A month ago I found out about my 25-year old wife of 15 months having an affair while on vacation in her home country (she's now back in the US).

I confronted her with a Plan A/Plan B strategy. She agreed to Plan A. The separation with the other guy is absolute (6,000 miles apart), I monitor her email and phone conversations. I also spoke with the other guy, and am confident now he won't be a problem again. So far, things are progressing well.

Now, to complicate things, my wife just got a job offer of her young life, and even I can see it as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for her career. Problem is, this job will move her to the East Coast (we're on the West Coast right now) for about a year, so our marriage will become a long-distance relationship for several months (I can't move there because of my job and certain support obligations to my parents). We have no kids, though.

I see this as a major deal-breaker for Plan A, even though technically it has nothing to do with the affair. I need her here, supporting me, my parents (my mother, who lives locally, has been recently diagnosed with cancer), and working on restoring our marriage per Plan A she agreed to. To me, sacrificing her once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity is the price she has to pay for breaking my trust by having an affair.

To her, I imagine, I am seen as an angry, controlling husband who has no regard for her career aspirations and her need for an independent identity. She's lost her parents at an early age, so the whole issue of support obligations to MY parents is difficult for her to deal with. She's friendly with my Mom, but probably doesn't see herself obligated to stick around and see the cancer saga through.

As for the move to another city, my wife says she loves me, and will make every effort to maintain the relationship. She points to the fact that we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). She says she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume, as her initially promising career took a dive after she abandoned everything and came to the US with me (somewhat true). Since she would be getting a significant income boost, she promised to funnel excess funds towards my Mom’s medical bills.

However, after her recent affair, I have major trust issues about allowing my wife to take a job in a city 2,000 miles away, even though there’s no chance the other guy will ever try to join her there. So…if she decides to accept this job offer, I want to push Plan B right away and also file for a legal separation. I am not prepared to go the divorce route right now, given all other things happening in my life.

However, should we work out our problems and stay together, I am concerned about the lifetime of resentment I can bring upon myself by forcing her to abandon her dream job. I don’t want to be blamed forever for failures she will inevitably connect to not having this opportunity available to her.

How do I negotiate an acceptable compromise here? Does all this sound logical to you, or am I being too extreme? We’ve been to a marriage counselor, and she did state some concerns about my wife feeling totally dominated due to our recent move to the US, cultural adjustment issues, disparity in career, social status, etc. And, of course, as all victimized spouses, I want to be fair, but don’t feel I have to bend over backwards.

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

Hello,

I think you need to look carefully at the facts.
You have been married only 15 months and as soon as your wife visits her home country she engages in an affair and betrays her wedding vows. She now is offered a great job which would result in you both being apart for at least a year?

There are some very serious issues with your wife that would allow her to cheat on you after less than a year and a half of being married. She should be working overtime to regain your trust.
I do not see how this is possible if she moves away for a year from you. I am just guessing but it sounds like she needs companionship. She has proven she is weak and willing to betray her marriage. I think the chances are great that this separation would probably lead to the end of the marriage. I do not see you as controlling. There are consequences to her actions of betraying your marriage.

It sounds to me that she views your marriage as a very low priority. First, she engages in an affair after 15 months of marriage and second, wants to live apart for a year half way across the country to make her resume look stronger. Are we to assume she would never have such an opportunity again for the rest of her life? The bottom line it seems to me is that your marriage is not very important to her and that again it is at the bottom of her priority list. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult to begin with. The fact that you are trying to recover from her betrayal compounds it. Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions in the past and her desire to live apart for a year speaks volumes. Don't you agree?

Thanks for advice.

The way I see it, I have four basic options here.

1. Send my WW back to her home country. This will terminate her East Coast job opportunity, return her to her familiar life and surroundings, and pretty much end our relationship. I would initiate divorce proceedings in this case.

2. Force/persuade her to stay with me in our current location. This also terminates her East Coast job opportunity, with a chilling effect on her career. I expect major resentment over this. Before we got married, we agreed on being a 2-career family. The way things are not going well for her here in the US career-wise, I am seeing a big cloud looming ahead in our marriage. Plus, she hates our current locale -- transatlantic relocation is not for everyone, I guess. However, I am not in a position to move anywhere right now due to the situation with my parents.

