1CG,

Let's see what I have just read here. She doesn't understand why you would worry about pregnancy with her, or why you would worry about STD's with her. In short she has no worries about the marriage, children of the marriage or your health. Do I have that right?

Further you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Finally, another interesting observation. My wife stated that, since I've been treating her with the same mix of impeccable politeness, tenderness and love post-DD as I did before, she couldn't see that I was deeply hurt inside. Basically, she felt I dealt with the infidelity issue "once and for all", and "moved on". She says she now can't understand why I would be bringing it up, even if she starts the conversation that somehow relates to it (e.g., safe sex). So, in essence, Plan A strategy (be the best spouse you can be, control LBs, meet ENs, etc.) in our case masks my true emotions and makes it difficult for my WW to understand the severity of her misdeed. Very revealing and surprising. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She does not feel the need to address her adultery because you don't seem to show what she would expect. Suggesting that as far as she is concerned that infidelity is OK, unless the spouse goes around the bend and starts tearing up a house or a person or some such nonsense. There is nothing wrong with plan A, the failure is within her. Her inability to empathize with what she did to you, and her inability to realize what she did was wrong whether or not you "go off on her", is the mark of a child who has not matured enough to focus on anyone but themselves. Even her dream is about HER hurt because you would be with an another woman, not your hurt.

1GC, you have some serious thinking to do. I think she is covering up what she KNOWS is a bad thing, by shifting blame from herself to your response and actions. It is not unusual, but it is cause for thought and reflection.

God Bless,

JL

Greetings, JL,

A quick update. It's been about 2.5 months since D-Day, and I am starting to experience a delayed, but very potent bout of anger, which seems to sabotage a fairly successful Plan A in progress. I am not quite sure as to what might be helpful in stemming it, but would appreciate some advice.

Initially, the most hurtful aspect of an affair was the discovery of a grievous breach of trust. Then things settled down as I concentrated on Plan A and, later on, on the career opportunity my wife had in NYC. With the encouragement of many helpful posters, I started exploring the idea of letting my wife move there to pursue her career opportunity. Last week we went there together to look at possible compromise arrangements. Regretfully, this trip triggered a fit of visceral jealousy I never thought I was capable of. We are now fighting every day over this proposed move. My wife seems stunned to realize the depth of this delayed anger I had in me. I understand that, as far as LBs go, this is probably not helping anything. However, I seem unable to shake off the emotional impact of this delayed realization of other facets of the affair.

There were some things about this job opportunity that felt like red flags, perhaps undeservedly. Her prospective boss is a single guy, just a couple of years older than me. The primary editing studio is in his home. For some reason, this really set me on edge. I couldn't believe the avalanche of visual stuff involving the OM that was triggered by a simple conversation about work arrangements.

Now, what do I do? I feel anger and jealousy taking over. I am truly miserable and not in control of the situation. My wife is confused and surprised that I am reacting in such way. External situation is no better. Her job offer involving this move to NYC is supposed to be finalized this week. My Mom's second cancer surgery is the week after. I've got work problems piling up to the ceiling because I took time off to help my wife. I feel Plan A is unraveling.

Advice is appreciated, as always.