I'm not sure if this is the place for me or not. I hope so. I've been lurking for a couple of months now but just worked up the courage to post. Here is my story-

I've been married for 13 years. My H is a great guy. He's a wonderful father, is faithful as far as I know, is a hard worker, and he has been a decent husband. He's never been abusive. I come from a dysfunctional background where there was sexual, emotional and physical abuse. H was my escape from that home. We are both Christians- he accepted Christ when he was 12- I accepted when I was eight.

When we were counseled at our marriage our pastor recommended the "His Needs Her Needs" book- which I read. H didn't read it at all. For the last three years I've been unhappy. H is very selfish when it comes to what he wants- his hobbies and how much money he spends. All of these years I've put myself on hold for what he wants- his needs. I need more attention from him not on a sexual level. I need him to put me first. When I try talking to him about it he accuses me of starting a fight etc. He will do a little better then go right back to his other ways. He expects sex but wants to give me little affection otherwise. I have also asked him to go to MC- he refuses because he says he doesn't have a problem.

In the last several years my unhappiness has reached a high level. We've had a rough time due to some deaths in my family- our finances have been a wreck due to paying for funerals etc. I've had surgery- he's been hospitalized.
It's been really stressful.

You guessed it. A man I'd known for years started paying attention to me. He asked me to have a affair. He's been married a long time too and was looking for something too. After resisting for a period of time I finally caved in. I can't make excuses for my actions. Now, the other man and I have both begun to feel guilty. We weren't caught but have decided to call it off. I want to work on my marriage. I really do. I confessed my sins to God and asked him to forgive me. The problem is is that I feel I cannot tell my spouse. I certainly believe he would either kill me or divorce me.
I do not know how to heal my marriage- I do not feel attracted to him any longer. It's not like I want to leave him for the OM- I don't but I'm not sure I can regain the love I once felt for him.

I know this is really not the place for me but there really isn't one. I never meant to cause pain to anyone and after reading some of your posts here- well, it caused me to feel even worse. Please be kind enough to offer me some support.

I'm sorry for your pain but am glad you found us.

You've done the right thing by ending things with OM. You're on the right track to save your marriage. It worked once. I can work again.

My advice would be to tell him and clear your conscience. It sounds like the guilt is eating away at you and you won't feel right until you get your H's forgiveness. Maybe you can explain to your H that you no longer have contact with the OM. That may help. Do expect him to be angry. But try to be patient with him.

There are lots of other people here who can help.

Thank you! I was so glad that someone posted a reply before I went home. I think I should have explained before the rest of my situation. The OM is someone very intangled with my extended family. If I told H then I would have to disclose who it was and it would also ruin OM's marriage/work/life. I know H would definitely not keep it a secret (and who could ask that) and I do not want to impact OM's life either. He thinks his marriage is fine-and although I don't think that's the case- I'd rather he work out his issues. This whole can of worms would impact OM's life financially and I don't feel at this time I can do that to his children. That's as much as I can say without being TMI.

I might could tell H at a later date but at this point do not feel I can.

This is only day three of NC. I think I'm in withdrawal.

The only things I can tell you are things you don't want to hear, but those are the things that you will need to do to have a great - yes I did say "great" - marriage. Anything else will lead to more affairs and a continuation of the lousy marriage you are involved in, or divorce. Of course, there is a small risk that being honest will lead to divorce, too, but that is the risk you took when you started the affair.

First off, start being honest with yourself. No "decent husband" is as self-centered as the man you describe. He is not acting like a decent husband. He may be able to become one, but that is unknown at this time.

Secondly, as long as you are dishonest with him, you will not have a good marriage. You have to tell him. If you really fear what he may do when he finds out then you better get a third party involved, like a counselor. There is no possible way you can have NC with someone who is "deeply entangled with your extended family" without your H's help, and your marriage will never recover unless you have NC - Harley won't even counsel people who are still in contact with the OP, because he has found out by 35 years of experience that it is a waste of his and the clients' time.

I understand your concern for his wife and children, but his actions are the ones that have hurt them. It's not like you forced him, or anything.

Stop making excuses about why you can't be honest. We've heard them all before, hundreds of times - I mean really, do you think you are the only WS who has come on here saying "But it will hurt the OP's spouse/kids/job/family/finances/reputation etc., etc."? We know. We've been there. We give you the advice to tell your husband because it is the ONLY way to save your marriage. He will probably tell the OM's wife. That is a good thing. It will help her understand what kind of marriage she really has, and then she can decide what she wants to do about it.