3. If she decides to take the job, push for Plan B-type cutoff in spousal benefits and initiate legal separation. The intent here would be to illustrate what she will lose by taking the job in another city.

4. Support her taking the job based on the premise of "set something free -- if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was". Divorce her if she doesn't come back, gain goodwill and negotiating leverage if she does. With my job, ailing mother, etc. it may actually lower my stress level somewhat to not have my wife around. If she fails in this high-level assignment, benefits of spousal support will be highlighted.

Obviously, I cannot make her stay. I don't have anyone to appeal to in order to "shame" her into staying. Her friends are all in another country. The only living relative is a grandmother who will literally die if she learns what her little granddaughter has been up to. Leverage I see is in threatening Plan B (loss of spousal benefits -- right now she's taking them for granted), pushing for legal separation (my wife doesn't want a divorce, and knows that LS is a pre-cursor to divorce). Going behind her back to effect the company's withdrawal of the job offer is too underhanded, IMO.

What else might I have in the negotiating arsenal that I am not noticing?

I'm at a loss here.

Your first obligation is your wife, not money, not your parents, not careers. Why else did you get married ?

There is no such thing as a once in a lifetime career opportunity. That statement is highly overrated. Furthermore, your job/career should never come by way of huge sacrifices...everyone loses here.

You can't force, demand, or coerce your wife into anything. What kind of grounds of marriage is that ?

Talk about it, agree upon it.

I think from the sounds of things neither of you was mature enough or emotionally ready for this marriage.

After being married less than 1 1/2 I don't understand the long distance thing back and forth, her country, the US, west coast, east coast...what's the deal ? Could you be more specific ?

I'm sorry about your mom's diagnosis.

Be honest with yourself..you'll never move away from your parents..it sounds like they need your help in ways you're not clear about..but unless they aren't "there" anymore..it doesn't seem you're going very far. I'd accept this..and talk to your wife. This decision affects BOTH your futures..not hers...if you can't come to a decision together...you'll both have to do what's best for yourselves.

1coolguy

It’s a bit unclear from your post why after 15 months of M your wife was in her own country and having an affair. Did she leave you or was she visiting her Grandmother, if not why was she travelling alone??

Just seems to be a strange behaviour after such a short period of M.

I think there are some serious issues in your relationship and I wonder if your wife’s idea of M are entirely different from your own. From your post it seems she thinks its an arrangement where you can do anything to suit yourself without any consequences & you have to accept it.

Ok bottom line from my own experience is that she needs to demonstrate to you she is committed to this M or not. Its really that simple.
Now knowing how much a career means to a woman, I have great sympathy for her desire to have the job she wants, I want it myself, But it’s a matter of priorities, the M or the career.

I think you need to be firm but gentle in placing your situation before her, because you cannot MAKE her do anything.
Why is it a choice between M or career? Because she - like me btw - committed adultery and this is one of the consequences of her actions. She has placed herself in this situation not you.

Now, she expects you to accept her being absent for 7 to 12 months , and probably more because of your parents, and for you to accept it when the you haven’t even resolved the affair issue let alone what I suspect are relationship issues???
So what are you, an employment enabling service or a husband???? I don’t think she knows.

Come on be real here 1coolguy.

After only 15 months and an affair either you work on your M together or separate. I can only see disaster ahead if she goes off right now & a lot of pain for you trying to keep together the trust and love which I have to say from your post does not seem to be returned. Have you noticed you don’t talk about ‘love’ between you here??

betrayedinjersey and aussiewife, thanks for advice.

Some more info for your review.

Me: 33, aerospace company manager
My wife: 25, international TV journalist for a forein network
Her summer travel that led to an affair: work-related, personal property related (she needed to sell a condo), visiting Grandma, friends, etc. She was gone for 3 months. I couldn't go simply because I didn't have that much vacation and my Mom's diagnosis came at that time.

Her East Coast opportunity is unique in the sense that it would catapult her into the top tier of correspondents at her network. She would be watched by 50-100 million viewers in her homeland almost every night. Heady stuff for a 25-year old girl who wants to become a TV star. Of course, she can also fail in this job.

Re value system, of course we are different. I would never cheat on her. In her original concept most marriages included infidelity, so her summer fling was no big deal. Now she says she truly understands she loves me and me alone, and will stay faithful. The trauma of being found out makes any affair not worth it, in her current opinion. She also knows that a second affair means automatic divorce, and she doesn't want a divorce.

