My husband works out of town a lot.... this last time he was gone for 7 months in Venzula. 2 days after he got home, he told me he had an affair and that she was more like a wife than a girlfriend. He really loved her, blah, blah. We have been married 11 yrs, and have 4 kids. This is is second affair - the last one was 6 yrs ago. He does not want a divorce - either do I - I want to keep my family together. Right now though, he just keeps tellling me over and over how special she is, how she saved him from horrible things that happened at work, etc. He says he just can't let go. They email (I have a program to monitor his emails etc) and I know he calls her. He has ideas about bringing her here to the USA (to give her a chance in life) - he has a "rescue fantisy". I have told him that is where I would draw the line. But what do I do now while he continues to have contact with her? While he emails her, calls her?

Cat,

First, welcome.

I'm no expert, but...if my wife had refused to end contact with the OM, I doubt our marriage would have lasted.

No Contact is symbolic as much as it is practical.

On the one hand, it's very hard to work out the problems in your marriage when your spouse is still emotionally attached to both the OP and to the affair itself. That's something I've learned these last couple of weeks: the A is as importnat as the people in it. It takes on a life of its own, and those involved will go to great lengths to protect it.

On the other hand, No Contact is an important symbolic step, because it shows that the WS IS willing to work on the marriage. It's a leap-of-faith that is taken by both parties.

Thiws is just my opnion, but...I'd say not to back off on your demand that ALL contact is severed. Certainly, bringing her to this country would be a huge mistake.

cat,

My husband works for a large oil service company. I have lived in Venezuela three separate times. Let me share this with you: I have seen more marriages be destroyed in that country than any other foreign nation I lived in (7). Why? Well the Venezuelan girls are very pretty for one thing...they dress incredibly sexy especially for work. But the number one thing...is they are ALL looking for a ticket out of Venezuela and will latch onto American men and NOT let go!

You have a couple of choices since a typical exposure will not work for you. CALL HIS BOSS. I don't care if it puts his career at risk! I don't care if he gets angry...and you can ask for his help in transferring your husband. Believe me, if you don't act...it won't matter whether your husband has a career or not...because this girl will NOT give up. OR...move to Venezuela!!! I lived there...it's beautiful and now that the government has become stable again...it should be fine. The American school there is great. Why are you living apart?

Thanks Starfish - he is done with his assignment there and back here at home. He just says he is having a hard time letting go. I feel like you do - that she just wants a ticket out of the country and has latched onto him. All of his buddies that worked with him got involved with a woman down there - from what he says - they are all over the place just looking for "rich" American men. My husband is stupid - he thinks he is "in love" and they had something special. He does not want to leave me and has said that over and over, but he says his is "so grateful" for the fact that she helped him through a rough period that he has to at least do something for her. I know he has already given her money and also promised her mother to get her out of there. Of course, her father wanted to kill him. she is 26, he is 47. Yes - I have seen pictures (he showed me) and she has a great body. He is just still in that "in love" phase - their affair lasted 6 months. I have told him that if he brings her here - its over. And he has even said he knows it would not work in the long run with her - but he just needs time to get over her. I am just standing back and watching what happens - but it kills me.
Also - there is a chance he could go back for a 3-4 year assignment in which the whole family could go. I am very nervous about that - just becaseu there is no way I could trust him to be in the same country with her and not be with her.
I am hoping that she gets tired of waiting on him and drops him. Her emails have already slowed down. I am assuming that is how those women are - if one man does not pan out - they move on to another.
I just want this feeling of desparation that I have to end. I hate feeling in competition with this 26 yr old. ( I am 45). Although, all the stress has allowed me to lose 20 pds and I look better than ever. A plus to this whole thing! I am glad I found this website - and plan of finding a few of the related books to read.

catgirl,

Okay....who knows about this affair? Have you exposed it at home yet? To his parents, his siblings? The pastor of the church? If not...start putting some pressure on this. And enlist the help of her father if you can. Send him a picture of your children.

click on the link in my signature line and read the Plan A links... and listen to Starfish.

There are not that many people to tell.. both of his parents are dead and I just would not feel comfortable telling his sister. Most of his close friends know - he told them. I think they are on my side - and think he should give her up. So that's a plus. He does not react well to ultimatiums -so I want to hold off as long as I can before I resort to that. At this point, I have told him that if he brings her here - its done. He knows how much I hurt. I have her email but he does not know I do (i only have it via spy software) So I can't really write to her. I think he is leaning to ending it soon from what he says and what he writes in his emails. She is the one that keeps aksing for money for a passport. But, right now, he is out of work and we do not have any extra money - he knows that.
I just want her gone and out of our lives!

evening Cat,

Can I ask how long he has been back?

John,
He has been back for 5 weeks. After reading the material on the site here - I realize he is going through withdrawel. He told me after he had been back for only 3 days. He is not as depressed as he was in the first few weeks and we have had some fun together. But he is just still hanging on, I guess it will just take soem time. He is waiting to hear where he will go for his next assigment - (he's a construction engineer) - and it will most likely be away - which could complicate things more. I just want to get him away from her, before he leaves again.