I discovered that my husband is having an affair with a co-worker who he sees everyday for more than 8 hours since they belong to the same group. I confronted them and they both agreed to stop the affair. I am doing everything to save our marriage it came to the point that i left my work and looked for another job that is not too time consuming so I could have more time for my husband. I didn't want him to leave the office because his position and salary there was fine and I am afraid he cannot find a simillar job so I let him stay. I can say that me and my husand now are doing fine we do things together often. I don't ask him about her and concentrated on building our marriage again. But until now I am haunted by the fact that they still see each other. They had a very intimate affair in the past, my husband almost even decided to leave me for her when i found out about them. Nothing changed on their side. Is it possible that they are still on? How would I know? What should I do? How can I assure myself that they stopped?

LonelyPlanet,
You will recieve so much help from this site from experienced members. I can feel your pain. IMHO, your H must stop ALL contact with the OW. That will mean that either he or she will have to leave their work & look elsewhere.
How did you find out about them? Can you continue finding out if they are still "on" the same way?
I am not trained in giving advice, so will just send you some {{{{{LP}}}}} for now. There is alot of love on here to share as well as pain, so just soak up the love, it helps. Also, have you read His Needs/Her Needs. A must read. Are you in Plan A yet? Take care of you .....
WH 52
BS 49
DD 24
DS 22
Married 6th November 1976
D Day #1 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10yrs
Working at staying together forever

Hi Lonelyplanet,

I know it's hard when the WS works with the OP. I know because my WS still works with the OP. Your marriage can survive.

Some people think that the WS should leave the job no matter what, but sometimes there are circumstances that warrant them staying.

Is it easy? No!!!! Would I still want my H to find another job. Yes I would but in the field that he works in, the market is very unstable. Where he is now he has job security.

My H makes every effort to have no contact with OW, I know because he tells me. He has turned down jobs because she would be on them.

It also in someway helps that I also work at the same company but not the same division and I know people would tell me if anything happened.

In the beginning it was very hard, I would get sick to my stomach when I saw her. You have to set your boundaries and your H has to know from you what those boundaries are. What you will accept and won't accept. I told my H that if they ever socialized or took breaks together I would be gone. In the very beginning of recovery he tested me. He failed. I left, when he saw that I was serious and not just talking, he realized what he could lose.

Ideally, yes your H should leave his job, but sometimes this is not possible. I wanted to reply to you to tell you that it can work, it's just sometimes a little harder. The most important thing is, you need to tell him what you will and won't accept and stick to it. If he pushes it, stand your ground do not give in. Your H and OW cannot be friends at all.

Take care

LP--just a couple of points...is the other woman married? If so, you need to tell her husband so that pressure will be brought to bear on her to stay away from your husband. You need her husband on your side in this battle for your familiy. The sooner the better.
Your husband will not want you to do this at all for several reasons (all selfish), but it is a necessary step to save your marriage.
Do you have good friends where your husband works? Is it possible to let them know what has happened so that they can keep their eyes on him?
Otherwise, you need to seriously consider whether his job is worth losing your marriage over. If he leaves you for her, you won't benefit much from his paycheck anyway.
I would have very serious doubts that they would stop having an affair just because you found out. The most common scenario is they just become more sneaky.
I know this is scary stuff but it is the normal pattern in affairs. Usually, one of the affair partners needs to leave the job. Continued contact makes the affair very tempting to restart.
Keep posting and getting advise. There is hope, but your marriage is in a very dangerous position right now.

Lonely Planet...wondering if you are still here and how you are doing?

I would like to express my deepest gratitude to all of you who replied. If words could express how much hurt they've caused me then a thousand dictionary is not enough. I've been dwelling on the fact that my husband cheated on me these past few days. I thought we were doing fine but then it started all over again, he became irritable, aloof and whenever i try to speak it just turns out into a big quarrel. It's a good thing that we do not have kids who would be very unfortunate to see us fight like dogs. My heart is shatterred into pieces. Every night my pillow is soaked with tears. He hears me but he does nothing. I feel he's mad at me for reacting this way but I do not know how to react. I always pray everynight that I should wake up in the morning forgetting everything and seeing the day as another bright day but every morning is just a burden.. a long wait till it gets night time for me to sleep and rest again.

I'm sorry for this letter. I couldn't talk to anybody, my family would kill him if i told them ,it will just make things worse. My bestfriend will just nag at me and I am too shy to tell anyone else. I don't want to leave my husband, I can't. I can also see that he's trying to work things out, if only I could forget about everything and stop crying...

Dear LonelyPlanet,

My H had an A with my best friend. They were really ashamed when I found out and stopped the A immediately. For some months we kept seeing each other socially as we had before, because her H didn't know about the A. My H and my best friend really wanted us all to be friends again and to carry on as if nothing happened.

I cried and cried, couldn't sleep at night, it was terrible to see my H and OW together even if "nothing was going on". But I thought I had to "get over it".

Boy was I wrong. It was killing me to pretend nothing had happened. It was killing me that they were still together like that, even if I was pretty sure the A stopped and they were sorry it ever happened.

After 7 painful months I drew the line - I never wanted to see her again, she had to disappear from our life. Since she still hadn't told her H about the A she would have to tell even more lies to explain why we suddenly cut all contact, but that was her problem, no mine.

My H agreed to this "no contact" though he felt bad about losing the social contact. I thought my God, how can he be so selfish to care more about that social contact than about my feelings? But you know, people who have A's need time to realise just how hurtful their actions were. They tend to minimalise the A so they won't feel too guilty about it.

Think about it - is money worth more to you than a good marriage? It's possible that "financial security" is very high on the list of your emotional needs. But I'm afraid your H still seeing OW more than he sees you, every day of the week, will make it impossible for you to ever feel really safe.

Also, it's as if your feelings, your pain are simply being ignored as everyone carries on like nothing important has happened and they just want you to "get over it" as your pain is "annoying" them.

My opinion on this is very strong: either your H leaves his job, or OW does. The situation as it is now will make recovery unnessicarily painful and a lot longer that it needs to be. Again, if your need for financial security is very great, you might be ready to pay that price. But I can assure you it's a high price to pay.