Remember, she's a 25-year old, in many ways behaving like a 17-year old.

Any advice regarding the 4 options I outlined in my previous post?

very late here so I will post more 2morrow.

but it would appear she has already decided to go is my guess from your posts and your options...am I close????

You really only have 3 options, plan B her which won't mean much from her past behaviour, remember she will probably be wined & dined and fussed over for a while, danger just there;

Separate now & plan for divorce;

Much like your last option & see how things go, but with some strict rules on where she goes with whom, always being available on mobile, but with date & time lines between you then goodness knows how you can work on your M like that.

But you still have not ans that biggy have you, what about LOVE & COMMITMENT from her to the M.
I see you willing to give but but what has she been willng to give.

To be blunt I don't see her giving up much leaving her homeland wanting such a career, she would have had to do so in any case probably to obtain what she wished, so maybe it was not such a sacrifice up front, but the more subtle things like culture and Grandma would have been difficult. Even so, how reasonable is it to ask you to leave where your parents are when your Mum is sick? the ans is any reasonable person would not.

You really need to think hard on this. Are you getting any professional help?? any MC etc

aussiewife, again, thanks for advice.

The problem in this whole situation is that I DO control my wife's decision. She CAN'T decide to go on her own. Her immigration status in the US is through me, and if we do divorce, she has to return back home.

Now, do you see the difficulty I am in? I have trouble trusting anything she says. She has direct interest in maintaining the marriage because of this career opportunity.

You say Plan B will mean nothing to her...why?

Hello again,

When I read your last message it seems pretty clear now. She wishes to stay married to you to continue her successful career. She has a sexual affair with someone else within a year and half of marriage as soon as she is out of your sight.
Now she wants to split on you for her career for at least a year. I think you need to face the facts and I think you have done this. Your wife is not committed to your marriage and her prime motive is to legally be married to you so she can enhance her career. You deserve better than to be used this way. My guess is that you should move on and find someone in the future who truly loves you and is willing to respect the committment to a marriage. Your wife has shown she is not this type of woman. You have all the power now but why wish to be married to a person who wishes to remain married to you so she can use you solely for her successful career. You deserve more than this and I think you know this also. Her actions speak for themselve. I wish you luck.

1coolguy,

So let me see she wants to separate which leaves her legally married, but I would guess she views separation as a licence to date and see other men right??

You are in the unenviable position of possessing a nuke when all you really wanted is a gernade. I do think this marriage is over unless somehow you two can reach some understanding about the very fundamentals of marriage. I suspect that at 25 she doesn't even undderstand the fundamentals herself. Hence you have a big problem.

But, 1coolguy, let me ask you something. If you were convinced she loved you and would be faithful to you, what would be the best case scenario for you? What would you do and why? I ask this because let's say she is successful in her career and she starts to move up. You would want that right? But, the problem in your field there are NOT many positions in the major media markets, perhaps other than LA. So are you willing to give up your career so that you can move with her as she moves up the chain in her field. Further, are you ready to move back to her part of the world, because if she stays with her current company and she is successful they will want her back with her own demographics right.

I realize I am painting a gray picture here, but one should plan for success because it is often harder to handle than the alternatives. What is your plan if SHE is successful and you two remain married?

With a little help, we can make this problem impossible for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But, really you do need to expect that she will be successful. Assuming that all other issues are handled.

God Bless,

JL

BryanP and JL, thanks for advice.

To clarify things, my wife doesn't want a legal separation. There's no request for a "license" to date other men. She wants my permission to move to another city for a period of 6 to 12 months with an aim to gain experience and move up in the company, so that they would set up an office on the West Coast, with her as the top dog.

As for maintaining the relationship, she promises to spend 2 weekends per month plus holidays and vacations with me. She agrees to monitoring her email and phone records as anti-infidelity measures, plus remain accessible by mobile phone at all times. Our Plan A agreement included automatic divorce if a second instance of infidelity was discovered; by now, she is convinced I will find out, so another affair may not be worth it.

BryanP, I don't think my wife ever viewed living in the US as a distinct advantage. It took me a year to convince her to abandon her homeland and move here. Therefore, I don't think she's using me for the continued US residence status, per se.

