My husband moved 3.5 hours from me due to a job relocation 8 months ago and I stayed behind to finish up the family business contracts for the year. Well, 7 months ago he told me that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. That night he packed up his things and left for his apartment 3.5 hours away. During this time, I was constantly trying everything to get him to realize that we were still in love with each other. After 5 months of this, I finally came to the realization that he and I were headed for divorce. So I decided that I was going to go on with my life. 3 months ago, he told me that he wanted us to be a family again, wanted to come back and have children. I took him back without a plan (I wish that I had come across this website earlier). The first weeks were wonderful, he and I were getting to know one another again. But 3 weeks after all that he informs me that he had an affair. I asked him whether it was over and he said yes! This brought relief to me and I told him that he needed to cut all contact with her (no emails, phone calls, her friends, etc.). I didn't think it was unreasonable. He couldn't understand why he needed to cut all ties with her because they were friends. I know that I should have demanded that he cut ties, but I didn't and now I'm living the consequence.

As time progressed, we were living our lives as though we were headed towards just knowing one another-we would talk everyday about our lives; work, what we did, what we wanted to do in the future but we never talked about what led him towards having the affair. Whenever I would bring this up, he would just shut down - he said that all I ever want to do is talk.

No matter what I did to trust him, there was always some nagging feeling that he was still having the affair. Well, my instinct came true this past Tuesday. This past weekend, my husband and I had a wonderful weekend together - we just hung around and talked to each other. He had told me that he was going to be working late Tuesday night because of a client. I told him okay. Well, after I came home from work, I noticed that several pieces of his clothes missing and my gut instinct told me that he was with the OW. Sure enough, I drove down to her place and saw that my husband's car was in the parking lot. He was with her. I called him and he told me that he was at work and called him a liar and that he and her could come back to her place so that we 3 could talk. From there, he insisted that I didn't have to talk to her because this was between him and me and that he was the one that went after her. I called the OW and told her that he and I were going to be talking at our place and that she should be there. She agreed and because she was coming my husband choose to bail on the talk.

Since he bailed, she and I talked and found out that my husband had been playing the both of us. He never told her that he wanted to come back to me all he kept telling her was that he was so unhappy. And in the meantime, my husband was trying to come back to me. I always wondered why whenever I asked him if he was ready to come back to me, his answer was "I don't know." During the talk with the OW, I would fly off the handle and mention things like: I'm going to my lawyer's. If you want him, you can have him. She didn't come out and say she wanted him, but mentioned that for her to take him back he would need to do a lot for her. I'm now having second thoughts whether or not I want a divorce - I know that I need to take care of myself. I don't want to live in a world of lies and I don't think that I can ever trust him again. But since reading this website, maybe there is hope for us...maybe I jumped the gun when I said I'd go see my lawyer.

I know that they have talked the past couple of days because he has called me and tells me that it was wrong for me to tell her certain things - things that I never said to her. It hurts me because I always thought that he knew me and those things that she told him I said, I would never say no matter how angry I was.

My husband and I have yet to discuss divorce or seperation. What to do I don't know.

Ouch...welcome to MB...sorry you're here.

This affair stuff...is chaos..it's really difficult..and we all deal with it differently.

I was like you..didn't find this website until after I threw my H out..and told OW she could have him.

It's not too late. Read up on Plan A.

Start posting, getting some knowledge, get a copy of Surviving An Affair..and get to work.

The ability to get past this is within YOU.

And on a footnote...in the end...I got my ultimate wish..and that was the fact I had made the mistake to tell OW..I don't want him..you can have this lying cheating man. I was able to recant myself and take a stand..told her...this was MY HUSBAND...and I wasn't going anywhere.

It made all the difference.

Hang in there.

Thanks for responding. I've been toying with the idea of calling the OW and telling her that he's my husband and that I was going to keep fighting for my marriage. But when she and I did talk, she had told me early in their 6 month relationship that he was already discussing a future with her. Whenever I remember that I begin to think that it is too late. Do you think that I should tell her this?

Also, how soon is too soon to bring up Plan A with my husband? I have an appointment with my attorney next week and I'm so afraid that once the papers are filed there will be no hope for him and me. So much confusion.

dreams,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've been toying with the idea of calling the OW and telling her that he's my husband and that I was going to keep fighting for my marriage. But when she and I did talk, she had told me early in their 6 month relationship that he was already discussing a future with her. Whenever I remember that I begin to think that it is too late. Do you think that I should tell her this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No need to call her yet. That time will come. My H and his XOW talked about marriage and children. Talk is cheap. It's all common place for this type of thing. Chalk it up to affair babble. They've never had a relationship..they've had a secret liason...that is a far cry from real life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, how soon is too soon to bring up Plan A with my husband? I have an appointment with my attorney next week </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't tell your H about Plan A...this plan is FOR you. And if you HAVE a plan...it's easier to get through the days. Plan A is hard..I won't lie to you...and you just start DOING IT.

You call your H...RIGHT NOW..and tell him you had a change of heart. That your emotions are coming down a bit and you're able to think clearer. You tell him you're not ready to call it quits on your marriage, not until you know you've done everything you can to save it from this demise.

You don't bring up OW, you don't bring up YOUR intentions..you just start Plan Aing you're little butt off !!!!

Think of this as a marathon not a sprint.

DO NOT CALL OW... that is a mistake right now. Think of it this way...if you bad mouth her, harass her...your H will use this against YOU... it's happened many times over.

For now...stand your OWN ground...let the rest take care of itself.

I'm still here..keep posting.

After all these months of letting my husband know that I do love him and that I'm not abandoning him and only getting the response of "I know" - I just feel as though I'm talking to a brick wall. So if I call him and tell him that I'm thinking clearer and not ready to call it quits on our marriage, I don't know how he would react. Do I wait for a reaction or do I just leave him thinking about what I've said? I'm starting on my Plan A so that I'm able to get through all this. As for the attorney, should I put him on hold until after Plan A?

Before you start Plan A, click on the link in my signature line and read the Plan A links.

Affairs end. This one will. Plan A will hasten that.

dreams,
john is right...this will fade...just leave him wondering..don't push. Just become an expert Plan A'er.
Plan A can and does work..there are many people over on GQII that can attest to this..including myself.
You can still see the attorney, just to cover you bases...don't serve any papers..and don't let your H know this is what you've done. This is a sign to him that you're not serious.

The boards don't usually have server issues like yesterday...so keep checking in.