ironman, i don't mean to highjack your thread, sorry about that!! so here is my story, in case it helps you at all.

in my case, i believe our marriage was very vunderable due to years of unfullfilled needs (going both ways really, although of course at the time i only focused on MY needs that were not being met) there are so many details about what was going on, but i will try to keep this short.

the bottom line is, i needed something to deaden the pain, but i'm not much of a drinker, nor do i want to do drugs, but i was very lonley and hurting, and one night i go into a chat room and that escape from my lonlieness was better than alcohol or any drug. i became addicted. but it got to a point where online was not enough and i crossed into real life experiences. mine was not a "traditional" A either

my actions scare me too, i have put myself into VERY dangerous situations. i am very lucky to have not gotten any STD (good luck with that by the way) or to have gotten seriously hurt by one of the people i choose to meet.

i'm still trying to work this all out and my H does not understand the entire scenerio, he knew i was cybering a long time ago, told me to stop, figured i did, didn't follow up to make sure, then i confessed to the A that occured with the main OM but he does not realize how many other things occured.

i don't know if i can be of any help. confessing helped emensly but there are times when i still want to escape and act out again. and it scares me and i don't want to be like that anymore. I do have hope right now, opening up to people here has helped me to open up completely to IC. this is all very recent stuff happening for me.

anyway, don't know if i can help you at all, but i thought i would respond to your post.

(cerri, i will start a new topic for my question).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:

- if I stand at the front of the room and tell everyone that I have a food problem and that I eat M&M's compulsively you all think it's funny. But if I were to say that I obsessively seek other men online to have sex with everyone would suddenly become very engrossed in their fingernails. Sex is a sensitive issue. It's scary.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never had to tell anyone they have a fatal STD from their partner's addiction to eating M&Ms.

I have had to tell someone they have a fatal STD from their partner's sexual activities.

Sexual addiction can be very dangerous, and unfortunately, contageous to the partner who does not know they are being exposed to really ugly consequences.

Pep

Anorexia, bullimia, and binge eating are all fatal if left unchecked. Karen Carpenter is probably the most remembered famous fatality. I had a fitness student years ago who bounced between bullimia and anorexia. The last time I saw her she was skeletal with the fine hair all over her face (and I would expect the rest of her body) that grows in order to preserve body heat when these victims are in the extreme stage of the disease. I haven't been able to contact her in years, I suspect that she too is dead.

Interesting note - she participated in the clinical trials of prozac and claimed she could tell when she was on the real thing or the placebo.

The belief that a food addiction is somehow not as dangerous just highlights our cultural perception that sex is somehow different from other addictions.

Edited to add - but you're right, food addictions generally don't kill other members of the family. Drug and alcohol addictions can and do. The point I'm trying to make is that we can laugh about a food addiction and take in stride the things that need to be done to help the victim and the family. Sexual addiction is so rife with shame for everyone (victim, family, professionals...) that most of us don't want to talk about it.

C

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

Ironman - I think when it's a SA issue - one person meeting the SN or EN just isn't enough.

Just like 1 drink, 1 M&M, 1 new dress, the stakes have to go higher. The risk more intense..that's probably why my WH decided to have A's with employees and many OP rather than just 1.

I was at the point where I wanted to "protect" my WH from self destructing too - he would not only lose me - he'd lose the respect of family/friends/employees etc. he would lose financially, he could contact a STD, he could have the snot beat out of him by a BS, someone could hurt me--the list goes on - and I wanted to protect myself from his evil ways too. But, I've found that I can't do it..NOTHING WORKS...He must go to theraphy and try - but, he won't..I can't try to "save" him fro himself anymore. It's a battle that cannot be won. I hope you do not get to this same point in your M.

Sometimes you have to be tough and let them stand on their own and screw up till it hurts - even though we may not truly want them to hurt - it may be the only way for them to heal. I have to get the book "tough love" it probably deals with this issue of letting them go.

I agree with Cherri about the "empty place" - I believe my WH is very empty inside - how can a SA not be - every relationship they have is based on lies and deceipt. Whether they are M or S they are lying to themselves or others to get the end result - SEX and a quick fix of "feelings". Then they crash again - till the next time. They don't see that each "fix" leads to depression (at least in my WH case) he's high 1 day - low the next..it's a cycle..they cannot break by themselves. By not being choosy on who their partner is - is more proof that it has little to do with their spouse.

