Sorry all I am new here and I posted my story in the wrong place...if you could please go to resolving conflict and read husband cheated need advice please I could use all the help I can get! Thank you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi, I've never done this before but I really need some advice. I have been married for 17 yrs. and we have three beautiful children together. I am 39 and my husband is 36. I found out about 2 and 1/2 months ago that my husband was having an affair. Talk about devastated! I didn't even realize that anything was wrong. We both work full time and between work and the kids I guess it would be pretty hard to see this. He met the other ow while on the job. The company he works for has a contract with a apartment complex in the area and she approached him. When I found out and confronted him with the evidence of course he denied it. But after he could no longer do that he said it was because I was not giving him the attention and affection that he needed. The affair continued so I called the ow and talked to her to find out how long it had been going on, she said she didn't know he was married until a couple of days before I called her. She said it had been going on for about a month. I asked her if she was prepared to give him a place to live and she said if need be she would.I asked her if my husband knew this and she said yes. So I kicked him out. But the next day as soon as I arrived at work he called and asked me to come home to talk. When I got home he told me he was sorry and that he didn't want our marriage to end. He said he loved me more than anything in the world and asked me to please not give up on him. So I gave him a chance only later to find out the affair was still going on. So this time I left. My family lives 6 hrs away from where we do so I packed my things and went to be with them. Of course he came to get me the next day. So this went on a couple of times and every time he came to get me. But the affair had not ended. She instant messaged me telling me that my husband loved her. At this point it has been 2 months since I found out and I was tired of dealing with it so I called him at work and told him to come home and get his stuff and leave. I had already packed it.At this point he told me he didn't have anywhere to go. So 10 minutes later he comes home and I told him it was me or her and 2 hours later after alot of discussion he e-mailed her telling her it was over. It has been 2 weeks of no contact with the ow but the problem is his company is working in the apartment complex where she lives...he says that I have nothing to worry about but I can't get past this. I worry all the time and he is not very supportive right now. He tells me he loves me and we have been sleeping together through all of this. Why is he not able to be supportive of my feelings? is it to soon after he told her it was over? I am not understanding any of this. If anyone has any thoughts they would be greatly appreciated! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope you do not mind me coping it over here.

Every thing you wrote sounds very familiar. Have you decided what you want? Please read up on Plan A . Do you have a plan on how the two of you can spend more time together?

I know you feel like your whole world just fell apart. It is the same story for many of us. My H had an affair 4 years ago. Your marriage can recover. You can survive an affair.

Start reading Dr Harley's books. Start a plan A and figure out your H's emotional needs.

You can still have a very good marriage. It can be a more mature marriage. One that can survive the trials of life. I know the fantasy marriage is gone, but the new marriage can be wonderful. You are going to be going thru many feelings over the next two years as you recover. It does take time, but it can be an even better marriage than before. Give it a try.

Maybe you and your family could move closer to your family. No contact with the OW is essential. Read about the fog too. He will also likely be withdrawling from the OW, just like someone who withdrawls from a drug. Read the general welcome.

It is going to be alright.

listener48, thank you so much for copying I couldn't figure out how to do it lol. Yes I have decided what I want after spending 17 yrs. with this man my heart is broken, yes but I want to save my marriage. I still love him with everything I am and I am having a very hard time with all of this. Will it take time for him to warm back up to me? we haven't stopped anything through all of this so I know the feelings are still there where he is concerned but he blames me. Is this why he is having such a hard time supporting my feelings? Thank you for listening.

Sounds typical to me. So what are his needs? Do you think you have been meeting them? Is he open to councelling? What is your plan for spending more time together?

Try these for a start on what you both want out of marriage:
Emotional Needs Questionaire
Love Busters Questionaire

I am a huge fan of these questionaires. They are great for starting conversations. Though one rule my wife and I have is if we feel any anger during our conversation it ends there until we cool down.

I th8nk that I have been meeting his needs...I am not so sure about before the affair but since I have gone back to doing the things I wasn't before.He says he knows that I am sincere in doing these things but he feels as though I am doing them to appease him. I don't feel that way. I am just trying so hard to save my marriage. He and the kids are my world!!! I have been trying to get him to go out and do things with me and for some reason he says he doesn't feel like going out. Is this a part of the withdrawl?

