiff precautions. (I did mention this won't be fun, right?)

Feel free to email me if you post and I don't respond right away penny.tupy@symcinc.com I don't always remember to check here, but I will do my best to keep it on the front burner. I'm out this afternoon but otherwise I'm pretty much connected to my computer a good 10 hours a day. It's a glamourous life, what can I say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Uhmmm.... and yes I have pretty extensive experience both personal and professionally.

C

While you can't make selfish demands [a love buster] you can certainly convey to her that if she is truly committed to addressing the issue of her sexual promiscuity [which could kill her if she contracts an STD like HIV] then she must get into counseling and stop all activities that encourage her to have contact with other men. But make it clear to her that it is HER CHOICE and no one else's.

Ironman

Please listen to cerri, she has a lot of experience in this area and also provides good solid advice.

Unfortunately I don’t think anyone can give you a 'quick' evaluation other an opinion based on the surface data you provided.

If I had to give an opinion - remember we are not medical/psychology experts - it would be yes your wife’s actions seem to fit the behaviour of someone with a sexual addiction.
However, that said, the addiction may not just be a sexual addiction but other issues and its being expressed sexually.

As said before you really need for her to agree to attend a medical clinic for assessment and treatment. But she has to choose to do this.

I feel your frustration, concern and obvious love for your W coming through the posting but there is little that can be done until your wife agrees to seek treatment.
Sorry if I was not clear but that’s what I meant by 'basic facts' - what is the issue here, sexual addiction or a underlying illness or behavioural problem. That should not be diagnosed by anyone but a professional medical practioner.

However until that happens, cerri is right, you can still treat it as an sexual addiction until professional advice can help the both of you.
For this advice pls email cerri she has extensive experience and is very helpful.

If you need to vent etc we here will try to help as much as possible.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

Thanks for the responses.

When I suggested SA was a possibility, she took it pretty hard. She just went through accepting her alcoholism, which was tough. So adding this new possibility wasn't pleasant for her to consider. She is, however, willing to be evaluated.

We are both willing to undergo whatever 'hellish' lifestyle changes are necessary.

I will explore the resources Cerri listed. It's a concern to learn that SA is not a univerally accepted condition, though. I'm afraid going to an SA expert to be evaluated would automatically lead to a diagnosis of SA, if only to prove the validity of their position. I tend to lean towards 'hard' science.

Cerri's point about avoiding all contact with men is a tough one. As I mentioned, she's being treated for alcoholism in a hospital program as an out patient. But it's in a mixed group, and she's already been hit on my one of them, and spent time alone with another. Pulling her out of the program would halt her alcoholism recovery, which I'm am obviously loath to do.

Also, all of the SAA meetings I saw in our area are for mixed groups -- no women-only meetings, as Cerri suggested, unfortunately.

Well, off to do more work on this. I'll be back if there's something else I need help with.

Thanks again.

We are both willing to undergo whatever 'hellish' lifestyle changes are necessary.

Mmmmmm..... yesssss...... hold that thought, you're going to need it.

I'm afraid going to an SA expert to be evaluated would automatically lead to a diagnosis of SA, if only to prove the validity of their position. I tend to lean towards 'hard' science.

Well, there's really no hard science in a field that is based on subjective information - that gathered from the patient and family followed by observations of the clinician. However, my experience has been that they err on the side of not diagnosing SA. I've had clients that I KNOW are addicts whose therapists (trained by Carnes) have said may or may not be.

Cerri's point about avoiding all contact with men is a tough one. As I mentioned, she's being treated for alcoholism in a hospital program as an out patient. But it's in a mixed group, and she's already been hit on my one of them, and spent time alone with another. Pulling her out of the program would halt her alcoholism recovery, which I'm am obviously loath to do.

Uh huh - re-read the need to hold that thought about being willing to make whatever hellish changes are necessary. I would also (strongly) suggest a 12 step group for the alcoholism - also women only if at all possible.

Until you have a good handle on the SA and she has both external and internal boundaries and precautions in place it is not safe for her to interact with other men in any way more than casual contact. Read: The cashier at the grocery store may possibly be safe if you are there with her.

Also, all of the SAA meetings I saw in our area are for mixed groups -- no women-only meetings, as Cerri suggested, unfortunately.

Yeah, this is a tough one. SA in women is just now being recognized and addressed. It is drastically on the rise thanks mostly to the availability of the internet. If you haven't yet perused Carnes' online bookstore you will want to consider getting In the Shadows of the Net - Breaking Free of Online Sexual Compulsivity. Excellent book.

Stay in touch - I have a whole list of really depressing bookmarks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

Ironman - I truly believe that my WH is also a SA/serial cheat/predator.

I have one ? for you - if you don't mind...

Did/Does your WW want "you" sexually?