Cherri: I have asked my WH to leave - he refuses - says if I'm not happy I should leave. My attorney does not recommend my leaving.

My WH told me (when I recently caught him with a W he had an A w/b-4 he met me) he said "he was never going to leave me and she was never going to leave Sam"..Boy, was that supposed to make me feel better..NOT...

Cherri - Legal separations really aren't filed in my state - and since we do not have children together the courts would say File for a Divorce..get it over with..

I could file for a D - but, unfortunately, I still love this man and I just can't walk out that door...I keep praying this will go away - that he will seek help..But, like in my prior post - maybe I'll just wake up 1 day and decide that enough is enough - I don't love him anymore - and FILE..Yes, I have insecurity issues -I've never lived alone, and the unknown scares me.

Why should I look for another job...I have a job - in my mind it isn't fair that my lifestyle should change so dramatically because of him. For now - I'll just shut him out and work on getting myself together and being the best person I can be w or w/o him..

Financially, I would probably be fine since I'd fight for every dime and then some. But again, I'm not ready to walk yet...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong> But, I've found that I can't do it..NOTHING WORKS...He must go to theraphy and try - but, he won't..I can't try to "save" him fro himself anymore. It's a battle that cannot be won. I hope you do not get to this same point in your M.

Sometimes you have to be tough and let them stand on their own and screw up till it hurts - even though we may not truly want them to hurt - it may be the only way for them to heal. I have to get the book "tough love" it probably deals with this issue of letting them go. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is doing what you're doing making him stand on his own and screw up til it hurts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
Cherri: I have asked my WH to leave - he refuses - says if I'm not happy I should leave. My attorney does not recommend my leaving. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
I could file for a D - but, unfortunately, I still love this man and I just can't walk out that door...I keep praying this will go away - that he will seek help..But, like in my prior post - maybe I'll just wake up 1 day and decide that enough is enough - I don't love him anymore - and FILE..Yes, I have insecurity issues -I've never lived alone, and the unknown scares me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go back and read what the quotes above.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
Why should I look for another job...I have a job - in my mind it isn't fair that my lifestyle should change so dramatically because of him. For now - I'll just shut him out and work on getting myself together and being the best person I can be w or w/o him..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right- it isn't fair. Nothing about an A is fair. But, this isn't about fair- it is about what do you need to do to heal/recover YOURSELF. You have boxed yourself into a marriage where your husband won't have sex with you- and essentially runs his own life. How does that make you feel?

You are cheating yourself out of a happy life, ITHURTS. All of us are only on this planet for a limited amount of time. Just for the sake of an example, think about how you would feel if you found out tomorrow that you only had 24 hours to live. How would you feel about the last years that you have spent with this man?

I'm all for trying to save a marriage- and for working on rebuilding. I just can't see that your efforts are getting you anywhere.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
Financially, I would probably be fine since I'd fight for every dime and then some. But again, I'm not ready to walk yet... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why?

Sadfww (I am one, too, you know) I like your style. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My sig line on my boards says "Marriage and fair rarely cross paths."

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong> Sadfww (I am one, too, you know) I like your style. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My sig line on my boards says "Marriage and fair rarely cross paths."

C </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like yours too Cerri...

A friend of mine once told me that "Fair" was a four-letter word. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> In this context I definitely agree with it.

Ironman, are you still reading?? hows it going?

Yes, I'm still here. But there's not much new to report, so I've been quiet.

I read your other thread, and it sounds familiar. My wife also doesn't want to beleive the SA thing, but can't really explain her bahavior in any other way. She's planning to follow Cerri's advice and talk to an SA specialist. We've located one, and should have an appt for an eval soon.

We'd both like to think that she is a wonderful woman that made some mistakes while under the influence of alcohol. But while all of the sex was while drinking, some of the searching for sex was not. So we're not convinced it's just the drinking.

