FG,

You stated </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had been following the quest for happiness for Myrta and Stanley for some time now.
I am really surprised at the sour turn,of the exchanges between JustLearning and Myrta.
Just Learning seemed to have a good grasp of the problems between Stanley and Myrta. But now, it seems that he had given up on Myrta, By all his previous posts I thought he was more enduring and persseverant than that. He calls Myrta stubborn,and some other things, but I think he could be guilty of being stubborn too, He has "blinders" to see how different people can be. He thought he had Myrta already changed to a different woman, but when he found out he still had some work to do with her, he gave up!
I was waiting to see the transformation of this WW.
Time to look for another thread to learn from!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FG, yes I withdrew from Myrta, because she said the magic words: "I was hurting her."

Further, I believed her, because her responses to me were addressing things I was NOT saying. Suggesting strongly that in her hurt she was NOT hearing what I was saying. That is very unproductive for her or me and clearly I was hurting her.

I may be blunt, and I might hurt someones feelings every now and then, but I will not do it on a regular basis. I will also not withhold what I think or feel about a situation. So, the answer is obvious...withdraw. I am not married to her and she has no obligation to listen to me or need to apparently. That is fine. But the real "magic" words were that I was hurting her. I take that very seriously.

It is my deepest hope that they do have a long and wonderful marriage. I do think she will come to see things differently. I hope so anyway.

God Bless,

JL

FrederickGirl...I should put my "two cent" here too. I should tell you, that yes, I did get hurt with some of the last posts that JL wrote me, but that did not mean I was not listening to him. I was very much listening to him, and thats why I got hurt. Because sometimes, when you hear the truth from other people, it hurts more.
I think that he withdrew from the thread because I was too much to handle. I was too much of a challenge as a WW. Even though, after reading so many crazy stories here, I am far from being a lost case, or the worst that has passed MaRRIAge Builders.
I am one of the "few " here, I guess, that needs a different approach on saying things to me. I cannot be attack with no mercy, like I am such a monster with my husband. If I was a monster, my husband would not want to keep me,even after the horrible thing I did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I hope to see you post here again. You even have you own thread already!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Myrta

Myrta,

You have been shown nothing but mercy here and you have not been attacked. You are just trying to paint yourself as a victim and you are not.

JL

JUSTLEARNING!!!

NO SIR, I AM NOT PAINTING MYSELF TO BE ANYTHING, BUT A WOMAN THAT DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE. AND THAT IS EXTREMELY SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DID. EVEN IF MY "ACTIONS" AND "WORDS" DO NOT MATCH!!!
I THINK YOU ARE EXTREMELY INMATURE, TO TAKE WHAT I SAY OR DONT SAY, WITH SUCH ANGER.

WHO KNOWS WHATS YOUR STORY WITH YOUR MARRIAGE!! EVERYONE HERE THINKS YOU ARE A GOD, BUT YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT!!!!

MYRTA

Myrta:

Your outburst spoke volumes beyond the words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uphill:
Myrta:

Your outburst spoke volumes beyond the words.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen.

JLearning
You acknowledge that you caused Myrta some pain, and thats why you withdrew, but yet, you are accusing her of painting herself as a victim. Dont you think thats a comment to hurt her further more? You are merciless to her.
Myrta...I think you overreacted a bit with your post to JLearning. But it is understandable.
My recommendation to you, is to stay away from his posts that concern you.

Myrta is free to respond or not respond to anybody's post regarding her actions but when she blasts someone because she doesn't like to be challenged by his/her views of her situation, then she sets the stage to be treated like a pariah where few, if any, MBers are going to try to reach out to her to help her anymore. There are plenty of other people arriving here at MB every day, BS and WS alike, that are in much greater need of help [and much more appreciative of the help given by folks like JL] and spending too much time with one person like Myrta who not only dismisses the advice given to her but insults the people giving it to her, is a total waste of time.

TMCM--
What are you doing here??? Do not waste your time too!!
I guess you are one of the "thousands" helped by JL....CONGRATULATIONS!

Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> TMCM--
What are you doing here??? Do not waste your time too!!
I guess you are one of the "thousands" helped by JL....CONGRATULATIONS!

Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta- what do you want from this forum?

SadWW-- What do I want from this forum?
I came to this forum, obviously to get some guidance and support from other people in the same situation. I came to this forum, because my husband advised me to do so.
I did not come to this forum, to be put down,in everything that I say or the actions my husband and I chose to do. Everyone is different in taking the advice, everyone is different in accepting the "advice" that is given, like is the word of God. JL is not God, I dont have to accept with a smile in my face everything he throws my way.
And, NO, I am not a victim here. Never say I was!
I did wrong, and now I am paying the consecuences of my actions. I have learned!!! from my one time mistake in 30 years of marriage.

Myrta

Myrta

I wasn't addressing YOU, I was addressing FrederickGirl, unless of course you and her are the same person. In any case, I'm gone from anything posts relating to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> SadWW-- What do I want from this forum?
I came to this forum, obviously to get some guidance and support from other people in the same situation. I came to this forum, because my husband advised me to do so.
I did not come to this forum, to be put down,in everything that I say or the actions my husband and I chose to do. Everyone is different in taking the advice, everyone is different in accepting the "advice" that is given, like is the word of God. JL is not God, I dont have to accept with a smile in my face everything he throws my way.
And, NO, I am not a victim here. Never say I was!
I did wrong, and now I am paying the consecuences of my actions. I have learned!!! from my one time mistake in 30 years of marriage.

Myrta </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, I'm confused. I went and read most of your thread. JL never said- or acted like- he is God.
Could you please point me to your specific complaints about his posts if you feel so inclined?

TMCM...No,you were not addressing me, but you were talking about me!!! Thats why I wrote you!

