Hey Listener...Well he didn't come home or even call. Don't know if he went to work either. I guess there is just nothing that I can do to stop this. I am not going to kick him out though. He is going to have to go on his own. I hope that all is well your way...Have a great day!!!

I am so sorry for these turn of events! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

(((((((Sweets39)))))))))

I agree with you now, after what he just pulled. Since he is that deep in the fog a Plan B is probably in order. Personally I would start a new thread with a title like "Need to start Plan B please help writing letter". I should not help with this since the Plan B I went through we both agreed upon it completely. I can not completely relate any more.

How sure are you this is not part of a midlife crisis? Not that it makes much of a difference. It would just be good to know all that is going on.

I WOULD NOT MOVE YOURSELF! This would cause more problems in the future then help your short term problem. Also he is so deep into the fog he actually voiced plans to move in with OW. Though there is no evedience of that happening at home. Not sure how to guess what is going on in his head about that.

Personally I would not goto Plan B for another week, because there is a lot that needs to be done before you take that step to protect yourself.
1) Protect your finances
2) A Plan B letter that will make since to him and to you, and has minimum number of LB's
3) Someone you trust to be the go between for the two of you so there is no contact
4) Make sure this is truely what you want, pray and if you trust your mother-in-law talk with her about it
I know there is more, but not dealing with it directly I cannot think of them all. By any chance do you have the money to call the Harleys? It is $185, but worth every penny to save your marriage!!!!!! Counseling & Coaching Center
Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
or
e-mail (counsel@marriagebuilders.com) an appointment request by completing the form below.

Listener....He called me this morning telling me he was calling to say that he wants us to start over. I am not sure what that means exactly...but he will be home after work to talk. I think I can trust my mother in law...it wasn't him who said they were going to move in together it was the ow. She told his mother that. She said that someone needs to tell him he has to choose. i think the ow is worried. So I am being optimistic. Tell me what you think. We got married when he was 18 so I think that it is very possible that he is going through a mid life crisis. Hope to hear your thoughts. Thanx

This sounds good. I would write down two letters for two different scenerios. It is not necessary for you to show him these letters.

1) He wants to stay in the house and work on marriage

2) He wants to move out and see what life brings him

Under those two conditions what are your boundaries?
1) No contact
2) If agree to no contact go for 100% transparency
3) MC counselling
4) etc.

What promises can you give him to work on? I am sure there is other stuff, but that you need to decide.

I am sorry I need to get back to work!

that's ok....I am working too. I wil try and think of some things but I know that right now he is going to have to get rid of the cell phone...that is a given...but I don't want to make demands I worry that will drive him away. I will be able to tell if he is lying again. I have watched and observed him very carefully through this whole thing. I have grown accustomed to the way he has been acting each time that he lies to me. So if things are the same then I know that he is lying. It is going to be hard to bite my tongue
and not say anyting but I kept true to my word last night and I didn't call and bug him.

Maybe that is what did it. I left one message saying that I had brought home pizza for dinner and that I would see him later. And when it got to be later and later I just went to bed. Go figure...I slept really good last night for a change. I really missed him though. Oh well will keep you informed as to what is happening. Thanks for your time.

They are not exactly demands. They are what you need to feel safe and for him it is a jesture to show he is serios. Of course that is the trick, tell him x y z without LBing. Hard to do, but neccessary.

Well Listener...he stayed home all weekend...He actually started asking me questions that makes me think that he is coming out of the fog a little. Questions like if I am causing you so much pain why do you put up with it. Why do you love me....etc. I think that he is starting to realize what he has done. He said he just wants things to be normal again whatever that means. Let me know what you think...thanx

Sweets39,
I prayed for you as I read your post and all of the following posts about how you are allowing your husband to devalue and mistreat you. I havent read the book Plan A or Plan B, but I do know that you need to value yourself more and put an end to the way you are allowing your husband to walk in and out of your home at will. I know you have been married a long time and I know that it is hard raising kids alone; but I also know that it can be done. I left my first husband after 8 years of marriage, when my three children were 1, 3 and 6 years old because he too found some other woman who drew his attention away from his home. I educated myself through financial aid and scholarships and raised my children who are now 12, 13 and 19. My ex-husband gave me no support for my children, but my 19 year old is in college and maintaining a 3.4 gpa, my 12 and 13 year old are straight A students and I now have a Master's Degree in Computer Science and have a very good job. Also, I married my second husband last year and he loves my children as his own and treats me with the respect that I deserve. You see, I finally realized that my first husband was treating me with disrespect because I didn't love myself well enough to not tolerate his abuse. There are all kinds of abuse and right now you are enduring emotional abuse. The reason why your husband asked you why you were tolerating his abuse is simple... his question is yet another way to abuse your mind by subliminally saying to you that he knows that your self esteem and self-worth is almost all gone. He knows that you love him more than you love yourself and he is laughing inside believe me. Stop allowing your husband to enter and leave your house when he feels like it and take charge of your life. Get up today, don't think about where your husband is or whether he is coming home, style your hair and put on your best outfit and have a date with yourself. Do something you enjoy each day. Move closer to your family or go out and find a close friend or a church to find support so that you can put an end to this madness. You and the other woman are fighting over a man who is playing mind games with the both of you. Let her have him, you can do it. When I left my first husband I cried every night for one year but I made it and now I am fine. You can do it and God bless you in your journey.

So did you get the cell phone from him? Did he promise no contact? Is he going to allow you to his were abouts 24/7? What excuse did he have for not going to work?

Basically what are you doing to help him beat this addiction he has. Were you able to work out a plan with him over the weekend to rebuild your marriage?