Yes that is part of withdrawel. Now the hard part is to keep asking. You could always fill out The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory . It is a nice long list of things to do. Have you been able to set up a date night yet?

I think that I have just about got him convinced to go away for the night tonight. We had a pretty good night last night after we had a terrible fight the night before. I am hoping that all goes well this weekend. He seems to be ok. He was a little cranky this morning. But otherwise he seems ok. I am hoping that the ow hasn't stopped and bothered him at work but if she has I have to trust him enough to know he will tell her to get lost. He gave me his word and told me I just have to trust him. So I am trying. Thanx for all your help I really appreciate it.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: sweets39 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that I have just about got him convinced to go away for the night tonight </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope this means the two of you are going out with out the kids!!!

It was good to hear you had a good evening.

Since he has a contract with this apartment complex is the contract up soon? If not can he be moved to another job? My experience on this website and in life tells me that it is very hard for the wayard spouse(WS) to actually ignore the person they cheated with. It would be much better if he could be moved to another job if at all possible.

I had another thought if his job is a customer relationship type of job is there someone else this female can talk to. I am trying to come up with ideas were you husband(H) cannot make up an excuse why he had to talk to her.

Did you printed out the questionaires?

Listener48, Hi...Yes, it will be without the kids my kids are 16,14 and 12. They all know what has
been going on so I know they won't mind. My husband does construction so the contract they have with the complex is an ongoing thing. This has been his job for over 12 yrs. So I don't feel comfortable asking him to quit. Especially since we would hurt very bad financially if he did. I work full time but I don't make alot of money. i don't think that she really had anything to do with his job because none of his friends at work new what was going on. And they work very closely together. We are very good friends with his boss and his wife and they didn't even know what was going on. But now his boss tells me he reminds my husband every day to be on his best behaviour. So I really don't think that she will try to have contact with him during work. But I still worry anyway. He will be laid off for the winter soon so maybe that will help.After we had gotten into the fight the night before last I had actually thought that I sent him straight to her. So I got worried and talked to him last night ,asked him if he went to her and he said no. No to know my husband he gets very angry when accused of something he isn't doing and gets very quiet when he is accused and is doing something. He got very angry at me for asking that. So I have to say he was telling the truth. I have put all my trust into God through this, I have been praying nonstop that he guide me in the right direction and every thing points into not giving up on my husband. I have to learn how to trust. It is hard but I am really trying.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: sweets39 ]</small>

Hey Listener...SET BACK! I called him on his cell at work just to say hi and he wasn't very nice to me...so I asked him if he thought about tonight and he said he didn't feel like doing anything. I told him that I thought it would be a good idea that we could have a great time and his response was you think that everything is a good idea. The only thing that I can figure is that he saw the ow. Maybe she rode by on her way home or something. I know that him working there is not a good idea but what do I do? his job is the big part of our income. Of course I got upset at the way he responded to me and I said I love you and hung up. Only to call him back and tell him that now he is pushing me away. I asked him if that was what he wanted and he said no. So I told him that he had better think about the way he has been treating me then and start treating me like his wife. Then I said I love you again and hung up. I hope that I did the right thing. But then again what is the right thing anymore. All I feel like doing is running because I am feeling big time rejected! I also told him that if this is the way it is going to be then I don't want it. I probably shouldn't have said that. Any suggestions on what to do now?

well I am beside myself...got home from work and he had already been home showered and left. It is 7 am and I haven't heard a thing from him. He has his cell turned off. He left money on the dresser in the bedroom. But didn't take any of his things. I don't know what to think and I feel as though I can barely breathe. The work vehicle that he drives is at the shop and I have our vehicle so someone picked him up. I don't know what to think...except that he took off and isn't coming back. My finances are a mess and things are about to get shut off. I don't know what to tell my children and they are asking. I have no-one to talk to and I feel really alone right now. Any suggestions?

Wow, I am so sorry to hear all of that!

Honestly the only thoughts I have is she picked him up. What confuses me is he left everything behind. What about calling any of his coworkers or friends? Lets pray he simply went for a long walk to clear his head.

Is there anything you could do with your kids today. Leave a note, sound happy, and take off. I know it feels impossible to leave the house right now, but focusing on your feelings will make the roller coaster ride your feelings are on even worse. In other words get out of the house even if it is to simply walk around the mall or to go hiking.

