Justhurt
I dont think it makes it easier if you dont know the OW.I did not know her.She lives in a different state,my H would tell me nothing about her except she made really good money and wanted him really bad.

So I found out her name on my own.After finding her # again 4months past dday I called her.I asked her what she looked like.My H had given me some discription by this point but not much.I knew she was taller and bigger than me and had red hair.
It drove me crazy wondering what she looked like,every time I saw someone that was about her size I would wonder,does she look thin,does she look fat.To this day I still picture her as perfect.I know really she is not but still I would love to be able to just see her once in person.Just so I could say "Hey she really is not all that,and I dont look so bad compared to her".I know that A's are not about looks but about how the other person makes them feel.

I asked my H if I had an A would he stick around like me.He just looks at me.I know the answer there is no way I would become damaged goods in his eyes.
He did tell me today it had alot to do with lust.This is a break thru,first time I have ever heard this.

All I can say is it takes time.They say it can take a minimum of 2yrs to get over an A.Looks like it will be a little longer for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When I was visiting my husband, where took that job, he would come back to the apartment to drop of the car so I could have it in the afternoon. At that time I knew something was going on, but couldn't pinpoint it. Before I came down he asked me how to use a condom. He can't use them because he is sensitive to latex? If you all need to know I'll tell you later.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ...Anyway, I went to pick him up at work and waiting by the security gate. No one was allowed behind the gates except employees. So as I was waiting, this car drove by me as she was turning out of the gate and gave me this mean dead stare right in the eyes. If looks could kill! I was like; "What the hell was that all about?" Then I thought no way could that be her because she was too ugly. As it turns out, it was her.
In ways I believe it is important to know what the OW looks like. It helped me because I was thinking at first she was a super model when in fact, she could be Jay leno's twin sister. Not very pretty at all. But hey, she had blonde hair with the help of Clariol. It reminds me of the little details. Some people want to know and some don't to move on. I had to know the details. So I can lay it on the table and sort it out.

Ginger, just for laughs, Randy loves redheads!

OK there was another point I was going to add. But I forgot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali~

I think wondering would be awful to. But I know her and I have always thought of her as a little bit trampy. She is thin and has bleach blond hair, Her hair is so bleached that is frizzy. She was always down and out over something. But I was right she is a big tramp. ... He did share with me that she liked to have S**, of which at the time he was not getting from me. He also swore that he used protection every time. Do I believe that? I have a DR appointment next week. I am scared to death about that. I guess we should be glad for little breakthroughs when we get them. and Gingersnap don't compare your self I am sure you are more beautiful then the OW. You have a beautiful and forgiving heart and that is where beauty lies.

OK just for fun here is the comparison of me and OW..................

First she is 11yrs younger than me so she has that on me.
I have reddish brown hair,she has light red hair.I have blue eyes,so does she.
I weigh 105,she weighs about 185.
I am 5'4" she is 5'8".

My H is 5'5" tall,and at the time of the A he had lost some weight putting him at about 145,I would have loved to see them walking hand in hand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I think I would have been tempted to sing that old childs song........"Fatty and skinny went to bed,fatty rolled over and skinny was DEAD"LOL

My H has however put back on all the weight he lost for the A so he aint all that skinny anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I might add he also shaved his face clean,no more facial hair,and started to part his hair differently,later I found out that she hated facial hair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I would love to see her eye to eye just once so I could put to rest the thoughts that I am less than her.

Oh I might add that my H said,and she also said people tell her all the time that she looks like "Ferggie" so her nick name for me became "Fat Ferggie",sorry I like Ferggie fine but I dont think she all that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you are much better than her. The OW is about 5'6" probaly about maybe 120 soaking wet , like chicken carcuis, No body wats so ever, bleach blond hair ( when I new her) always wore alot of necklaces and rings ( none of then with any meaning) just tacky. I am 5'8 weight about 150 ,play softball 3 times a week and work 2 jobs and have 4 kids. I had blond hair but I colored it to a blondish brown with blonde hilights, .. I have 2 good jobs she has one not so good and 2 kids one of which hates her. So what the attraction was, could only be S**.. I mean if you are going to try and trade you should at least trade up... no down. ( I know that is sooooo mean. My H is 6'2" about 210 , while this was going on he got bigger.... maybe eating beacause he was feeling guilty.He has reddish blond hair but shaves his head almost bald. he is cute!!!! I think. I just wonder what the total attraction to her was. I will be the first to admit when some one is nice looking, but when I found out it was her I asked him what he was thinking. But hey we know we are better. because we have morals and wouldn't do what they have done. In the beginning of our relationship be fore we were married, I told him if you ever decide you want to be with someone else do not cheat on me , leave me. It would still hurt but I would know where you stand. We went to Vegas in August, and I thought we had alot of fun, he was his lovey self, but I saw on his cell phone bill he retrevied message on his cell when we were gone. That hurt, and then when we got back on sunday, we played softball and he went out to get Ice Cream , he calls 20 mins later oh, they don't have the Ice cream Your daughter wants , so I am going to the other Ice cream store, there were calls on his cell do 20 min and then after he called home another 10 minutes... I just saw that on his latest bill and had to vent about it, I also noticed on his last bill that in the month of august and september he only dialed her number 7 times all of the rest of the time she called him. That is why I am worried about the message she left at my house..will she stop at nothing, If she leaves another message at my house I am going to lower myself and call her and let her know I will get a trestraning oder for the entire family. Is that a good thing to do?

