I got an interesting phone call the other day from the other spouse.

Basically, she called to complain about the no-contact letter that my wife sent to her husband. I don't think she really understood what it was for.

To recap: my wife told the OM on D-Day that it was over. A couple of days later, she saw him lingering around the school yard, waiting to talk to her. She turned her back on him. Then, there was the incident I related earlier, where he asked a co-worker to call my wife and ask if she would speak to him. She refused. After that incident, I asked her to send the NC letter which she had written on D-Day. She happily did so.

As far as I can make out, the my believed that there was no need for the NC letter, since my wife had already told her hubby to stay away. She said that she understands women, and that the letter was simply an attempt to keep her husband hanging on.

She also objected to emails I have been sending to an account jointly used by her and her husband. These emails were directed at him - asking if he had told his wife key elements of what went on. (Like...the fact that HE had someone contact my wife after she asked for NC, and the fact that my wife tried to break up with him once before...but he cried and she took him back.)

The OM complained to me in an email that all of these details were making his life more difficult - and making it harder for him to fix his marriage. The OS said she doesn't want to know the details because she already knows what happened and she knows how her "husband is."

Anyway, I agreed not to send any more emails about the details - in part because I am moving beyond them myself, into a strong recovery. But...I would NOT agree to one of her requests: not to contact her husband at his job anymore.

What I told her is that I will leave him alone UNLESS he contacts my wife. And then, all bets are off. I said that if there is contact, I WILL call him at work, and that I don't care if it gets him fired. I also said that I will tell her if there is contact. (Her husband didn't tell her about the calling incident, because he said he believed it to be "not important.")

Any thoughts on this?

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

Interesting Andrew. Sounds like his wife may be in denial?????? Maybe she wants to stick her head in the sand about the A- even if it were to continue??

Or the OM is a serial cheater and wife already knows everything there is to know. It is strange if i was in her shoes i would want to know what went down.

That's what puzzles me. I needed to know the details, to get my arms around what this all meant for my marriage.

I think the OS is very much in denial: she dumped a lot of this on my wife, who she claims had her sights set on her husband from day one. Basically, she dumped all of this on my wife. The husband's story, initially, was that my wife was coming on to him, and that he eventually wore down.

It was only after I told his wife what I had been told that he admitted some key details: he asked my wife to dance. He kissed her while they were dancing. He had given her a gift the day before.

I'm not excusing my wife's role in all of this. But..I very much believe that the OM - if he indeed has the love and regard for my wife that he claims to have - should tell the truth and protect her reputation as much as possible. He didn't do that until I provoked him into doing it.

I think this guy is a serial cheater. And I think his wife understands that. Getting the details, though, probably forced her to alter a story that she was comfortable with in her mind: that her husband was the victim of a vixen. I imgaine that it's much harder to live with a man when you have to admit to his role as a main actor in making an affair happen - even if he has had one before.

The first thing you say is that you "got an interesting phone call the other day from the other spouse". I must ask...WHY? You don't need calls from the other spouse. I have been in this position for 6 months now and I found out about my husband's affair because the "other spouse" called me. He kept calling me, wanting information, giving information, etc. You need to start working on your marriage with your wife and start moving on. You have told the other man in her life to leave her alone. Now you need to leave both of them alone. Change your phone number if you have to...I did. If that woman does not want to deal with her cheating husband, that is NOT your problem, it is hers. Get away from them, and do it now.

Nobody, thanks for the reply.

Your advice is good, and it's already been set in motion: we are working very hard on our marriage. We've made great strides already.

Still, getting the facts - and making sure that everyone understands them - was an important part of the copingprocess for me early on. The woman that was being described to me, who basically threw herself at this guy, was not the woman I knew. I had to find out whether what I was hearing was true or not.

It's weird to say in a situation like this, but...I care about my wife's reputation. And, I felt that she was taking a disproportionate amount of the blame for this. I don't think it's out of line to demand that the OM tell the truth to his wife.

The OS in this, by the way, was my wife's best friend for a time. It's very complicated. She (the OS) actually accosted me about many of these issues prior to a PTA meeting last month, with a number of allegations that just didn't seem right. In part, my detail emails were a response to the things she brought up during that conversation. I wanted to make it clear to her that my wife, despite whatt she did, is a good person and that she shouldn't shoulder all of the blame.