My wife told me that I have nothing to worry about, in terms of recovery, because she is inacapable of being in love with more than one person at a time. As she explains it, this affair was really about being in love - not about the other guy - and that I was the one she wanted to be in love with all along. In a sense, the OM was a surrogate for what she wanted with me.

(She felt that I had shut her out, for a variety of reasons, and that I didn't want her to love me.)

These last two weeks, I have to admit, have seemed to rekindle something in both of us. She seems very openly in love with me now - and I am a lot more open to that love.

Anyway, I'm curious about this. Have any of you ever been genuinely in love with two people at once? Or can you compartmentalize?

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

Andrew,

Yes! I can say with assurance that I was in love with my ex-gf as well as with my husband for a while. Of course, as my A grew more serious, I fell out of love with my H and more in love with my ex-gf. It's hard to juggle both. But when I first fell in love with my ex-gf, I felt blessed (no flames, please!) to be in love with both of them. They both filled what the other one was lacking, if that makes any sense. With both of them I had exactly what I needed and wanted, and my ex-gf wasn't jealous of my marriage, because she felt pretty secure in my love for her as well. That's all weird, huh?

CC

Andrew:

No, you can't.

Well, if someone having an A says they love 2 people at the same time, they're deluding themselves, compartmentalizing their lives insanely, and they're robbing their spouse of their undivided affection.

Love is a choice, it does NOT "just happen." That's infa2ation, not love. Choosing 2 have an A is not only lying and cheating, it's theft of your ignorant spouse's belief that they're in a monogamous relationship.

So, no, you can't.

-ol' 2long

2Long,

What about being in love with 2 people without an A?? It DOES happen. I know of a few people that were in love with 2 people at one time. Ever heard the song "Torn Between Two Lovers"? It happens.

I TRULY believe that I was in love with 2 people at one time: my H and my ex-gf. Yes, after a while something has to give, and you end up loving one of them more than the other, which is what happened to me. And if you examine the situation, it's not really very loving if you're cheating on your spouse. I understand that. But at the same time, I loved my ex-gf and I loved my H. I wanted them both sexually, and in all other ways too, but that didn't last for too long (maybe a year?). HTH.

CC

If you think you are in love with 2 people you are more than likely in love with yourself IMO

H2O,

Why is that? Can't there be a possibility that you don't get EVERYTHING from one person, and the two people just happen to fill what the other person couldn't?? I think it could happen. I know it could.

CC:

I suppose in an "open relationship" where both your partners know about your relationship with the other, it's "possible". But it doesn't sound particularly rewarding 2 either of your partners. It sounds selfish, just not as selfish as having an A that your primary partner doesn't know about.

I wouldn't want 2 share my W with RM, knowingly, anymore than I consented 2 sharing her unknowingly.

-ol' 2long

2long,

You're right--it's not particularly "rewarding" to be on the receiving end of being in love with two people, even if they're apprised of it! After a certain point, something's gotta give, and you have to make a decision to choose one of them. My initial statement was just that, yes, in my opinion, it IS possible to be in love with two people at the same time. That's all.

CC

Andrew,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife told me that I have nothing to worry about, in terms of recovery, because she is inacapable of being in love with more than one person at a time. As she explains it, this affair was really about being in love - not about the other guy - and that I was the one she wanted to be in love with all along. In a sense, the OM was a surrogate for what she wanted with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to agree with your wife. She recognizes that what she had was not love, but her affair was a dysfunctional way of looking for something she wasn't getting in your marriage. She might not have even recognized what was missing enough to put it in words and ask for it from you or she thought you didn't care enough if she did ask. The fact that she recognizes the affair was about her and not him puts you ahead of the game.

Communication or rather miscommunication wreaks havoc on relationships. My H has a similiar excuse for his affair. He says that I didn't want him and she threw herself at him and he didn't have to even put any effort into her. In my mind, he didn't want me, he had pushed me away time and time again and I backed off because I thought that is what he wanted. If we had communicated the affair probably never would have happened. Miscommunication can take the best marriages and turn them into shambles of hurt and mistrust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have any of you ever been genuinely in love with two people at once? Or can you compartmentalize?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you can be "in love" with two people at once. When you are "in love" you would never intentionally hurt the one you love. When someone has an affair it is intentional and the risk of destroying your family is a known factor. I don't think that you can be "in love" with someone and cheat on them. I think it is possible to feel "love" (as in caring, used to, comfortable with) for your spouse and convince yourself that you don't, even if it is temporary. That is the compartmentalization part. My H used to take off his wedding ring and put it on his turn signal before he would go into the OW's apartment. My counselor says this was him compartmetalizing the affair because he would ritually leave me and our marriage behind before he could go and physically be with her. He was able to seperate himself into two people. The good up-standing moral husband vs the philandering husband.

It sounds like you and your wife have a good chance of a good recovery if you can figure out what went wrong and concentrate on filling those needs for each other. There has to be no contact with OP and good communication and a lot of love.

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> Love is a choice, it does NOT "just happen." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree with this. You can choose to act in a loving way, but you can't just choose to be in love with someone.
Michael

Andrew,

I would have to concur with your wife. And I defy someone in the throes of love and passion with one person to say they are still thinking lovingly and passionately about another person AT THE SAME TIME. You would have to have a multiple personality disorder!

In my case, although I was "crazy" for my OM, I never felt the deep, spiritually-connected love that I had for my H. I wanted to, because I felt I was lacking his reciprocation, but I never got it from the OM because I was still connected in that way to my H.

Thank you all for your perspective.

Booby, I think you are right about compartmetalizing. My wife told me that she took her ring off during the actual act. I think that shows a definite separation - she was stepping outside of the space of our marriage, in a way.

Interesting thread! I, too, agree with Booby about the compartmentalizing. I did it. When I was with my OW, I left my H and family behind (in my mind). When I was with him, I left her behind (although in the end, I couldn't leave her behind, even when I was sexually intimate with him). I still disagree about being in love with 2 people. I know that my feelings for my OW were not just that of a desperate affair. I fell slowly, deeply in love with her, just as I did with my H when we first met. The thing is (and I'm repeating myself)that you can't be in love with 2 people for long. Something's gotta give.

CC

This is important for the "foggy" ones:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think you can be "in love" with two people at once. When you are "in love" you would never intentionally hurt the one you love. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the foggy ones, this doesn't compute, because they don't see themselves as hurting their spouse with their A. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H used to take off his wedding ring and put it on his turn signal before he would go into the OW's apartment. My counselor says this was him compartmetalizing the affair because he would ritually leave me and our marriage behind before he could go and physically be with her. He was able to seperate himself into two people. The good up-standing moral husband vs the philandering husband.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Booby, how interesting for me to read! I lost my wedding ring during my A because I had taken it off before a get-together with my OM. I found it again shortly after the A ended. My H always found that a little spooky.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a sense, the OM was a surrogate for what she wanted with me.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that you'll find that every single WW on this board feels that way.

My take on it is this.
Is it possible. Sure, but not satisfactorily to anyone involved.

You have a love tank of 100%. You give it out.
If you love two people, both of them are getting shortchanged. As the love for one increases (op), the love for the other (spouse) decreases.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ConfusedCheater:


Why is that? Can't there be a possibility that you don't get EVERYTHING from one person, and the two people just happen to fill what the other person couldn't?? I think it could happen. I know it could. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please note*

Your definition of love is very self-centered... what needs ~others~ can fill for you...

Mature LOVE is giving and doing for the one you love, not the other way around.

Pep

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>