JustHurt,
I think that is an excellent idea. That is what I told the OW. They seem to understand that. My H. other woman was a cow!!!! heheheheehheehe Not very nice but true. I asked him how he could bring himself to have sex with that. He told me that he asked her to keep as many clothes on as she could. He told her it was sexier that way ROFLMO!!!!!!!!!!! So you see in both of our situations I think it was all about sex. Because we weren't having any. In a way I think it would be easier this way than having them emotionaly involved. I hope they felt cheap and used.
Molly

I asked my H flat out is s** better with her he said, not better differnet... I say why was she like a porno , nasty he said yes.... So yes I am glad that is was just a sex thing, and not emotional..Like I said if you are willing to ruin everything It better be a step up and not down..Don't get me wrong I have my faults to. No to get to personal, but what State are you (gingersnap & molly ) from , I live in California. If you don't want to answer that is ok

Funny Justhurt!

At least it was just sex! Not to down play your situation. Everytime I would ask about the A. He said I felt so damn guilty. I told him obviously not that guilty or he wouldn't be able to get "it" up! Oh so guilty that when she called at midnight to come over he ran right there! PLEASE!

Ali

Wait I am confused here. Did I miss something?
Why is he still incontact with that OW? OK this may not be the best advice. I might get an earful here. But why don't you call the ow? If she will not stop why not ask her personally to back off?
I wish I was more prepared when I called other tramp to find what had happened and why? She was so evil. And of course it was the He said/she game. Who do I believe my husband the liar, or the tramp who also was a liar. OK going off on my own tandrum. Sorry!
She sounds like a real winner there! I guess my husband down graded with the Leno look-a-like. She is about 5.3 and 135-145 pounds. Fake blonde hair with drawn on eyebrows and lots of make up. Some of is shirts were ruined because of all the make up she wore.

Where in California do you live? I have some family over there!
Ali~

JustHurt,
I live in Indiana.
Molly

Ali, he has not contacted her, since the day after d-day to tell her they were done. She continues to call my cell phone, his cell phone , and now our house phone. When she calls my phone, she hangs up when I answer, she has left messages on his phone of which I erase., she left a message on my cell saying she would call back and she never has... she is a coward, only bold on an answering machine., he called me the second he hung up his phone, one day she called him and he answered ( she blocks her number) and she was screaming at him... and he said do not call me... and that was when she called my house and left a message on my home phone. There is no contact and from what I can tell he doesn't want any. I just want her to poof be gone. I live in northern california.

Justhurt,I just moved from CA to AZ.
Where in Cal do you live??

Ok this is bad not to many people know this but I will run the risk writing it here.I got in contact w/OW H it took me 11m to find him.I found out he had been looking for me but did not even know my name he was glad to hear from me.I told him some things I knew that I felt he had the right to know.I also asked him for a favor,to please email me a pic of her so I could see what she looked like he gave me thier code so I could see the family pic they had taken at Sears last yr.
In return he asked if I would send a pic so he could see what my H and I looked like.Well I did.

He told me that his wife had NOTHING on me he said he thought I was beautiful and could not believe my H cheated on me with his W.
I know what a compliment but still in my mind she is perfect.Even seeing her pic and knowing what she looks like I still feel less than her.

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

No way Ginger.

I don't think that was a bad idea. Unfortunately, I hired a PI and I got pictures of the two of them and that is how I found out what old ugly looks like. I had tried calling the tramps husband once and I hung up because I didn't know if I was calm enough. Knowing the state of mind I was in, wasn't going to be very productive. He called my husband about six months ago.

Ginger you sound very pretty and your kind gestures and your help make you a beautiful person.

Ironically, from doing a lot of research on A., usually the ow is not very pretty. I wonder why? Anyway, if she was better looking than me, I'd be gone! Self esteem and my husbands attitude on his whole affair would have made me worse if that is possible.

Justhurt, Apparently she can't take a hint! You know what I did when My H. came home? If you don't know my story he took another job out of state while I had to stay back. Long story. But while he was visiting. I called her on his cell phone. She didn't answer right away. But she called him (me) right away. You should trap her. I know this sounds very bad. But either you or your husband must tell her that it is over. Why does she and how did she get your cell phone # in the first place? It has been a while, if a guy wasn't calling me, I'd take a hint! Apparently that hair dye of hers has seeped into her brain.

