I just found out that my wife had an affair 1-2 years ago and almost had another situation get out of control this year. Together for 5 years, 4 year old son. It happened when I was travelling for work, she has never worked since we have been together. The last 4 days are mixed, sad, mad, can't eat. Going to std clinic alone today and joint counseling tomorrow. Should I try to save it or get ready for divorce. I don't know if she has told me all the truth or if she cares.

Jim,
First of all, don't make any decisions right now. When you look back on this time you will be amazed that your brain didn't explode! You have emotions jumping at you from every direction, adrenaline is high, etc. Right now, stop and take care of yourself. Make sure your eating (I didn't eat a bite of food for 8 days after I found out - not a good idea)

Second, do not, let me repeat that, DO NOT take the advice of well meaning friends who haven't been where you are at today. It was painfully easy for me to say "If my husband ever..." When I was faced with the reality it changed things. If they haven't been in your shoes, they have no way of knowing your pain. I would advise that you be careful who you tell right now, if the affair is over and you don't have to worry about the other man being part of your life you can slow down and make decisions.

Third, order, borrow, buy, beg, borrow, or steal Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" You can survive this. I found out 16 months ago that my husband had been having an affair for four years. We have survived, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it.

Fourth, come here and read read read everything you can. Take what you need and let the rest go.

J1

Jim I agree with Jenna1 in not making any decisions right at this moment. The last thing you want is to make life altering decisions based on your present emotional state that can come back in the future and bite you in the a**.

On top of 'Surviving An Affair' I highly recommend that you also get ahold of the other Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. The former can help the two of you find out what are your most important EN [emotional needs] and the latter help you stop those habits that have destroyed your romantic love for each other.

Nobody here is going to force you into staying married to your WW [wayward wife] if you don't want to, but you'd be doing yourself a great favor if you learn from not only the books but avail yourself of the support system in these forums.

For what its worth, you are not alone.

Jim, 2 yrs ago I thought my head WAS exploding.
You have found a great site coming to MB. My M was over, H was leaving for the OW, I wanted him to stay, after a few months the tables turned, I was the 'love of his life' and HE WAS the one who betrayed me, and I didnt want him anymore. Two years later, and hrs and hrs of posting and reading here at MB, my M is better than it was on our Honeymoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> With a great Plan A, and the many 'friends' here who have 'been there done that', you CAN get thru this. Give your emotions time to settle, let it all sink in, then decide which steps you want to take.
_____________
d-day 5/16/02
H loves me but not in love w/me
I wake up 7/7/02 -H says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I have a hard time accepting that.
NOW: We have a M I never dreamed I could have.

Click on the link in my signature line. It is a complilation of the best resources I have found for recovery - including making the decision about whether or not recovery is possible. And, btw, I agree about waiting a while to make that decsion - most of us were emotional basket cases right after DDay, which is not a good time to make life-altering decisions.

Oh, yeah, just to give you some hope - we are in the "marriage now better than the Honeymoon most days" camp, too.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>