HMM,,,FrederickG and me the same person!!! LOL
You have a good imagination. Please, I dont
need to disguise myself as someone else, to
say what I need to say!! Have you done that??

SadWW---Thats how I felt in many occasions,he wrote to me. I felt that he was judging me too much. Like he is above mistakes. You might not feel that way, because you were not the one he was writing to, that its trying to mend her ways.
But, I accept your oppinion. But I have mine, and thats how I feel.

Thanks

Myrta

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> SadWW---Thats how I felt in many occasions,he wrote to me. I felt that he was judging me too much. Like he is above mistakes. You might not feel that way, because you were not the one he was writing to, that its trying to mend her ways.
But, I accept your oppinion. But I have mine, and thats how I feel.

Thanks

Myrta </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta- not trying to be a pest, but would you show me the posts in particular that bothered you?
I've been the subject of JL's scrutiny and haven't felt that he was *judging* me- or above me. I wonder if you are misinterpreting what he is telling you.

NO ONE IS A WASTE OF TIME. that statement seems worth repeating... no one is ever a waste of time, we are all hurting and i believe we are ALL really just trying to help each other.

Myrta, i have read just a little about stanley and you, hard to keep up with everyone here!! i don't go in just found out very often, i came here to get some info for a new person on general questions forum about where to find meanings of all our acrynoms.

i read this topic because JL started it, you don't see that very often, he usually responds to others. so now i should tell you, i am one who has been VERY helped by JL, but i am not here to defend him, although i will be forever grateful to him.

i am posting to you as another WW and as a person that can sometimes get hurt (if you knew me personally, you would laugh at the use of the word "sometimes"). it's hard Myrta, what we are all going thru, it is very very very hard!!!! but i do truely believe miracles happen here, please don't let your pain get in the way of your goal.

i loved the question sadfww asked you, why are you here? we all know the answer, we all have the same answer. i too had to learn to read here with the strong understanding that everyone here is different, everyone has different ways of communicating, but i do beleive EVERYONE here has only the best intentions, even if they sometimes fall short in how they communicate.

i have not read the exact posts between you and JL and i don't want to. to me the details of who said what and who may be "more" right or wrong is not important.

i just wanted to reach out to you and say, i understand you are hurting and i understand this is very hard. but you are here and so you must have the desire to make things better in your life. keep that goal in mind at all times. stuff like this will just slow you down, i've been slowed down a few times too, but keep that determination up and as best you can read all posts with the desire to get insight and help i know you so desperately want. i have come so far at this point i am comfortable telling someone in a nice way, that what they said hurt to hear. i have even said this to JL (look here if you want to see that exchange: JL, am i always going to be your example of the worst WW? )

i hope this helps you,

Karen

FinallyLearning--Thank you so much for your words, I do appreciate them inmensely. Yes, this is very hard, and we take "help" or "criticism" differently. I am very defensive, because of what I did. This how I deal with my situation. Yes, I am here, because I want to make my husband trust me again, because I want to make my Marriage better that it had ever been.
I am sure ,with no doubt in my mind, that JL has helped many people here. But the tactic that he was using with me, I didn't appreciate too much. He was fine at the beginning , but as of last friday, he saw everything that I posted here as "wrong" as a deterrent for the recovery of my marriage. Gosh, I am trying to do my best. I am sure there are many mistakes, but that is my way to deal with MY situation.
I am happy to hear you are a happy WW, and that everything is working out with you and your husband. Thats the goal of all WW that come here!!
TMCM is very harsh too. All of a sudden "I am not worth wasting his time" , but at the beginning of me posting here, he was ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Thank you again,
Myrta

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am happy to hear you are a happy WW </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">actually myrta, i am very far away from being happy right now, but i really am trying.

I still did not read exactly what was said between you and JL, nor am i going to. i don't want to come to any personal conclusions as to if he was too harsh or you were too sensitive, that is irrelavant and un-productive. you are who you are and you are fine as you are. my only point is to help you see that you are in control of all of this. use this board as a resourse to HELP you, leave the rest behind, otherwise you will just be wasting energy, which we both know is needed elsewhere.

TMCM and i have exchanged posts too, i will not state any opinion on him either because the point is my opinion does not matter.

just keep your goal in mind myrta, when you start to feel overwhelmed or when you want to just scream or throw your hands up in frustration and want to never come to this board again (i've felt all of these things and more). just keep thinking of your goal, keep your determination to blow off the hurtful sounding posts and just look for the stuff that will help you.

i do hope what i wrote will help you as you continue here. all the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> I am very defensive, because of what I did. This how I deal with my situation. Myrta </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta- sticking my nose in again. I HAD to post though b/c your words above jumped out at me. My defensiveness almost RUINED my marriage. (Yes, my A's didn't ruin my marriage- it was my reactions to my H that did it) I was SO full of guilt/remorse/shame that for YEARS after my A's (up until 2 months ago to be specific) I reacted to almost everything my H would say to me ASSUMING that he was criticizing me. He even TOLD me that I needed to stop ASSUMING what he meant- and to start listening to him. I couldn't do it- I felt that I DESERVED criticism- so assumed that he did too. But my natural strong-willed mouthy personality instead led me to snap back at him and escalate our discussions into arguments.....when there was NO NEED for it! I didn't see this clearly until JL did some intensive questioning (which was pretty painful... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Since my *lightbulb* moment, I have made a sincere effort to think before I speak and to realize that every word my H says is not a direct attack on me.

Obviously you being defensive about comments on a message board- and being defensive with your husband are two separate things. I have no idea if you have any issues at all like this with your H. However, I thought I would throw it out there anyway. And, btw, I'm not telling you to continue discussions with JL- if it's hurting you, well- no one wants that.