JL, we did a fair amount of "planning for success", so to speak. I have no difficulty in moving to her homeland, which also happens to be mine. In fact, with my parents aging and wanting to retire "back home" in a few years, we probably will not stay in the US long term. Indeed, this eventuality was one of the reasons I didn't want to marry an American, aside from other cross-cultural issues.

Bottom line is, it seems everyone thinks that Plan B would not help here. So my choice is between supporting her career move or pushing for a divorce if she doesn't stay with me. How would I address her possible resentment if she ends up staying with me but loses the career?

Hi 1coolguy,

I just wanted to throw in my two cents. You both are quite young and you seem to be handeling the infidelity issue very well. Also, by being available on the mobile all the time and giving you access to all of her e-mauils etc., it seems that your wife is trying very hard to rebuild your trust. I think I would let her go in this situation. On aspect of a successful marriage is that both partners enable and support each other to fulfill their potential. I want my wife to be all that she can be, and am extremely proud of all that she acheives as I feel that I play an important role in all of her acheivements. If you really love your wife, show her by supporting and encouraging her as much as possible. By letting the past influence your decision, you risk embittering yoour wife and setting yourself up for more problems in the future.

CuriosityKilledTheCat, thanks for posting.

Email and phone monitoring is something we negotiated in the wake of discovery of the affair. Once she's out of sight, it's not very meaningful. So I would not rate her too highly on working to rebuild my trust.

The question is, do you believe that a marriage can be repaired after a recent affair if the wayward spouse's priority is not on rebuilding it, but on her career, especially with the 2000 mi move element thrown in?

1coolguy,

If you are planning on returning to your home country anyway, and there is a possibility that she may come back west( I would worry about that) then what have you got to lose??

It seems to me if you divorce her you lose her. If you let her go, you lose her, but you may get her back. Given the new information you have given, it seems as if there is a chance that your lives could converge if she is successful. There are also many ways it might not, but at least there is a reasonable chance.

So this gets down to a relatively simple decision really. If you love her and want to be married to her, then you stay married and you let her go. If you don't want to be married to a woman you cannot trust, then you let her go. In either case it is an act of love in the long run.

Your choice.

God Bless,

JL

JL, thanks again. You are very good at distilling and clarifying.

I guess the basic problem I have is the lack of trust. Deep down in my heart, I am afraid of trusting my wife and getting more of the same treatment I got this summer. Because of the timing of her job offer, she's not giving me the time to regain my trust.

Another aspect of letting her go for an extended period of time (should she ultimately divorce me) is her potential accrual of financial and legal liabiltiies. If she runs up a huge debt (or kills someone) while on her East Coast adventure, I don't want to be responsible for it. A legal separation would protect me, but is it the right thing to do?

BTW, why would you worry about my wife coming back West?

1coolguy,

Well I would worry because the job offers and the job she has been offered may well be so seductive that she will NOT want to leave them and the money that goes with them. "Stardom" and money are very seductive things. Most don't handle these things that well.

As for your trust, perhaps you might want a separation if you fear that she is financially irresponsible I don't know. But, the reality is that your lack of trust is going to be difficult to address. If you ask that she stays, and she agrees out of guilt, then she will have "proved" something to you, but the cost will be huge. I cannot assess her drive and need for advancement at this point only you can. But, she is young, and she doesn't see the problems that doing what she wants to do will cause. So not seeing the problems, she will NOT understand you short circuiting her career because you don't trust her.

The promises she has made will be difficult for her to keep and she does not know how difficult traveling coast to coast can be on a bi-weekly basis. I don't want to be negative on this, but I see many problems, but I don't have the advantage of youth and optimism <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , which is why most good things come from the young. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She does not see that she may in fact lose you, because when she is gone, YOU may decide to seek greener pastures as well. You are very vulnerable at this point.

So your options are not really options are they? I think you will find as I have in my life, that when one is faced with a BIG choice, it really us NOT a big choice, because while there are options, there is really only one that works. I'm thinking it will be she moves to the east coast is that option.

It is not optimal, but I somehow doubt that keeping her there will solve the issues, and I don't know what else you can do. Frankly, the person that would need to decide not to do this to your marriage is your W. And she does NOT see the harm and damage she has done, I am not sure she ever will until someone does something like that to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The odd thing about marriages is that it is two people willingly coming together to make one. One person cannot make a marriage, so if her heart is set on going, you can have her stay, but I doubt her heart would be in it. That leaves you with choices of course.

