Hi all,
I am new to MB. I found this site as I was searching the web for advise. My 16 year marriage (which I believed to be loving) has been turned completely upsidedown over the past few weeks, and everything I believed to be true seems to be fake. My H explained that after all this time together, the void in his heart left by his one time girlfriend (mind you this was 18 years ago) has never been filled, and they have been in constant contact via e-mail and cell phone over the past month. He tried to hide their contact at first, but I accidentally stumbled upon the deleted e-mails. When I asked him about it he brushed it aside, telling me he just wanted to "see how she was doing after all this time". This has turned out to be far from the truth, and I have asked him continually not to speak with her because it is hurting our marriage. He tells me she has had a rough life and he doesn't want to hurt her. He also told me that in all our years together that I have never given him love like she did. BLAH!! It kills me to think that after 16 years my H could say something like this and mean it. It is as if my entire marriage was a game. I was just a substitute until he could find her again.
I really can't talk about this to family or friends and I'm just looking for advise on what to say to him or do. I have read nearly all the posts before writing this, and the consequences of spouses having EA's, but a 16 year lie is something a bit different (or is it?). Any advice would be well received. I just have no idea what to think or where to go from here.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Luckily you found this place early enough. Your husband is having the typical emotional affair - just like all of the rest - textbook in fact.

He will now be rewriting your marriage, to rationalize his behavior. Next they will be "soulmates". Yuck.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

He probably loves you, but has been caught up in this fantasy, and the resulting "addiction". So be prepared for him to act just like a drug addict, wanting his fix.

Also prepare for him to say some hurtful things. Just ignore them as the babblings of a temporarily insane person.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

click on the link in my signature line. What you are hearing is pretty typical of WS's. They tend to re-write history to justify what they want. However, he has given you a very important clue that you should not ignore. You see, each WS re-writes history in their own way, and his re-writing of history contains an imprtant clue about what he sees as a real problem in your marriage, (that he probably never told you about) - it is the phrase "You never loved me like she did". I'm guessing that you and he have not communicated well about what makes him FEEL loved, and you have been loving him in ways that are less important to him than the ways she loved him (or at least the way he sort-of-remembers-sort-of-fantasizes she loved/loves him).

So, again, click on the link in my signature line, and read the emotional needs section and the Plan A stuff (especially Zorweb's and Cerri's posts) a couple of times while you wait for your copy of "Survivng an Affair".