I have been married for 32 years with a very unfulfilling sex life for pretty much all of those year. I have been having an affair with a man with whom I work, on and off for the last 9 years. He was married, but in the process of divorce, when the affair started. I ended the affair 4 years ago because I couldn't break up my family. It a very hard thing to do. Sex was wonderful--I didn't know that was how it was supposed to be. I found out a year and a half ago that he was with a woman who is probably perfect for him and it broke my heart. I lost 15 pounds, down to 103, average height and couldn't function. 3 months after he started dating the new woman, who is so wonderful, he and I resumed our affair. It just ended again the end of August. He told me 2 days ago he doesn't want to cheat on her. I know I am not thinking clearly. I am still married, why would he want to ruin what he has with her for someone still married. I just want to leave my husband and live by myself. I just can't seem to get over this man. The unfortunate thing is I see him everyday at work. I cannot quite my job and neither can he. It would totally mess up my health insurance and retirement. I think this time it is probably over. He told me it would not matter if I was free, that the feelings were gone. I said gone to never return and he couldn't say that was the case. He also told me on a scale the love he feels for this new person if at the bottom of the scale. I know I have not mentioned the injustice this all is for my husband, but the sick part is I don't even see him in the picture. I am so addicted to this man. I see all his faults but love him anyway. He is 6'4", slim and has a nice body. What should I do to rejoin the human race???? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You want to rejoin the human race? The first thing you need to do is to confess to your H about your 9 year affair for he has a right to know and decide whether or not he wants to continue being married to you. To keep the truth of your affair from him is to manipulate him to remain married to you. If you have any respect for him you will tell him the truth.

Vsorryw

I’m a BS - like your H unknowingly is - so please read my comments in light of this fact.

First thing, I do commend you for your courage coming here and asking for advice or thoughts or comment, it takes guts and I know when my wife did it the first time she was petty well vilified & ran for the hills……………don’t do that, if you cannot accept a comment ignore it and go on.
Please don’t think that with my response, I am hoping you will start to think through all the implications of what has happened as you wrote it & of course am making lots of assumptions. So with that in mind……….

Have you ever thought the reason why sex with H was so unfulfilling is that perhaps you have NEVER really been fully committed to this poor man?

32 years or not, if you were NEVER together with him in your mind, how could the sex be ‘great’ because a lot of sex is in the ‘MIND’. Many therapists say the brain is the greatest sex organ of all, so if your mind has never been involved to the degree that you feel or felt with the OM, how could you ever expect it otherwise?

I wonder if you have ever gone to your H before or after the affair started and spoken about the subject. I mean if it has become boring and just another housewifery duty to you don’t you think he deserved the opportunity to work WITH you to fix it?
I don’t assume your H is perfect or has been a great M partner even, but how could he ever become that if you have been so dishonest for a great portion of your M????

Perhaps vsorryw there is more to this than you have written here, issues that may shed light on how your M has come to this pass, but frankly you sound very uncaring and disrespectful of your H for 32 long years. I wonder if it occurred to you that your selfish behaviour has denied him the right to have a happy & truly committed partner for at least 9 years and perhaps more?
This may sound harsh to you but I feel you have used your H for all these years to provide for you as best he may without giving much back. Not even appreciation because your actions speak louder than words.

What is sad is that he probably has no idea and actually LOVES you just as you believe you love this OM and thinks you are everything he ever wanted. In a way vsorryw, you have managed to rob him of a large proportion of his life and perhaps the chance for happiness for his remaining years - which I hope is many of course. He has - unknowingly I assume - been living a lie with you all these years.

You need to have a darn good look at your actions and behaviour over all these years and consider what you as a person are going to do.
If you left your H it sounds to me that you are considering setting out to destroy another relationship the OM has with this new woman. Is that a good thing to do? Or is that selfish destructive behaviour? How many relationships founded in such deceit prosper for long? How many are you aware of?

If you stay in the M, what are YOU going to do?
Tell your H nothing & just keep things going as they are or be honest with him and actually ask him to work with you to make each other happy, if of course he wants to do that any more.

This is very hard vsorryw , maybe the hardest thing you have done in your life, but you need to be honest with your H for once and accept responsibility for YOUR actions.
However, if you do want to stay in the M you also need to let him know that and then use the tools explained here to begin the road to a ‘new’ M.

It is not my intention to cause you hurt or pain, but to have you consider what your actions may have done and perhaps what some options are.