I guess I am saying that you are worrying about the wrong things and your list of choices really aren't your choices to make. She has to decide to stay or go. You really cannot make that decision and enforce it. You then have to decide what you will do with her decision and how you will handle it. You can support her career and risk a lot doing it. Or you can decide that the risk is too great and end it.

It seems to me it is about risk/reward on your part. You have to make that call.

God Bless,

JL

I am smiling as I write this ...should I?

So I decided to show my beloved, as KTulu wrote, "the Attractive Package of Being Married to Me". Today is an anniversary of our romantic meeting overseas, so I reckoned I'd go for a romantic getaway. Meet some ENs, dissolve some LBs, relax, have fun, etc.

Asked my wife whether she was working today, received a quite intrigued "no, what are you up to?" response, went into the planning mode. Booked a bed & breakfast one-night package at a 5-star resort, complete with an oversize Jacuzzi, dazzling mountain/city lights view, big-screen TV, room service to die for, etc. Made reservations for dinner at a snobby restaurant there, invited my wife to join me for a sunset dinner (kept everything else hush-hush in order to surprise her). Everything else in the package was perfect: a thoughtful gift, a romantic card, showered at work, nice suit, the works!

Lights, camera, action!

I show up at the resort restaurant, my wife is already there, waiting for me (this happens once in a century). I look handsome, and she seems distraught. She goes to the restroom, and I stuff the gift and the card into her handbag. She comes back, we sit down, order some food. She opens the handbag, finds the gift, reads the card, smiles. I toast our marriage and start talking about my great getaway TONIGHT idea. She stops me right there by explaining that her TV network called in the morning and asked for a last-minute US election coverage story, and, even though she told them she'd take the day off, she just couldn't say no. So, she'd have dinner with me and then go to work in order to get a story out by 1 am (in time for am broadcast in her home country). "Thanks, darling, I'll be back very late and see you in the morning."

I sit there absolutely dumbfounded. Then I calmly try to explain the great significance of this particular day in our history and why I really wanted to spend the evening with her. In fact, I pissed off my very new boss by walking out of an executive meeting in order to get to my dinner date on time. She gets very defensive and says, "look, I am not a big shot at work, like you are, and people like me cannot afford to say no to high-profile assignments like this one".

When confronted with unpleasantries, I don't get angry, I get pensive. My wife calls this my "mafia don look". So, having detected the look, she tells me she is now upset that I am upset, so it's time to leave. She borrows my notebook computer and drives off to finish her story. I go home after finding out the resort would not return a penny for the honeymoon suite I rented. Congratulations, I just spent about a grand for a tasty small meal!

I get home to see she left it an absolute pig sty when she rushed off in the morning -- dirty dishes and her clothes everywhere! Further, I figure we'll owe about $20 in late fees because she didn't return Blockbuster DVDs (she promised me she would). For whatever reason, this pisses me off more than the honeymoon suite $$ hit. I wonder why.

Then I sit down and start laughing.

Are you having fun reading this?

1coolguy,
Is your wife remorseful? And if so is it just because she got caught.

I can just speak from personal experience here but if my wife decided to relocate shortly after DDay irregardless of whether or not it was for the "oppurtunity of a lifetime" our marriage would not have survived.

Just because you and your wife each decided to stay in the marriage does not mean your marriage has recovered.

There is alot of work ahead for both of you.

You said you still have trust issues. I understand that. I've been there. It won't get fixed quickly. It's a process. It takes time. Trust has to be earned by showing a consistent change in behavior as well as by the FWW showing true remorse for her selfish behavior.

Selfish behavior is another issue. An affair is the single most selfish act a human being can inflict on their spouse. Now your wife wants to take off for 6-12 months to focus yet again on her favorite topic, herself. I'm speculating here but my guess is that the focus is usually on her and rarely on you.

JL, I think said that you are very vulnerable right now. That is very true. A male BS is very likely to have a revenge affair.

Your wife seems to be similar to mine in a few senses. The focus of her remorse appears to be on the fact that she was caught.

She also is hurredly creating distractions to take the focus off of her horrible behavior. She's probably in the typical FWS mode of "let's move on" ie "hurry up and get ovet it bc I'm tired of talking about it."

I wish you luck in dealing with your wife.

Mac

1coolguy

sorry for not ans your question back a few days ago but I was dealing with the reality of my H going back to the war and frankly not doing it very well despite what I have written.
Anyway I am glad to see the question was ans anyway by a lot people.

