I'm not sure if I handled this situation properly, but here's what happened:

I had to go out of town this week. When I got to the airport, I called my wife. She told me that a woman had just called there a few minutes prior, who turned out to be a co-worker of the OM. She said that the guy had asked her to call, and she wanted to know if my wife wanted to talk to him. My wife told me she said 'no, I don't' and hung up.

Anyway, I thanked my wife for telling me about this. She and I have agreed to no contact...and she has agreed to tell me if she DOES get a contact from the OM.

Concerned that the OM wasn't going to play along, I sent an email to an address that he used to use with my wife. HIS wife is now reading it, and I figured that SHE should know of his contact attempt and that HE should know that no contact means exactly that.

In the meantime, my wife sent him a letter reafirrming that she wants nothing more to do with him.

Anyway, I got an email back from the guy telling me that I'm not helping the situation by sending emails to his wife - and that I nearly got him fired by calling him at work earlier in the day to complain about things he had been saying about my wife.


I told him I won't call him at work anymore (I did it only because I don't have his home number.) But...I pointed out to him that we are SERIOUS about no contact..and that his wife has a right to know if there IS an attempt at contact.

All of this is complicated, in my mind, by two factors: this guy says that he still "loves" my wife and that he is having a hard time with the separation. And...my wife told me that she tried to break the relationship off after about two weeks....but he called her up crying, and she agreed not to end it.

Given all of that, I don't think I'm wrong to be so aggressive about the no contact arrangement. I'd like to know what other people here think, however.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ALl of this is complicated, in my mind, by two factors: this guy says that he still "loves" my wife and that he is having a hard time with the separation. And...my wife told me that she tried to break the relationship off after about two weeks....but he called her up crying, and she agreed not to end it.
Given all of that, I don't think I'm wrong to be so aggressive about the no contact arranement. I'd like to know what other people here think, however. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Andrew, that was classic OM behavior! These guys really give a good name to us men- don’t you think?

Why do WWs fall for these bozos is beyond me. Anyway, I congratulate you and W. She did the right thing and he may eventually get the message. Sometimes the only thing that works are harsh words by WW to OM in the phone if he makes contact. However, most WWs don’t want to break the heart of the OM. Or in my case my wife didn’t want to break her own heart by being harsh in saying NO MORE!

I warn you that the tendency is to stretch the break up over several weeks or months and it is not a pleasant experience.

BTW, keep calling at OMs job to see if he gets fired--- that would be lovely!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, I got an email bavk from the guy telling me that I'm not helping the situation by sending emails to his wife - and that I nearly got him fired by calling him at work earlier in the day to complain about things he had been saying about my wife.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, but that's your problem why, again?

So he almost got fired? Great! [censored] deserves it. In my darker moments I still wish bad things on TBXWW's OMs.

Of course you're not helping "the situation", because he's referring to HIS situation. By reporting his actions to his wife, however, you are very much helping YOUR situation. That's the only one you should be thinking about right now. I guess he figures that he's entitled to your respect for his marriage even though he showed none for yours and tried to destroy it. What conceit.

Don't change your behaviour one iota. If he tries to contact your wife, report this to his wife. And if you have to contact him at his work, do it. And if he gets fired? Hey, you play with matches, you get burned.

You have a right to protect your M, yourself, and your wife. If both of you want NO CONTACT for OM - then he needs to have respect for your request and leave your W alone.

As for telling his wife or calling his job - if he would stop contacting your W - you would have no reason to call his or his work..So this is his fault....

I made a huge mistake by not exposing soon enough..I was afraid that the OW's husbands would beat them up or something...I finally decided that I don't care what happens to OW..When they made the choice to sleep with my H they knew full well the consequences and what their spouses are capable of...I worried and protected people that would never do the same for me - nor did they have any repect for me by sleeping w/my H..Heck, some of them have the nerve to call my house....

My new attitude says - You call my husband, then I have a right to call yours....