The above poster has a point. What boundaries did you set? How is your self esteem?

Well Listener..My self esteem is great!!! No problems there...my husband still tells me how beautiful I am all the time and I don't think any different other than I don't think that I am beautiful but I do think that I am ok. I haven't really discussed any demands yet am trying to fill his love bank a little more before I do. He did go to work. I am having trouble with the ow e-mailing me now. I told him about it yesterday and he wasn't very happy. I think maybe he hasn't had any contact. Because she seems mad. But until I know that she is gone I will not make any demands. I am just going to sit back and see what happens. He said last night that he doesn't want to lose me and I told him that he better do something before something bad happens. I keep thinking that she might try and trap him I hope not. She is only 27 yrs. old. But that doesn't bother me because I have been told that at 39 I still only look to be in my 20's. well anyway we had a good weekend and I will just try and hang in there. Have a great day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is great news. It sounds like the affair is starting to lose that magic feeling.

Save the emails somewhere. On the chance this women is nuts and you need to get a restraining order. It does happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> though I personally don't get it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said last night that he doesn't want to lose me and I told him that he better do something before something bad happens. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He cannot read your mind! Tell him what you need for you to start building trust. Conversation is the key. Read up on The Policy of Radical Honesty and The Policy of Joint Agreement or POJA

Hi Listener...I will read those when I can. I have been real busy at work. He told me last night that he hasn't talked to her & I know that he hasn't seen her because he has been home with me. When I got mad about the e-mail on Sunday I told him to get out and he said why...I told him I was tired of all of this and he said who am I with...We ended up having a very nice day and everything seems to be going ok. Well I have to get to work.thanx again for all your help.

How was your week?

Sorry for not posting earlier. Life has caught up and it looks like I will be rather busy until late December <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Gota love life. Ohhh will at least it is the fun type of busy.

I've been on a big roller coaster ride...He lied to me and his mother..he is still seeing her . I am just so tired! We were talking last night and he asked what if we get a divorce will you move on I said no and I also told him he wouldn't be getting a divorce from me...ever... well he woke up this morning acting as if nothing happened I ignored him and he kissed me anyway and left a message at work. I don't know what to think anymore so I don't think that I wil be posting anymore. Thanx for all your help I really appreciate it!!! Good luck with everything on your end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: sweets39 ]</small>

Hi Listener..I just have an update. It has been a crazy two weeks and I finally said enough is enough. I put his stuff outside last night. I don't know what else to do. Thank you for all your help but it looks like he is really in love with this woman. If he could constantly leave his family,,not answer his phone and totally ignore the fact that the finances and everything else is falling apart then I guess he should have her. Take care and don't work to hard

(((((sweets39)))))

I am sorry to hear that! I hope you are strong enough to go through with it this time. Who knows he may realize what he has lost. Though now he should have to prove for weeks if not months there has been no contact before you even consider letting him move back in.

Though if that is not going to happen please protect yourself and your kids!

I am having the hardest time of my life...I almost wrote him an e-mail and stopped myself. I don't think that he will be coming back...I think he would have done it by now. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do. But I am having a really hard time functioning. I can hardly believe that this has actually happened. Why did he not at least call if not me his children? He called his mother and she thinks that this is not over yet...she said that he didn't sound to happy. But I think that I have just given him to her. As long as he was here at least it was hard for him to leave and I still had an edge. Now it may be over for good and that is the hardest thing to accept! I just wish I had someone that I could really talk to here! My kids are crying...I am trying not to but seeing them cry hurts me to bad. I don't quite no what to say to them. I tell them that he loves them but they don't believe it because of his actions. Could it be that he doesn't contact any of us because he does still care? I don't know what to think anymore. Oh well only time will tell. Take care and thanks for taking the time to answer me.

I was crying for days afterwards. My boss ended up sending me home one day since all I was doing was crying in front of my computer. I felt like such a freak. But you learn to cope. Though like you I used every slim excuse I could find to contact my wife. The people on this board understood, but still yelled at me.

Did you write a Plan B letter so he knows how you feel. But also knows what he needs to do before he comes home? Is your mother-in-law willing to be the go between for now? Remeber he is living in a fantasy world right now. Everyone puts up a front when they are first dating. It is only a matter of time before he realizes the grass is not greener on the other side.

So what are you going to do for yourself? Go get a message, medicure, pedicure, or any other of that female stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , sorry I just am not up on all that stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously though go do something for yourself.

Is there a pastors wife you can talk to? It sounded like you were friends with the bosses wife you could always ask her if she is willing to listen, though this could put a strain on things in the future if she is not used to listening to people. Personally I would call the Harleys here on the website if at all possible.
Scheduling an Appointment

Hi Listener...yes I did write a letter and put it with his things. Don't know if he got it. But when I got to work this morning there was a message from him on my phone. He didn't sound to good. I hope that this is a good sign. Anyway I will try my best not to give in this time. But how long should I let that go on before I give in if he does ask to come back home? Besides I was told by a lawyer that since both our names are on the deed that if he wanted to come back in the house I couldn't stop him. If that should happen what do I do? thanks for all your help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

About him forcing himself into his house because he is on the deed. That is beyond me no experience with it, I guess all you can do is take your layers advice.

Him not sounding good is good for the marriage, but sucks for both of you in the short term.

So does he know what the criteria is before he can move back in with you? If he does then when he full fills all of it that is when he can move in. If he is sleeping at her place is there any way he can move out of there and somewhere else for a time being. Extended stay hotels are usually around $1000 for a month, that is a lot of money, but it is an idea. Unless he is sleeping at his parents house.