Anyway, once we get the SA eval, we'll decide what our next move is.

thanks.

i guess i am extra interested in how things progress with you two because as you say, this is not the traditional A and a lot of times i feel very out of place here because of that. but this place has helped me so much still, so i want to be here. but if you are willing, have the time and your W does not mind, i certainly would be interested in hearing how things progress for you two. because of the similarities (although i don't even have any alcohol excuse, just insanity) there is some illogical comfort knowing i'm not the only one.

i do hope your tests results come back good. we were very fortunate, the same could be true for you two. i know you are expecting the worse. i hope you are happily surprised.

Sadfww - here's my response to your ?? (sorry I don't know how to cut and paste on this BB.

By shutting him out and doing nothing for him - I am letting him do whatever he wants - I feel he'll screw up - he'll push his A's to the limit, he and they will become "sloppy" and will get caught by OPS. He'll drink more and have more hangovers..He'll not have "our friends" to socialize with - which will bother hime at least alittle. If he has an ounce of caring about me - he'll be upset when I walk out the door..wondering if I 2 will have an A..

My attorney siad it looks better if I remain in the home. We are in a no fault state so I wouldn't be using his A's for a reason to D..She said sometimes it's harder to get back into the house when the D proceeding start. It can look like abandonment.

I'm missing what you are saying here: "Go back and read what the quotes above." ????

If anything I feel alot better lately - it doesn't hurt when he comes home late or doesn't say where he is going. It hurts more when I was still playing the "wife" part - and I'd know he was still calling/seeing OP's. I was living his lie and that was alot more painful. If he would have ended his A's - I would have recovery, trust, etc. Knowing they still exist causes me too much pain - it's like I accept them and I don't...and he won't stop.

Yes, I am probably wasting alot of time staying in this M and if I only had 24 hrs. to live - I would feel that we did have good times together and for a time I believe he loved me - as long as he could love someone (I don't think he's capable of longterm) I wouldn't trade those years in - but, I'd wish he could love me the way I loved him, I'd wish that he would fight for his M. I'd wish he were a man of dignity, honesty, and self worth.

I'm not ready to walk because I do still love him and hope that our life changes. I know it's useless but something inside me tells me to stay and wait alittle longer..

Sadfww - you replied to my other posts along Weaver and I know I should end this misery but I just can't do it yet..what more do I need..I don't know that..how much more pain that I don't know either..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong> Sadfww - here's my response to your ?? (sorry I don't know how to cut and paste on this BB.

By shutting him out and doing nothing for him - I am letting him do whatever he wants - I feel he'll screw up - he'll push his A's to the limit, he and they will become "sloppy" and will get caught by OPS. He'll drink more and have more hangovers..He'll not have "our friends" to socialize with - which will bother hime at least alittle. If he has an ounce of caring about me - he'll be upset when I walk out the door..wondering if I 2 will have an A..

My attorney siad it looks better if I remain in the home. We are in a no fault state so I wouldn't be using his A's for a reason to D..She said sometimes it's harder to get back into the house when the D proceeding start. It can look like abandonment.

I'm missing what you are saying here: "Go back and read what the quotes above." ????

If anything I feel alot better lately - it doesn't hurt when he comes home late or doesn't say where he is going. It hurts more when I was still playing the "wife" part - and I'd know he was still calling/seeing OP's. I was living his lie and that was alot more painful. If he would have ended his A's - I would have recovery, trust, etc. Knowing they still exist causes me too much pain - it's like I accept them and I don't...and he won't stop.

Yes, I am probably wasting alot of time staying in this M and if I only had 24 hrs. to live - I would feel that we did have good times together and for a time I believe he loved me - as long as he could love someone (I don't think he's capable of longterm) I wouldn't trade those years in - but, I'd wish he could love me the way I loved him, I'd wish that he would fight for his M. I'd wish he were a man of dignity, honesty, and self worth.

I'm not ready to walk because I do still love him and hope that our life changes. I know it's useless but something inside me tells me to stay and wait alittle longer..

Sadfww - you replied to my other posts along Weaver and I know I should end this misery but I just can't do it yet..what more do I need..I don't know that..how much more pain that I don't know either.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">'

ITHURTS- only you know when it is time to let go. I wasn't trying to be mean with my post- I can hear that this is ripping your heart out. I just hate to think of a caring and compassionate woman wasting herself- and her time, if that is indeed what it ends up being. Take care of yourself-and take the steps you feel you need to take.

