not sure if you are reading still...

i've been thinking about you both, hoping the test results came back ok, hoping you are making some progress.

would love to hear from you if you are so inclined.

Hello Learning,

The news on the testing good - sorta. My doctor's office left a message saying that the results she had back were negative, but that they may be waiting on more test results. I'm not sure what that means, so I still need to talk them live.

On the SA front, my wife was evaluated by an addiction generalist who doesn't think it's SA. What she actually said was, "..if you are an SA, you're an amateur". Not very reassuring. We're trying to take Cerri's advice and see a Carnes-trained SA specialist, but that's easier said than done. There are only three in our area. One has moved away, one hadn't returned our calls, the third is too busy to evaluate my wife until November 5th. So we won't know for a few weeks.

In the meantime, we're pushing ahead with the steps laid out in the surviving an affair book. Over the weekend, we did the part where the WW makes a full disclosure of her transgressions. My wife answered all my questions in as much detail as I asked for. It was very hard on both of us, but worth the pain to clear the air. We're now officially two days into the "law of protection." We're doing our best not to cause each other any pain whatsoever. I've slipped up a couple of time inadvertantly, but I think we're on the right track.

We're also unofficially implementing the "rule of time" as well. We spend a minimum of 2 hours (usually more) with giving each other undivided attention every day. Doing so helps me a lot. It keeps my mind from drifting down into the dark places, and forces me to focus on my wife -- which I enjoy doing very much. The more I focus on her, the less pain I feel over what she's done.

We are talking more about the good things in our marriage, not dwelling on the bad. And we're taking about our future together -- something we haven't done in some time. We went to a sidewalk cafe for lunch today, and as we sat there waiting for our order, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes, I saw her not as a woman that sneaks off to have sex with strangers, but rather as the woman I have always loved. Feeling the resentment drain away, and the warm feeling of love taking it's place was very satisfying.

thanks for the update, sounds like you guys are doing great. i had IC yesterday, we talked about SA, actually i brought it up but she didn't want to dwell on it much, she did however have a book already out to read to me about addictions in general, including SA. it was to help me lose some of the shame associated with all addictions but for me the fact that it was sex in particular makes the shame so much larger. then we talked a lot about the abuse which occur when i was a kid. and she is having me do an exercise from the workbook based on a book called something about wounded hearts, specifically ambivalance.

was your W abused at all (sexually?)

I've asked her that, and my W says she was never sexually abused.

well that is good, i just thought i would bring it up just in case. i feel like all of a sudden my life is making more sense to me. long road ahead of me though.

i've been praying that all her/your tests have turned out ok.

ironman,

me again...

i hope you don't mind, but it seems you must still be reading around here.

i'm not sure if you know my story much, right now my H only knows of an A with one person from the internet between july 2001-nov 2003.

but the truth is that there were two very short lived As years ago, one while engaged (college friend), one 5yrs into the marriage(co-worker).

and the truth is that between july 2001 - nov 2003, although the one person was the person i was with the majority of the time. i met many others from the internet, 9 in all, what occured ranges from very little to everything.

and the truth is one other person i was with was not from the internet but a 20yr friend of ours. (a person i first met in college who became a good friend and golfing buddy of my H).

and i want to tell him all this on friday.

i want to finally tell him about me and about our marriage. i want to let him in on his life. and i am praying he will not leave. and i am praying he will not crumble.

given your scenerio... do you have any advice??