The situation re the surprise dinner and romantic night, well I can understand that being in her job it was quite likely that she would be asked to cover the election. That I think is just plain bad luck and I do think it should be looked at in that way.
However her response to it does leave a lot to be desired.
I would have expected her to be as upset as you on learning how much you had planned to make a special night for both of you and being unhappy at having to work.
But from your post it would seem she was preoccupied with wanting to leave to get to the job.
In fact it would seem from all your posts that as soon as you want to discuss your relationship your w wants to go to work, is on the way to work, is at work.
You need to talk to her seriously about what is going on.
I think to a large extent your w is like many of us were when younger. She wants it all and cannot see why she can't have it.
Life experiences show that you really can't have it all, you have to give some things up to have something else. That’s just the way life is.

From your posts I'm not sure your w is mature enough to accept compromise is a 2 way operation in M. That is probably a result of her upbringing and life experience to date. It doesn't mean she can't obtain the knowledge it just means she's not there yet.

Is it selfish? SURE, but then so was I, so was my H so were most of us at a younger age. But most of us to some extent or another gave that up during the early years of m. Unfortunately you have some huge issues to deal with in your first year, you haven't even got off the starting blocks.

The surfacing of all these issues, especially adultery so shortly after being M when lets face it honestly 1cg, you BOTH should have been in honeymoon mode still even if she was o/s visiting family, leads to many floating the idea that she M you for other motives.
I'm not sure its that simple, but there are some concerning signs here too.

You are also in a very powerful position as far as the M and her career in the US goes. I agree you need to be careful here if you have any hope of the M working at all.

OK what can you do?

First I suggest you need a good strong M counsellor who is pro M as there are many issues here. Get both of you going right now!!!

You need to really ask the hard questions, some I suggest are very simple……..
Wife why did you marry me?
Do you love me or only care for me? Etc, etc and don’t settle for glib answers like ‘Of course I love you’, why, how, etc is important here.

I think in your circumstances the basics need to be ans because it all looks pretty shaky to me.
And you need to do this before any decision is made on her move East or not.

I still don’t see one sign in all your posts of her demonstrating love or commitment, and I still don’t see how you can work on your M living a few thousand miles apart.

Mac, aussieswife, thanks for advice.

Lately, things have gone quiet. For some reason, my wife's company isn't pushing the job offer anymore. A few weeks ago it was, "we need you yesterday", now she can't get a hold of her contact. Interesting...

Emotionally, I feel very tired and strangely reconciled to the idea of her leaving, if she so wants. I am OK with the idea of divorcing her, with the idea of her going to the East Coast, and with the idea of her staying with me. I can't bring myself to feel passionate about seeing my point of view prevail. Is this kind of "post-DD fatigue" typical?

My wife told me something interesting a few days ago. Apparently, she had a series of dreams about me having sex with other women. Even though it was just a dream, she felt very hurt and jealous, and even asked me to not go on a real business trip! I wonder whether some type of "right" thinking is taking place in her head.

Secondly, she said she felt very hurt by my consistent refusal to engage in intercourse without a condom. I explained to her I didn't want to take any risks with pregnancy at this point and couldn't trust her emphatic claims that all of her PA sex was safe. She stated she couldn't really see our relationship surviving unless I started to trust her again. In response, I sent her a weblink on getting tested for STDs, and that had an unfortunate effect of setting off a big argument. Oh well, better safe than sorry.
I had the OM test himself and send me a copy of his (negative) test report, but those can be faked, I assume.

Finally, another interesting observation. My wife stated that, since I've been treating her with the same mix of impeccable politeness, tenderness and love post-DD as I did before, she couldn't see that I was deeply hurt inside. Basically, she felt I dealt with the infidelity issue "once and for all", and "moved on". She says she now can't understand why I would be bringing it up, even if she starts the conversation that somehow relates to it (e.g., safe sex). So, in essence, Plan A strategy (be the best spouse you can be, control LBs, meet ENs, etc.) in our case masks my true emotions and makes it difficult for my WW to understand the severity of her misdeed. Very revealing and surprising.

Now that we hit a "plateau" in our relationship recovery, what is the next step? I just feel too tired to do anything, plus cancer things with my Mom have been taking up time. All advice is appreciated, as usual.