I will throw this out there, however, for your thoughts...you don't have to move out to begin divorce proceedings. Giving an ultimatum might get your H's attention. Obviously, you'd have to be prepared to carry though if you did that, and it sounds like you aren't at that point yet.

Take care of yourself.

Ithurts,

I once knew a guy when I lived in Lajolla Ca, who was an awful lot like your WH, minus the refusal to have SF with his wife. He lived it up all the time, drinking and running around while she spent her time trying to fix him and keep herself from falling apart. Eventually she gave up, he came home one night after a night out with lord knows who and his house was completely emptied out, & his wife gone. She had decided without his knowledge to file for divorce and hired a moving van, etc. Well he drank himself silly for a few days and then bottomed completely out. To my knowledge he still has not touched a drop of liquor. As far as I know he is still trying to find a woman like she was, but the years have not treated him well.

My point is that she left after her love was gone. She would have elicited the same response from him had she left sooner, and there may have been hope but she waited until she had no love left. A very sad story.

I told you my story already, so I will spare you that again.

My question to you is what do you think your WH would do if you left now... just disappeared?

What do YOU think would happen?

Sadfww - I know you weren't trying to be mean - my situation IS ripping my heart out..it's worse when they don't give you any hope for change. I want my WH very badly - but I cannot accept his A's and he won't stop..So rather than accept his disrespect of my and our M - I have withdrawn very deeply from him and our M. As I said - it is less painful this way.

He knows I've seen an attorney - he doesn't really seem to care - he knows that whatever amount he has to pay me - that he will over time make it back. My WH has a I DON'T CARE attitude about alot of things - this is something we have discussed many times - he puts up that stubborn wall and shuts his feelings off. He has many OP - so I'm no great loss to him. A man w/$$ is always more attractive w/orw/o a wife involved. These OP don't care that they are M or that he is..What are they thinking..

What really bugs me to no end is - why whould he want to live 7 miserable days w/me for 2 hours of sex a week w/OP? Or a few phone calls a day/ a drink here and there - to me it isn't worth the misery. It's not worth the public embarrasment - but apparently to him it's worth it - or he would try to work on the M and stop the A's..But, since he has a few OP - when 1 isn't available maybe the others are..

Funny, we didn't speak for a week - so I went out after work 1 nite - 3 hrs into it - he calls my cell. WHY?????? I never call his cell looking for him when he's out...WHY call me?? You don't want me so let me alone. Is he worried I'll met someone - he should be..guys like him are out there everywhere waiting for a lonely, attractive, MW who wants/needs a fling..

Since I'm not ready to carry thru with a D - I haven't done anything more w/the attorney.

Weaver: I can't just disappear - remember me from another post - we own the company and I pay the bills so he'd see me at work. I could possibly stay w/my parents and work different hrs. but I don't think he'd care. I do nothing for him at home - he's on his own. Wanna act single then here's your freedom - have fun with it....But, I'm single too and don't forget it...

Why he wears his wedding ring is beyond me...Babe magnet????

When I was out of town a couple of weeks ago - he didn't seem to care - though, he did care what clothes I took. When I came home - it was - Are you home already?????? Hell, I was gone 5 days....

A couple of weeks ago, I went out w/ a gf for dinner/drinks - I got home at 1 am - he was waiting for me - ripping into me as to where I was - WHY BOTHER - I STILL THINK - HE DOESN'T WANT ME BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE ME EITHER...

He's a master of control, manipulation, mind games I just don't wanna play anymore..

Yes, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...I don't see an end anytime soon. I'm sure he's leaving the ball in my court - he doesn't have the balls to leave me...for what some MW???

Weaver: I can't just disappear - remember me from another post - we own the company and I pay the bills so he'd see me at work. I could possibly stay w/my parents and work different hrs. but I don't think he'd care. I do nothing for him at home - he's on his own. Wanna act single then here's your freedom - have fun with it....But, I'm single too and don't forget it...

So you don't pay the bills... then he would have to pay them, right?

