Just wondering in what ways you have made to "work on you" I often read this line & wonder if you can give ideas to help ach other.
Thanks ....
Wh 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
M 6th November 76
D day #1 10th november 2003
H had several A's over 10yrs
Working at staying together forever.

This may give you some ideas. It's a post by Cerri on another forum: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> neverenough:
So what do those requirements look like? I am thinking they are probably different for every situation.

No really, not so much. I expect that people will first and foremost stop the destructive things they are doing. If they have anger or addiction issues or if they are in love with their own independent behaviors they need to stop. Get help if necessary. If their spouse had identified that they have anger and control problems they need to believe what they hear and get help.

No matter what someone else does, losing one's temper, being judgmental, opinionated, or disrespectful is never ok. And, most people can't see when they are perpetrating those acts. There's a whole lot of entitlement that goes in - in a negative way.

I've had several clients that just couldn't get past this and who ended up being the force that destroyed the marriage - not the fact that their spouse had an affair or worked too much or was neglectful - it was the angry, entitlement, opinionated, judgmental attitude that made healing impossible.

At the same time, they need to learn to be honest in a way that is calm, courteous, and respectful. Not just honest about where they are and what they're doing, but honest about HOW THEY FEEL about the conditions of their lives.

Now, when I tell people this, they insist that they are/were honest and it didn't make a difference. But when I question them what they say is, "I AM honest. I told him he was a lazy slob for sitting there on the chair watching football while I helped the kids with their homework and cleaned the kitchen. And if he didn't get his act together pretty soon I was just going to have to find a way to get my needs met without him."


Uhh. Yeah. That's not honesty. That's being rude. Honesty is all about you and only about you. And it's really not about what you think. I don't give a hoot if you ever tell your spouse what you think - it's only about what you feel. Using words that describe emotions. Things like happy, sad, angry, frustrated.

I had a young couple insist that saying "I feel like you're being really stupid," was a feeling statement. It's not. It's an opinion. When I start working with people I make opinions on anything even closely related to their personal lives off limits. You can read a more in depth version of my Honesty Assignment here. I expect people to be highly skilled at being able to do this.

When they can do that (and yes, one person can effect significant change by taking these steps) then I want them to seriously hone their negotiating skills. Just being honest doesn't effect change all that much. So we add to that a request for change. This is the ability to move from the calm and courteous atmosphere you've created by your non demanding, non judgmental, honesty and ask for something different. Being honest is the first step in moving away from the pov that your spouse is somehow doing something "wrong" towards the concept that s/he is involved in or doing something that is coming between you and hurting the marriage. Removing the judgment. Asking for change is the proactive next step that explicitly states that concept.

AND THEN - along with all that I'd like to see an understanding of the biochemistry of the different phases of the mating drive and how they pertain to where the couple is in their marriage. With that information you can focus on what needs to meet. If your spouse is having an affair, trying to meet the needs that fill romantic love receptors is going to be a futile pursuit. But there might be quite a bit of benefit to meeting attachment needs.

AND (yes there's more) deep personal changes need to occur as well. If you've been part of the epidemic of conflict avoidance you need to change that. The honesty assignment addresses it in part but when there is infidelity or other addiction then there are interventions that need to be made. There is a huge difference between protecting the marriage from the outside influence of a destructive situation and being afraid to upset your partner by making waves. One is crucial and the other is simply a way to stay in your own comfort zone and hide behind the idea of being nice.

I would expect someone to do these things when there is neglect or infidelity. Long term for neglect - at LEAST two years of skilled application. Short term for infidelity - that's more of a case by case timing but I lean towards shorter is better. Rock the affair boat hard and then be in a strong and protected PlB. There are biochemical reasons for that that I won't bore you with here.

I'm sure there's more, but that's the very minimum of what I would expect.

Oh - and if you do that in those time lines and your spouse still refuses to change (not the same as making change slowly) then I want you in Plan B with absolutely no contact for a minimum of 12 months. THEN we can talk about whether or not you've done everything possible.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might want to click on the link in my signatue line, too, for the Plan A links. I think the reason you haven't gotten any other replies is because you were not specific enough about your situation.

eyesopened,

After my A, I spent a great deal of time in IC "working on me." One ongoing exercise involved self-affirmations. I have to admit that I couldn't take it very seriously at first because it was very "Stuart Smalley" (i.e. Saturday Night Live) to me: "I'm smart, I'm good, and doggonit, people love me!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But in the end it was the most empowering and useful exercise that I had ever experienced.

My therapist had me come up with a dozen POSITIVE statements about myself -- ways in which I felt I needed to change. It was extremely important to word them in a positive way, which was really hard for me. I couldn't say, "I shouldn't do such-and-such anymore," I had to say, "I WILL do such-and-such" instead.

She told me to take my completed list and treat it like a full-time job. For a full week, I have to repeat the affirmations, out loud, in the mirror, and with physical action attached to it, over 200 times a day. I kept them beside my bed and my first waking thoughts in the morning were of the affirmations. At night as I drifted off to sleep, I reaffirmed my thoughts.

Basically, I was "brainwashing" myself. I was retraining myself to think positively instead of negatively.

I never thought it would work, but it did -- and sooner than you would imagine. During that week, any time my thought process started moving in the wrong direction, I quickly took out my list of affirmations and repeated them over and over with conviction.

At first I felt like an idiot. I was embarrassed that someone would hear me. But by the end of that first week, I was a changed person.

I know it all sounds silly and ridiculous to hear it this way, but I cannot overemphasize how much it changed me. It gave me a strength of character that I never knew I possessed. In my entire life I never imagined speaking up for myself, but by the end of the week, it seemed to be second nature.

I am not sure if that's the kind of work that you are asking about. If not, please elaborate. Maybe I can share more with you about my IC.

Hi Johnh39 & FaithfullyHoping,
Thankyou for your replies.
H & I have been doing alot of what you wrote JohnH39. We are more respectful towards each other, spend almost 24/7 together. H wants me to be with him all the time. He now works from home, so this is easier. H never spent much time with us in years gone by, due to work commitments & O/s travel. H also had regular holidays with "mates" fishing & 4WDing, but never with me. This was a major LB & caused alot of tension between us. He has not spent any time with these so called mates (guess what they do also yep ... cheat on their wives.) since D Day #1. Now WE go out together at least once a week.

FaithfullyHoping, I am thinking as I write this, about what I can write on MY list to tell myself everyday. This sounds good to me, even though I will probably feel silly saying it out loud. I need to work on self esteme issues.

I have not had any councilling since I found out & neither has H. Just what I have read on this site, which has been sooo helpful at times.
H does not read on here. I have asked him to & sometimes when I ask him to read something, he will, but not on his own. He has been very attentive & great towards me. I still have serious trust issues, but I think this is because he lied so much to me in the beginning, said he hated seeing me so hurt. This didn't help as I found out that he had been with so many woman (7) the hard way, so put recovery back again & again. Have to move on from this now. I think I am coming out of the BS fog. Gosh, it has taken almost a year, but now I have started to feel happy again & much more positive towards H. I have been one of the "lucky" BS in that H stopped all contact straight away. The last OW was my GF, as well as one O/S that he only saw a few times a year. He was cheating on his OW as well, but that hadn't occurred to him at the time. He is now discusted with himself.
Anyway, I digress, Thankyou again & should you have any other ideas. please let me know, I'm
open to any ideas for self improvement.
WH 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
Married 6th November 1976
D Day # 1 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10yrs
Working at staying together forever