If you suspect your mate is having an affair, would you go through their personal stuff to find proof?

Phillips,

Sorry you need to be here. I guess it depends on what reasons are raising your concerns.

I would say YES. You can start with his/her cell phone bills and email.

If you just ask him/her they will deny it.(.99% of the time)

k

As the WW I say yes. I've never been one to go through my H's things and he's never been one to go through mine. That being said, he should have checked.

7

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Yes Phillips go thru his things. Just be careful and make sure you have proof before you confront him. Do not give away your secrets in an angry outburst. He'll only learn to hide things better and call you crazy.

Why do you suspect?
Danneill

No, I confronted him first. He didn't want to give me too much detail and that's all the proof I needed. I immediately found an MC and signed up for Retrouvaille. After that I went through everything. Luckily (?) he didn't really try to hide it. Read everything you can on here about Plan A and B and post any questions you have. Sorry you have found yourself here.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am really frustrated.

Danneill - There are so many reasons for me to suspect that he is doing something that he does not want me to find out about. He has started to carry a backpack around with him with toiletries in it. His excuse for that was that he went over to his friend's house to help him with some construction work and needed to get the day's grub off of him before he started.

He went for a motorcycle ride last weekend and took two helmets with him. His excuse for that was that he needed two helmets in case one was stolen. When he went on his motorcyle trip he locked the door to his truck that was parked in the garage and he usually even leaves the window down. (This was when I became very curious about what was in there and went in the house, found the spare key and happened upon the backpack full of toiletries for the first time.) He does not know that I did this and I am certain he does not realize I have a spare key.

While I was trying to arouse his nipples one night he said, "Let's see if you can do it like . . . " Then he stopped and refused to finish the sentence.

He has constant angry outbursts toward me for no apparent reason.

He keeps planning trips to be away from the house and he says it is with this friend or that friend but I am never invited.

His last trip he called me and cried that we would never take separate vacations again and then when he returned home he told me about the next trip that they had planned.

Yikes as I type this, I feel like a real fool.

Thanks again.

You are NOT a fool Phillips. If he is guilty he is the fool.
How long have you been together? Have you ever had reasons to suspect before?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> took two helmets with him. His excuse for that was that he needed two helmets in case one was stolen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would a thief only take one?

What does your gut tell you? Have you had other issues in your marriage?

Confronting him now is a gamble. 99% of them deny and continue to do so. lbc's husband was not the norm. I am very happy for her that 1 1/2 years later she is not in my position. I still don't know the truth.
On one hand if you confront him now and he fesses up then read all you can on this sight and seek the pro's. I'm no pro, just been there done that.

On the other hand if he does not confess, then he is made aware that YOU are aware.

There are many ways to try and get proof. For your own sanity.
Let me know if you need help with that.
Best wishes and a hug for you
Danneill

Did you read about Plan A, love busters, and emotional needs? It's time to get to work! And look for an MC, too.

Phillips,
I'm sorry you've found us under these circumstances.

You're getting pretty good advice.

I know you're going nuts right now...you're anxious..you don't know what to do. You're reading here, and you're playing these over and over in your head.

You going to be having some pretty hard times ahead of you, but get grounded here...it will help you SO much.

I'm sure he's up to something. It sounds like his tearful cry home may be something significant. I know, this happened to me... almost identically, but I won't get into detail because I don't want to hurt you further. If you need me to tell you I will, but you won't like why I got that teary phone call.

Please keep posting, I'll be looking out for you.

How bout cell phone bills ? Computer tracking..emails ?

We'll help you.

I'd confront on those things alone but I'd like to have a better idea of who the AP might be. I'd suggest hiring a PI when he's on one of his trips. Does he have a cell phone? Can you get to the record of calls either online or by seeing the bill?

Here's a list of Ten Red Flags that might be helpful.

Now is the time to be very proactive since it sounds like the affair is pretty new.

C

Click on the link in my signature line.

I have another piece of advice: if you suspect he is using the computer to contact anyone else, install a keystroke monitor. You would be surprised what you will find out. They run $30- $100 on the internet for download. I did. I was suspicious of WH about a classmate at college. Came to find out he and the classmate seem to be just drinking buddies of opposite sex...but he was having PA/EA with my sister-in-law. I had never suspected.