It has been really difficult even reading posts here lately let alone posting a new message.<BR>My wife and I have for the most part been doing extremely well since our discoveries of each other surfaced (8 weeks ago I found out about hers and about 3 weeks ago I confessed about mine). The only way I can describe our relationship is wonderful except when I allow some "trigger" (reminder of her affair) to cloud our relationship. She has been so strong and supportive for me and I don't know how she does it. My affairs haven't evem come up in our relationship except in discussion with counselor and she says they (as well as her affair with OM) are in the past. There is absolutely no tie with anyone in my past. So we are left with only my thoughts of her in her affair. Why does this affect me the way it does? I should be thanking God every day for the opportunity He has given us (and I do). Why can't I live in the present and enjoy the romantic relationship we have reestablished in our marriage? Our friends and family know something is up because they see something in us they haven't seen in years ( a glowing love for each other). But, sooner or later she says or does something or some other thought will come to mind that will cast a shadow over the love we are rightfully experiencing. She never does anything intentional. But, for example, she gave me a beautiful card for Christmas (we don't exchange gifts). Of course I didn't get her anything (our agreement). The reminder here is that OM's wife told me (the day after she told me of their affair) that my wife would send OM a card after their encounters thanking him for a great time, etc.<BR>The problem is why do I allow things like this to affect our relationship? My wife is with me and doesn't even think of OM unless I "remind" her when something like this happens. Our relationship is so wonderful most of the time (it isn't perfect) and it is because she is trying to make it that way. If I could only get through these "triggers" without lovebusting or withdrawing (holding my feelings inside until they pass) life would be even better. What can I do? Sometimes I can dismiss them by reflecting on my own guilt for being the betrayer but most of the time my pride won't let me give in to the guilt so I withdraw.<p>[This message has been edited by CRC (edited December 27, 1999).]

CRC:<P>Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. My wife rarely thinks of OM unless I bring it up. But, you've GOT to bring it up, because if you don't you'll obsess about it. I think for me, I need reassurance that she's NOT thinking about him. When I let her know that the memories and triggers are bothering me, she's very good about reassuring me that I'm the one she wants.<P>Give yourself some time. It's only been 8 weeks. I didn't start having a BUNCH of good days until well into our fourth month post-recovery. I still have some days where I think about it and it bothers me.<P>The fact is, there will always be triggers. You need to learn to let go of the anger and dismay when a trigger strikes. For me, I let the feeling linger for a few moments when a trigger strikes, and then I think of how lucky I am that she decided to stay. I think of happy things, like our plans for a better life, etc.<P>The happy feelings end up overwhelming the bad feelings. It's not easy to do, and you have to work at it. But it can be done. The most important thing to remember is that you need to give yourself TIME to heal. Eight weeks is not much time. Don't beat yourself up. Remember that the betrayal was deep. You must allow yourself to heal<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Been 2+ years for me. Not a single day goes by that I don't have at least one trigger go off that reminds me that after 25 years of marriage, my wife betrayed me.

Oh...those lousy triggers! We've been in 10 months of recovery and I still have those lousy triggers. The most recent were chocolate chip cookies...sounds crazy to me! Allow yourself to heal....it will take time.