I don't know what to do...it is now 3:00pm and he has been gone since 3:00pm yesterday. So many things are going through my head right now. I am just so tired!!! Truthfully I think that I am done. I just need to figure out what I am going to do. I got his cell phone records and he didn't have any contact with her until monday. So I don't know what to think. My husbands boss thinks that I need to take a ride to her place. I am scared to do that. Anyway her phone has been disconnected since yesterday. I know this from the cell phone records. I don't know what to do. Would he take off without even his clothes? he didn't take anything not even underwear. And I know that he only has about 200.00 unless he has money that I don't know about. Well just some of your thoughts would be appreciated. Oh...his boss says that he was supposed to work today and didn't even call him. What should I do if he comes back? should I kick him out? I don't know. Thanks for your input. I think that I am going to file a missing persons report. And give the police her address then they will check and see if he is there. Also I will cover my butt when it comes to claiming abandonment. How can I still love him. It doesn't even bother me that he might be with her. I am just so worried!!!

Aww, Sweets, so sorry to hear of this happening to you. It just plain sucks.

Have you heard yet from WH?

I think you can relax and not worry about whether he's come to any physical harm. I think you would have heard something by now if he was in an accident or something. No, more than likely your hunch is right that he's with her.

He showered and left, hasn't called, left money on the dresser (for the bills he won't be paying anymore?), and her phone is disconnected? I guess I'd be more worried that they've left for parts unknown.

As terrible as this is when it happens to you, it is all part of the Wayward Spouse hand book and has happened to others. Though you don't know what the outcome will be yet, you are smart to take actions to cover you and the children legally.

By all means, file the police report. Tell them of his "girlfriend." let them find him with her and tell you about it.

Keep posting here. It is usually slow on weekends, but hang in there.

~ Snow

well snowbelle...just what I didn't want to hear. I filed the police report and they are supposed to be going over to her apartment. I know my husband well and I just don't think he would go without telling me he had no trouble telling me anything during this whole situation. I am having trouble doing anything other than waiting by the phone. The police said they would call either way. He didn't take ANY of his things. I just don't get it. Didn't even call his boss. Everything just seems so strange. Let me know if you have any more ideas. Thanks for answering...do you think that there is any chance he will come back?

There is always a chance. But not until he gives her up. You need to look at her like an addiction and treat it as such.

I truely do hope he is alright!

thanx listener...I will remember that. I always thought that anyway...his friends seem to think that I need to act like I don't care, pack his things and go from there. His one friend of 25 yrs. said that they were talking the other day and he was saying how lucky he was to have us...and that we were trying to work things out and then this..I don't understand. what do you think? do I need to act like I don't care and see what happens. He must not want to dothis otherwise I feel that there would have been a goodbye note-e-mail phone call or something. Any advice is appreciated. I think that he is ok because his friend said he called him and left a message.

It was good to hear that he is all right.

You need to read up on Plan A and Plan B . These are laid out by Steve Harley. Plan A is a set amount of time, only you can decide the amount of time, were you element all Love Busters (LB) and meet as many of his Emotional Needs (EN). That is were you need to start. He is defenaitly in the fog of an affair. He can justify just about anything right now as long as he can have both you and this other female, that is what the fog is. How long it takes him to get clear of the fog is any ones guess. Yes there are wayward spouses (WS) that are on these forums and they are amazed they were able to do some of the stuff they did.

After you read the above articles what is your plan?

I don't know what my plan is...I still haven't heard from him and My mother-inlaw and I took a ride to her apartment and she has moved. So I have no idea even where to look for him and as long as he doesn't call or come home I don't think there is a good chance of anything. I am just wondering if he will come to his senses and finally see what it is that he is doing. I think I plan to pack his clothes and wait for him to come and get them. I wrote her an e-mail telling her what I thought and no I wasn't nasty,lol. But I would have liked to be. Just not me. I can't even find a bone in my body that hates him right now. Why is that? I took a couple days off of work to try and figure out what I am going to do.
I have everything due this week and the 300.00 he left me just won't even begin to take care of it all! That might pay one bill. So we'll see. His friend said that he was just telling him about how much he loves me and then this...I don't understand. Oh well thanx for being there for me and helping me along. I already read about plan a and plan b but I will do it again.