Wow, what a story. I have no hope. H only talks to people who think that D is only answer. I wished that he would just post on here once and get some replies about what an affair does to a person. We are almost D and I am devestated. I still love him very much. Although I have tried everything...been nice.....left him alone.....been mean.....nothing has worked. Everytime I think things can't get worse they do. Then he says something to the girls that make me think he is starting to feel remorse or maybe starting to feel confused or bad about D. My friends have offered to talk to him but I don't want them to. I know he won't listen and thinks they are all mental too. But anyway, someday I do believe he will wake up. If not for me, for the girls.<BR>Nancy

Could you provide me with some details to your situation? How long has the affair lasted? What was your marriage like before the affair.. Is your h home, or out of house? Give me your story so I can try to help.<P>Dont be mean to him,,, I know you sometimes want to..but it will send him right to her and make him think further that he is doing the right thing.. <P>Look for the tiniest things...For me, my h came back to me slowly........I mean very slowly.. He moved home in June, but that didnt mean I had him back.. It just meant he lived with me..<P>If you love him and want to be with him.. You are going to have to take a step back and not LOVEBUST at all... It is so hard.. I mean.....dont even ask him about ow, dont bring it up, be strong in front of him even though inside you feel like dying. <P>Take this time to work on yourself.. Buy some clothes,, dress up, excercise,, keep busy.. Work on anything that your h had problems with you in the marriage..<P>For me,,, I tried extrememly hard to not give my husband ANYTHING to believe that his life with ow would be better... I even tried to trust him, because I didnt want him to think that our marriage was over because of lack of trust.. I even had to show it to him when I knew he wasnt to be trusted.. It sucked.. My pride told me not to,, but you have to... At this point,, your h and my h, literally are not thinking straight,, they look for the smallest things to give them justification for what they are doing.. Dont give them anything...<P>Write me back and give me your whole story so I have a better idea of things.. Keep in touch.

Also,, I would introduce him to reading material, but I would wait for a while to do this.. Wait until after you have displayed some good strength in front of your h, and wait until you see some signs that he may be second guessing his decision. Once you see that,, very subtlely introduce him to some reading material as I suggested in the other post.. But the timing has to be right.. Maybe if he brings up something, then you can suggest a great book you have read etc.. Get it to him and highlight some of the stuff you think is important.<P>Its very important for him to also understand what has happend to him.. That is the first major battle you need to win.. Once your h understands his affair as an addiction, and that his chances of it becoming a successful marriage are next to nothing,,,, the first step of this whole ordeal has been completed.. But do some work to prepare yourself first.... Lay the ground work and be patient...<p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited December 27, 1999).]