I ask this becoz my WH does not want me..in that way. I'm trying to figure out if it's truly a SA or if it's that I'm the wife/his mother figure and he doesn't want SF from me. THe OP's are needed for SF.

I hope that your WW is truly remoreful and wants to heal- my WH will not admit to a problem, a couple of times he was remoreful but it never lasted. He will not seek IC or MC. I truy think he's happy with his lifestyle, I hope your WW is not in the same sinking ship.

Others have posted that eventually it will catch up with them - so far my WH has been lucky. I can't understand why God would put us thru this, for this long. I pray everyday that a 2x4 or a bolt of lightening hits him..so far..nothing.

Keep us posted on your/her progress - I don't think Plan A works for the SA either - I tried it and he became more blatant, thinking that I accepted his behaviour.

ITHURTS - If I could ask - what have you done to address his destructive behavior and to protect your marriage?

C

Ithurts,

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering too. As your handle says so directly, it hurts.

To answer your question about her wanting me sexually, I'd have to say, 'sometimes'. The frequency of our marital sexual activity has varied widely. For a while I kept a log, and saw that the frequency ranged from several-times-a-day, all the way to nothing-for-months.

Sometimes, she appeared fully engaged. Other times, it was clear that she wasn't truly with me. Her body was mine, but her thoughts were with someone else. Those times were tough. But I would rationalize that giving her physical pleasure while she fantasized about someone else was better than rejecting her, and having her seek SF elsewhere. I continued to believe I could win her heart back someday.

As for 2x4's and lightning bolts, there you and I differ. Despite all the pain, I don't wish her ill. Clearly A's don't just happen. She and I share the blame for not finding ways to correct what problems we had in our marriage before she strayed. From my perspective, we had 'normal' differences and squabbles - nothing remotely severe enough to lead to infidelity. But from her perspective, it must have appeared otherwise. I blame myself for not reaching this insight sooner.

To be clear, I don't accept the blame for her actions. Each of us chooses our own path through life, and she is responsible for the choices she made. She owns what she has done. Still, had I been more sensitive to her needs, and worked harder to fulfill them adequately, I might have made marital fideltiy the more attractive path.

Through it all, I remind myself that, she is the woman I chose, the woman I love, and the mother of my child. When my thoughts grow dark, I remind myself of this, and of the vows I made to cherish her in sickness and in health. I take comfort in honoring my commitment.

.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Cherri - To address his (self) distructive behaviour I have exposed his A's to family, friends, OP and OPS. All to no avail..he does not like that I have exposed him for who he really is - but, he puts up his wall of "I don't care". Basically, he doesn't care about ANYTHING...He does not care who or what he loses and he has alot to lose financially.

As for protecting my M - what M???? This man is so far gone that there is nothing I can do anymore. I am now protecting myself against the hurt/pain that he causes me. i have shut the door on him - I do not speak to him, I refuse to play the "wife" any longer. He has used me and enough is enough. We still live in the same house, work at the same business (that we own) but that's it. He has been in another BD for 5 months now - I will not sleep w/a man that is sleeping w/OP.

I've tried every angle with him and nothing hits him hard enough to wake him up that using OP for sex, attention, etc. isn't morally correct. it is wrong to persue another man's wife..and to steal from the husband and children.

This situation (my knowing of his infidelities) has been going on for over a year with NO END in sight. He jumps from 1 OP to the next. My story is a long one. IMHO he has some major mind issues that he refuses to adddress and I cannot "fix him". I can't do it for him - and he's to stubborn to try.

I am existing - until he causes me enough pain that I grow to hate him and I muster the strength to file for a D.

He will never change - he's been chasing W, especially MW for years it's all he knows. I truly believe he lacks a conscience and emotions. He has told me that he doesn't "feel" - how could he and treat others so poorly - but put on a show to outsides that he's the perfect provider, father, husband, businessman. It's scary how deceiptive he can be and that he sets out to fill his needs only.

Ironman - Sorry - but with a SA I don't think anyone can ever fill all their needs. You may be accepting too much of the blame here. Yes, both partners need to accept blame - but, from your original post sounds like she went way overboard in having her needs filled.

Did she ever come to you and express her "issues" in the M? My WH didn't - he just set out to make himself happy.

Sex is important to many of us - but, at what cost to ourselves and others around us??

These addicts have to be in some sort of self-destruct mode and we need to duck...Yes, I too M for sickness and in health - but when someone doesn't want to get well - it's tough. I've tried and it sounds like you are too I wish you more success than I have had.

I do wish my husband a 2x4 - because of the pain he has put me thru - he needs to feel that pain so he can understand. He needs to feel the pain he has inflicted on the OP - when he uses them - then tosses them like trash. He is a definate TAKER - and only him crashing severly may wake him up.
I too still honor some of my commitments to him - though he honors none that he made to me. I don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

Sorry - that I sound so cold and calloused today - could it be because I just hung up with 1 of the OPH??? Telling me my WH told his w - that my WH doesn't care about me, that if it wasn't for the money he would "dump" me..nice guy I choose to "share a lifetime with"....and commit to..