I hope you decide to fight for your M and H, even if he wants to end it, because even then its not hopeless you know. This site has great advice and can help you through this. So please consider all.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, there is much more to the story of my marriage. We were married because we had a child together during college and I felt this was the thing to do, even though he wasn't interested in keeping the child. (Remember, that people did not keep illegit children in the early 1970s.) My religious beliefs told me the person with whom a woman had sex was the person she should marry. (Rather quaint idea now.) Two years after the child was born and put up for adoption, I married him. I sound pretty gutless, don't I.
Our marriage seemed to be fine, but he was never interested in sexually satisfying me and I was too dumb to know that I could ask for more. My therapist tells me that was quite common for women of my generation. People tell me I am an attractive woman who looks at least 10 years younger than I am. In all the years I have been married, my husband has never told me I am beautiful, something one would think a husband would do if he loved his wife, even if she wasn't beautiful to others. I have been a very good mother and he has been a good father. We just weren't good at talking to each other. He was very self-involved with 99% of the child care and household care going to me, even though I have worked for most of my marriage. I just let him get away with too much and let the resentment build. I am not trying to excuse my bad behavior, just explain some background. I know I should have insisted on talking to him about things when he wasn't talking and insisted he be a part of baby care, etc. He lived his own life with long hours of work to build a big house I never wanted, played golf, walked with the neighbor woman because I had to watch the kids, etc.
The OM pursued me, told me I was beautiful, listened to my opinions, was passionate, kind and made me feel so special. After a year of being pursued, I got lost in him. I regret the day I met him, actually, but he did open my eyes to how wonderful and fulfilling sex could be. I was in love with him, but couldn't devastate my teenage children by leaving.
I am not certain I can ever tell my husband. My instinct is to leave and let him look for someone new. I know he gets it now--we both do--how important it is to talk and being honest about ones feelings. I just feel ambivalent. I won't be leaving for the OM. That, I feel is truly over. I am coming to terms with that. I would be leaving because the feelings for my husband are gone and I want to get on with my life.
It is so helpful to be completely truthful here. Perhaps I did keep him from having a better married life, but he kept me from one, too, by not letting me into his.

Nobody can tell you whether you should remain married or not for that is up to you and your H to decide. But whatever you decide, you do your H no favors by not confessing your A to him and why you fell into it. Your H must be made aware how his personal issues had plenty to do with the bad state of the marriage which created the environment that made your affair possible. If he is to have a future with another woman, he must realize that he has issues which he must address and resolve otherwise he is likely to continue having them present in another relationship.

As you may see from my sign on I am Aussies wife and like you a fww.
Your latest post makes your situation very much clearer and maybe it is good to also hear from people on the same side of the fence as yourself.

Aussie & I are trying to recover from my actions and it is very difficult and at times disheartening and traumatic.
The hardest thing I have ever done was to finally tell him the full details a few days ago, its taken me 4 months or so to get there.

Not sure what that will now mean for us, he’s very quiet & avoids me right now so I am waiting and hoping, maybe expecting the worse.

I can clearly see where you are coming from and though you say you have no feelings now for your H I would like to let you know what I have learned from this site.
First I want you to know you are not alone in the way you feel right now.
Your feelings are very, very common when a woman finds herself in your position. Most of us go through it to varying degrees. I was lucky I was not too involved but it STILL hurt.
You see the affair is over and you are actually morning the loss of a man you feel you loved, you miss the affair and attention, the ‘special’ way it made you feel. It is commonly explained as being in withdrawal, as strong as any drug addiction and it HURTS!!
And you feel little for your husband right now, that too is a common feeling and response at this time.

Nothing will improve much until you get past this period of ‘withdrawal’.

This is where you may need some support from here and perhaps keep going to your counsellor to help you through all this turmoil.
It may also help to read all you can on this site as it will give you a good insight to what is going on inside yourself. As well I would suggest you also get the books they refer to here which I understand can also be purchased on ebay

vsorryw I can only recommend that you not make any decision for at least 12 months on your M. Once you feel strong enough I do think you need to tell your H if only because you need to move on, either within your M and make it what it should have always been, because its an awful waste of 32 years if not, but if you have to , you can go on without it.

Oh and remember, there are lots of people here to help you , both with support and 4x2’s when you need it. Most of all don’t give up yet!

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong>vsorryw I can only recommend that you not make any decision for at least 12 months on your M.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May I add to the above .... any decision for at least 12 months and making sure that during that 12 months there is absolutely zero, nada, zilch, zip contact with XOM. No happy birthday greetings, no "just wanted to see how you are" phone calls, NOTHING.

If you can't/won't do this, your marriage has very little chance of improving. That is a fact.

Because OM was in your life for nine years in some way or fashion, you were effectively blocking any improvement that might have been made in the marriage.

Bring the affair out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. Get into counseling, perhaps both individual and marital, and close the door, once and for all, on XOM. Give it a year and then see how things are shaking out. You might just be surprised.

God bless.

~ Snow

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

You are getting some very good advice and support here. I won't try to add to what has already been said because you're hearing the bottom line already.

What I find interesting is that so often in your posts and many times in a single post you bring up the concept of your looks, his looks, what other people think of you, what compliments you receive or do not .... I can't help but wonder if you don't have deep issues regarding self-esteem that you should discuss in IC during this year of No Contact. I know that it was a huge issue for me, personally, during my recovery.

VSW,

This is probably a stupid question, but have you ever confronted your H about the sexual prob?

Most of us males tend to think we are God's gift to women and when we find out we're not we want to make it better.

k