Why don't you leave a note for the guy saying something like this -

I need to get away for awhile and figure out what I want to do with my life, because the way things have been around here lately, your multiple blantant affairs, etc., is killing me.
Please pay the bills and find someone to work my shift. I will contact you when I come to some kind of a decision.

Make sure you go over this with your atty, so it is documented why you are leaving, and go to a doctor first to get prescription for A/D's, so the emotional trauma he is subjecting you to is also documented. Then he can't yell abandoment, you are leaving because of his abuse.

Just see how he reacts to your being gone & him not being able to reach you. Tell your parents to tell him you are not there and they have been sworn to secrecy about where you are and that you are safe, if he calls.

Well I would give it a try if you are not really able to leave him, it might shock him into some kind of action.

But only you know if it might have the desired effect and if you are willing to take a chance that it might backfire. But atleast you would have your answer and gain control over the situation.

No- he couldn't pay the bills - he hasn't a clue what goes on in my office. Noone is cross trained for my job. It wouldn't be too hard for him to have his daughter trained and she could come in and do it..which they both would love then he could push me out of our business. Then his little wretch (OP that works for us) would be happy..she'd be in total control and I'd be gone..

If anything I was planning to make myself even more visible at work - I am going to learn another job that would put me at full access to the phones and the customers. I don't think that would make him happy at all.

As for me hiding out - if he wanted to find me - he knows where I go every nite - to see my horse he knows I'll never give that up.

I think what really sets him off - though, if he truly doesn't care about me - I don't know why he reacts badly - is for me to come and go as I please - get dolled up and go out...come home when I'm darn good and ready. That's the only thing that has effected him in all that I've done. Build a life w/o him..don't spend every nite at the barn - show him that I can miss a nite if it's worth it..and meeting another man might be worth it..not that I want to do this - but he needs to see that I can and I will if I'm pushed into it.

I also plan on telling him I want more money (pay wise) he shut me off from his checking account though I only used it for groceries and my horses board payment. Since I own 40% of the company - I should only make 20% less than him - right????? Show him that I will not change my lifestyle - shopping, botox, etc. because he's having A's..Maintain what I'm used too. YOu go ahead and screw who want - I get my HIGH from shopping, horses, etc. If nothing else maybe he'll get mad enough and file for a D..then, at least I won't have had to make that decision.

Really - It's so much easier on me when I shut him out..I remind myself that no matter what he says about me - the 1 thing I'm not - is a women who lies and cheats. (Not yet) All his OP are M..so what's he getting -NOTHING....but a OP that lies and cheats on her spouse..When he says "you think you are better than everybody else" - HEY - he's right - I am - I can hold my head high and know that no matter what I get hit with I WILL SURVIVE..and his OP's don't matter anymore..Yes, it still hurts - but, I am getting better. Now, if he goes off the deep end and stays out all nite, or takes them on vacation - I'd probably flip out - but, I don't think he'll do that - yet..Funny, if any of them meant anything to him - why are there so many...I get mad that he lowers himself to some of these OP (a few aren't anything to look) when he has an attractive, good, wife that he doesn't want..He needs help..a few friends have reached out to him and he shuts them out

I think if I show him I DON'T CARE EITHER - I'm only here for the $$$ I can spend..that may get more of a reaction..Heck, all I can do is try it...if it fails then it's on to another "plan"..maybe then I'll be ready for Plan D..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>

He's a master of control, manipulation, mind games I just don't wanna play anymore..

Yes, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...I don't see an end anytime soon. I'm sure he's leaving the ball in my court - he doesn't have the balls to leave me...for what some MW??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ITHURTS

I think that whatever we say isn't going to make any real difference to you. You have determined your course- and are going to stick to it.
I'm not castigating you- just remarking that you HAVE made up your mind about what you are going to do.

Can I ask this however? Do you have a PLAN- a deadline? Have you considered what you are going to do if things do not change in the next 2 months- 4 months- or whenever it is that you can't continue like this?

No - I have NO deadline..Since I've made dealines in over the past year - after the holidays, after Aruba, after WH D wedding, yet I remain..