Did she ever come to you and express her "issues" in the M?

Yes, she did. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to articulate what she needed. I got a lot of, "you just don't understand me", and, "you don't listen to me". We visited a couple of MCs, who seemed more interested in continuing their income stream than helping us communicate. I've since learned (on my own) that my wife probably meant what MB refers to as disrespectful judgements.

These addicts have to be in some sort of self-destruct mode and we need to duck...Yes, I too M for sickness and in health - but when someone doesn't want to get well - it's tough. I've tried and it sounds like you are too I wish you more success than I have had.

I don't want to duck. I want to protect her somehow. Keep her from self destructing.

I too still honor some of my commitments to him - though he honors none that he made to me. I don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

You're right. Nobody deserves to be treated with such disrespect. I hope for your sake he will come to see that.

Ironman, your wife is a very lucky woman and you are a amazingly strong guy.

ok, so i chickened out and deleted this earlier, i'll try again...

sadfww said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can think of at least one FWW who has a similar issue- although I know she is still working on coping with it herself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm sure she was referring to me. i am not sure if i am really an SA or not. i do know my behaviour for 3 1/2 yrs (including internet acting out) would suggest i am.

cerri, early on, before i went from the internet/cyber (which started in april
of 2000)world into real life experiences (july 2001 - nov 2003) i heard of the book you refer to, in the shadows of the net, as i searched for help (inbetween acting out), i knew i was falling apart. but it was too shameful to face SA might be my problem and i didn't get the book and everything just kept progressing. so much was happening leading up to april of 2000 when i first went into a chat room. then i really fell apart.

H only knows of the main OM i was with. he does not (yet) know everything.

i'm in IC right now and we are just bearly starting to get to discuss this aspect (i just recently, last wed, completely openned up to my IC).

i don't know if i was an SA or not. ok, that is not true, i do know i was addicted to the behavior.

i'm not 100% sure why i am posting here at all, seems like i have a question of some sort but i can't get it out.

i don't want to be an SA. i want to be healthy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ironman:
<strong> Ithurts,

Clearly A's don't just happen. She and I share the blame for not finding ways to correct what problems we had in our marriage before she strayed. From my perspective, we had 'normal' differences and squabbles - nothing remotely severe enough to lead to infidelity. But from her perspective, it must have appeared otherwise. I blame myself for not reaching this insight sooner.

-------- Still, had I been more sensitive to her needs, and worked harder to fulfill them adequately, I might have made marital fideltiy the more attractive path.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know - that might be true in garden variety affairs (and even then not all that often), but when it's a SA it's really not the case. That doesn't mean you don't need to address the issues in the marriage - you do. But I suspect that given what seems to be an addictive personality with a hx of acting out once she found sex as a substance the momentum to go where she did was very strong. An addiction and the subsequent acting out is not about you - what you did or did not do - it's about seeking to fill an empty place inside. Alcohol, drugs, sex, spending, gambling, religion, work - the substance changes but the underlying dynamics do not. You could have been the ideal husband with 0 Lbers and rating a 10 at meeting all her needs and it wouldn't have made a difference.

C

FinallyLearning - you sweet brave thing! Ok, first let me tell you that I know a whole bunch of sex addicts and they are my favorite people on the planet. They are not evil malicious perverts. They are people with a disease. They love, laugh, cry, hurt, and feel joy just like the rest of us.

When Bill W first began his work with alcoholism there was similar perception of alcoholics as weak, uncaring, individuals who just weren't morally good enough. Now, we know that's not the case and have even isolated the gene that contributes to alcoholism for some people.

Sexual addiction is only newly recognized as an illness. And because it's sex and we have all these weird taboos combined with over sexualization of everything it makes it that much more difficult to face in oneself or one's partner than other addictions.

As I said in my workshop about pornography at the Smart Marriages conference - if I stand at the front of the room and tell everyone that I have a food problem and that I eat M&M's compulsively you all think it's funny. But if I were to say that I obsessively seek other men online to have sex with everyone would suddenly become very engrossed in their fingernails. Sex is a sensitive issue. It's scary.

But it doesn't make sex addicts worse people. In more danger - possibly. All addictions are progressive and eventually fatal if not addressed.

I hope that helps. If you can find that question lurking somewhere in the back of your brain I'd be happy to see if I can help.

Hugs,

C

ITHURTS - I am so sorry. All addicts are not like that. So what would happen if you kicked him out, filed for a legal sep and forced him to either sell the business or pay you hefty c/s and s/m? Can you get a job elsewhere?

C