Sometimes an affair can be THE wakeup call for many a BS [betrayed spouse] that there is something very wrong that created the environment where the WS [wayward spouse] affair became possible. Sure many BS simply end the marriage after D-day but many others rise up to the task to address those personal issues that contributed to the bad state of the marriage, with the hope of saving and rebuilding the marriage. But as long as your BH remains in the dark about your affair, the chances of him changing to a better H are practically nil.

I understand the reasons why you don't want to confess to your BH, especially if there is the good possibility that he would react violently against you or the OM, but you are cheating him out of an opportunity to decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you. Keeping a terrible secret like your affair hidden from your H could very well destroy you and your marriage in the long run.

I agree with TMCM & John here.

Ok hes not been a good H, perhaps emotionally more so than some others, but still, an affair as you perhaps now realise was not the answer.
Easy after the fact isn't it?

Sooner or later someway or somehow your H is likely to find out about the A, you may even just blurt it out in frustration one day.

You do need to be honest with your H and yes it may lead to divorce or separation, buy you did take that chance when you had affair.

I understand that you guys are trying to help.
I appreciate your honest answers.

I will not continue to be in contact with OP. The only time I would possibly see him is perhaps once a year and I believe we would both try to avoid that.

Yes, my husband is self centered in alot of ways. He's been making more of an effort lately but he's done that before.

I have been afraid I would tell H in a emotional outburst but so far that hasn't happened.

I want to work on my M but I also need to work on myself emotionally. I think once I do that then I can get to the place I need to be to work on my M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong> I understand that you guys are trying to help.
I appreciate your honest answers.

I will not continue to be in contact with OP. The only time I would possibly see him is perhaps once a year and I believe we would both try to avoid that.

Yes, my husband is self centered in alot of ways. He's been making more of an effort lately but he's done that before.

I have been afraid I would tell H in a emotional outburst but so far that hasn't happened.

I want to work on my M but I also need to work on myself emotionally. I think once I do that then I can get to the place I need to be to work on my M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in IC?

A fellow WW here. I have to say that I can literally feel your pain as much of your story is extremely similar to mine.

I may be enabling you by saying this, but if I were in your shoes I would actively pursue counselling on my own before talking to my H. If you fear the reaction that you mentioned, you really need to make sure that you have your own emotional and physical resources set and ready before you talk to him. Don't go in and talk to him without a plan about what you'll do if his reaction is as hostile or volatile as you think it might be. And I'm guessing that you really need to do some work on your self to have the strength to get to that.

All that being said, I have to agree with this statement whole-heartedly:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes an affair can be THE wakeup call for many a BS [betrayed spouse] that there is something very wrong that created the environment where the WS [wayward spouse] affair became possible. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't feel everything is hopeless. I was shocked and surprised at the reaction my H had when I told him.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for the responses.

I am not in IC right now- although I have been in counseling before for my childhood issues.
I have a dr's appt in two weeks and I'm going to discuss this when him when I go. I think based on some things I've gone through in the last two years (especially the last 6 months) that it's possible I might have had some type of breakdown before this started. Not trying to rationalize but I just haven't been myself since April or so.

We have had alot of friends go through this. One recently- his wife of 23 years is leaving him for another man. Apparently she hasn't been faithful their entire marriage. My H was very upset about the whole thing and since that time has attempted to be more affectionate. Any other time we have ever talked about that he has flatly told me that he would pack up my bags and I would be out the door. Or I would be dead.
I know those are the chances I took when I began the R but it doesn't seem as real to you then as it does now.

My wife has admitted an EA. Possibly it could be a PA, but I don't think so. Either way it wouldn't matter, because I now know that due to my overwork I have been way too stressed to meet her EN's. I accept responsibility for leaving her unfulfilled emotionally. I can now see it, but I couldn't as it was happening. So sad. I am making sure it never happens again. Hopefully with this wife! I can't even think about life with another woman. I never want that to happen. So far, she has not been ready to accept my changes since she has said she is emotionally dead. I made similar comments during the early years of our marriage about packing her bags or killing her if there was anyone else. I would never do it. It was only said to deter any such activity. As a BH I would want to know. I think that my wife and I would always have a wedge between us if living lie. I think you have to tell him and pray for him to heal and want to save your marriage. Living a lie will kill you in my opinion. Hope it works out the best (for both of us).