Hey Molly, I am in the next state over. We built a house in Carmel. Where abouts do you live?

My family in Calf, is out in the desert.


Ali~

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

gingersnap,

You are so lucky to have gotten the opportunity to have talked to the OW's husband. I think that is sweet that he complimented in such a sweet way. It would almost be some sort of cosmic experience if you and him were to become "friends." OK, I know thats not right but it kind of makes me smile to think about the two of you being able to share your pain. I think that it will help you to put closure to your husband's infidelity by being able to associate a face with the deceit. I admire your detective work and I wish you luck with your recovery.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok this will make you laugh.

When people who know me but not my H and they meet him for the first time always say to me.........."Thats your H" I say yes why,and 9 out of 10 times they say....He is not what I would have pictured you with,I thought you would be married to a 6ft drop dead good looking blonde.I always laugh,I'm not even attracted to blonde's.One girl I worked with could not believe my H and I were married she told someone else.......He is married to "Barbie".I just laugh,funny how people see you totally different than you see yourself.

Still I sit here with very little self esteem or confidence,I see it this way,if my H did not value me enough to protect me and not cheat why should I believe someone else would??

What part of the desert do your relatives live in if you can say on the forum??

Ali,
I live in western Indiana.
Molly

Gingersnap, do not feel less than her... no way. You are a much better person, Your weren't with her H. You will always be better than her.

Ali, I have wanted to do that so bad, call her from his cell... You have no Idea I thought I was crazy for wanting to do that.

Molly, I need to know how you made your husband understand that you need to feel secure when he is away? without them getting mad, I asked my H to call me before he left work last night , I told him I had a Chiropractor appt at 5:30.. so at 6:00 my cell rings as I am walking out and he say's he is almost home, I was Upset, does he not understand how important that call is for my piece of mind. I talked to him this morning and said I want to talk to you about some thing without you getting mad and saying I am always bringing it up. ( of which I am, I can't help it) I tols him I need the calls when he is leaving work, I need to know where he is at, to make me feel secure. I told him when I call him and he is talking to a friend, he needs to hang up with then to talk to me I do that for him. He claims he doesn't know who to do that on his phone, I said I would show him, if all else fails hang up on them and than answer the phone. How hard is that I do it for him. Am I overreacting or what? I sometime feel like he thinks I should be over it and forget it, I am just no there yet. I am sorry for that , I just can't let it go and put it on the back burner yet. Is that crazy, how can I make him understand?

You are not crazy!!!!!!!!!

He needs to realize that the rules of M have changed now.This is what I told my H.That he changed all the rules now he must learn to live by them.

My H is the same he always seems to be able to tell me NO or WAIT but no one else.I told him this must stop,you must put me first.

It will all take time,like I said before I am almost 2yrs post dday and my H still does not get it.He thinks because the A is over everything should be fine.He does not realize the damage this has created.

They are men,they think different I understand that but I feel they owe us this much.After all it is just a common courtesy right!!!!!!!!

You hang in there,you are fine.You are not going to be over this in a month.
Like I told my H this was not a dent in the car and you can just send the car in for repair and then it is all better.It is a huge dent in ME and it will take a long time for the dent to go away but the scar will always remain.

Gingersnap, I like the dent in the car way of putting it... I will try it that way. I guess he feels like I am harping on him and I'm really not every time I approach him with anything I am very nice and calm , where in side I just want to scream how dare you do this to me... now this is something that will be in my mind for a long time, and you just get to move on... that isn't fair. They should feel some kind of guilt when they look in our eyes. don't you think. Can they not see the pain they have caused and that it will be awhile until we forget. ( I will never forget) Can we really ever forget. How do you get your H to play by the new rules?, Some insite would be great. My H is very strong willed likes things his way all of the time, he is an only child, and can be extremely selfish, I am also an only child... but I learened to share. and not always have to be number 1, I have 4 kids I would die for any of them in a second, I guess I want that unconditional love that I have for him and my children , from him. Just to be loved and respected no strings.

JustHurt,
Have you gotten angry with H. about the affair? To his face? He broke the trust and the only way to get it back is earned. Of coarse you aren't there yet. Gingersnap and myself have been in recovery longer than you and we aren't there yet. Give youself time. He needs to show you that he is trustworthy not just try. Whatever it takes. Tell him you may need to dscuss this 1000 times but you didn't put your relationship in this situation.. You didn't cut him open and pull his heart out and step on it. He did yours. It is still an open bleeding sore. He needs some more compassion. How would he like it to change places? For you to come home after being with another man and give him a long slow kiss. Bet it would take a lot of time for him to get over. If he ever would. Do you have children together?
Molly