WH and I had a huge fight today - naturally, never speaks to me at home - came in my office and blew up. Said - Here's why I'm not talking to you..whatever I say - you tell everyone..Well, here's news to you - I was not talking to your FIRST....Where where you 2 Thursdays ago...blah, blah..I knew he was again lying, shacked up somewhere - that's when I stopped being a WIFE....

He kept telling me to buy a condo and go - I said NO...I plan on keeping the house..Said he will never give me 50% of everything..I said, well, why should I change my standard of living..I can live like this forever...that I am now single, gave him his freedom and I don't care what or who he does anymore...He was furious...said 2 years ago he left the M - then it was 5 years ago - becoz of my horse..all the M problems were my fault..then I said hell, 10 years ago when you quit SC$%*( me you left the M - who are you kidding...rather than address any M issues w/me he decided to start SC$#%ing every W)$( in town..incluing employees..he can have them all - I don't care...I spend my money on new dresses and he can use his for the hotel rooms..hahha..I also told him Maybe I should book us a room since that seems to be the only place he can SC$%( someone..

He said - Oh once you find someone else then you'll leave right - I said your Damn right I will..and not until...

I never once caved - never told him I still loved him, that I wanted to work on the M - I've said that so many times to deaf ears that I won't beg again..that only empowers him.

Said he is taking a month off work and I can run the place since I think I am entitled to 50% of it...Fine with me..go...I've had enough..we'll see if he actually goes thru w/it..I doubt it..

I think he's angry because he has seen a side of me in 2 weeks that he hasn't really seen - someone who shut him out and rather than crying and looking sad, not eating..she's happy, eating, and going out...basically, doesn't seem to care one crap about him..time will tell - maybe this will force him to change because he sees I refuse to give up anything or to file for a D...

Why should I give up everything and he gives up nothing???? Sounds a little 1 sided to me..I left my M for this man with basically nothing including alimony (though I was entitled) and I'm supposed to do that again - I think not..I can make him as miserable as he made me over the past year..and that is my new plan..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>

Why should I give up everything and he gives up nothing???? Sounds a little 1 sided to me..I left my M for this man with basically nothing including alimony (though I was entitled) and I'm supposed to do that again - I think not..I can make him as miserable as he made me over the past year..and that is my new plan.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ITHURTS...you see, from where I'm sitting- you are giving up everything by staying and continuing this farce of a marriage.

I'm not sure if I know your whole story. Were you married when you met him initially?

Yes - I was M when I met him - I wasn't happy at home - BS worked alot, we fought alot, I had no outside activities - so after 5 years I started to go for drinks w/co-workers. First time out - I met him - he was S- long story short - He persued me - I fell hard for him - I never left BS know that I was leaving for someone else - we D on very good terms. We used same attorney - people were shocked that we were even Ding. I had to go though - I was in love w my now WH..Within 6 months of meeting him - I moved out to an apt. 1 year later moved in w/him - following year M WH.

As I look back 12 years I see (and hey, I could be wrong) but I see a man that is a sexual predator - preys on MW - weak W - loney hearts. My WH was M to first W 2 times - then someone else for about 6-9 months - S probably 5-8 years -I'm now his 4th W. He probably cheated on all of us...One of the OP he's been seeing - he had an A w/ 14 years ago - her BS confronted him - funny, she's back in the picture - was she ever out of it - I doubt it...

At this point I don't think by staying that I am giving up "everything"..I'm giving up alot yes - but I will take alot while I'm here too..I'm becoming vendictive..I never deserved his A's, it would 1 thing if he had a ONS or he had 1 that he truly feel in love with..but, that's not the case..there are many..he has hurt many people here not just me and I will fight for what I believe is right financially. That's where it will hurt him for a change..He'll recover $$ and knows that - but I won't make this easy.

I have begged him to try and recover our M - it has been his choice to shut me out so now it's my turn to do the same. Maybe this will be his wake-up call..or 2X4...or like I said in earlier posts - maybe I'll grow to hate him and then I'll be able to leave. But, knowing that I still have love in my heart I can't go..I can't walk out the door..I know from this board that Plan B worked for them - but, w/us working together it's not possible. He needs help from a therapist to stop his philandering ways and maybe I'll drive him too it..I don't know..I just know I'm standing on my own 2 feet better than I ever have before..