Hello, I posted for the first time on Sept. 15 and received some very supportive feedback that helped me a great deal. Since then, I've been lurking, almost daily, reading and gaining knowledge and support from others' posts. But, now, I want to share a problem I'm having, ask some more questions of those of you who are so gracious to share your experiences and your wisdom. If you're interested, please go back and read my first post for background info.

Since first learning of my husband's ongoing infidelity with porn and prostitutes early in our marriage, I've felt that I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. I do take AD's, thank God -- otherwise, I'd probably have gone under by now.

I'm also probably going to end up in IC; he said he would go to MC with me if I wanted, but he doesn't really feel it's necessary, since he overcame his sex addiction 15 years ago on his own; he's usually very supportive and helpful, but he truly believes we can get through this without MC. This is his normal cycle: to let me take care of all business. I know if I made the appointment and said we're going, he would go. However, I've expressed that I would like for him to initiate MC to show his support of me for a change, but he hasn't. I plan to stop allowing him to put all responsibility on me, so I'm silently refusing to bring it up to him again. I'll look out for myself -- I've certainly learned how to do that in this marriage.

I've made a commitment to my H that, as long as he continues to do all the things he is doing to support me and help me deal with this AND as long as he continues reading (Every Man series by Arterbaum -- excellent material!), I will stay with him. We have a relationship that goes back to our own childhoods, plus four children of our own, and unbelievable debt that bind us together. Plus, he is truly trying to change. Everyone who knows him says he is a different man.

Now, on most days, I feel ok and I'm hopeful for our future. However, some days are just the pits! For some reason, weekends seem to be the worst. I usually spend Saturday night crying my eyes out over one thing or another. Then, I'm all puffy and can't make myself show my face at church. That's bad, because I feel that we need church to continue growing in the direction we want to go. It is through his finding a relationship with God that all of his change (and his revelation of the infidelity) have come about.

Yesterday (Saturday), my crying <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> was because of several things that piled up on me:

First: he had worked all day, which is unusual for a Saturday. I KNOW he was working. He wore his work uniform, he called me several times in the afternoon and caller ID showed it was from work, and his infidelity stopped many years ago, though I only learned of it in the past two months or so. The problem is that my mind keeps going THERE. It's like a voice in my head that says, "Yea, you trusted him for years, but he could be screwing around even today and you wouldn't even know it!"

Second: I was working on paying bills, and despite two good incomes, we have so much debt that we can't pay everything. We are attacking it strategically, but it does not make for a happy day. Our credit, once impeccable, is now mush.

Third: When he came home, I was sad because I had a bad day emotionally and he could tell, but he hid from me rather than trying to communicate with me. This is old behavior that he said he would not do anymore, so that made it worse.

Fourth: we had an issue with one of our children, and he sent the child to me to be dealt with. He was sitting on the sofa -- I was cleaning a bathroom. Also old behavior that he has been working on changing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It was all too much and I had a "spell". Crying, yelling, just a total emotional hissy. Of course, today I feel really stupid, but I'm also still angry with him, and I've told him so.

I guess what I want to know is this: is it normal to return THERE like I've done; and also, what can I do to avoid days like yesterday?

My eyes look like basketballs today, I feel like crap, and our children have no clue what's going on. He is at work again. He asked me to bring the children to his work and he would show us the project he's working on. I know this is his way of showing me support, and I know it's one of those love language things for him, so I will go later today. Yipee! Basketball eyes and all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Even though I promised I would hang in there, some days I don't want to. Yesterday was certainly one of them.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Well, I'll try and provide some advice here. I am just learning all this stuff myself so my advice may not be the best, but I hate to see your message go unanswered. I know when I post looking for advice I found myself checking back constantly hoping for an opinion/answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by papermom:
<strong>
First: he had worked all day, which is unusual for a Saturday. I KNOW he was working. He wore his work uniform, he called me several times in the afternoon and caller ID showed it was from work, and his infidelity stopped many years ago, though I only learned of it in the past two months or so. The problem is that my mind keeps going THERE. It's like a voice in my head that says, "Yea, you trusted him for years, but he could be screwing around even today and you wouldn't even know it!"
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is certainly understandable since you just recently discovered the A. This will take time to deal with and work through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Second: I was working on paying bills, and despite two good incomes, we have so much debt that we can't pay everything. We are attacking it strategically, but it does not make for a happy day. Our credit, once impeccable, is now mush.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This can be very stressfull to deal with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Third: When he came home, I was sad because I had a bad day emotionally and he could tell, but he hid from me rather than trying to communicate with me. This is old behavior that he said he would not do anymore, so that made it worse.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you try and communicate to him by telling him you were having a bad day and really wanted to talk about it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Fourth: we had an issue with one of our children, and he sent the child to me to be dealt with. He was sitting on the sofa -- I was cleaning a bathroom. Also old behavior that he has been working on changing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you told him (without yelling) that you are seeing his "old behavior" returning? Let him know how it makes you feel in a respectfull manner. Yelling at him will only make him shut you out and not "hear" what you are upset about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
It was all too much and I had a "spell". Crying, yelling, just a total emotional hissy. Of course, today I feel really stupid, but I'm also still angry with him, and I've told him so.

I guess what I want to know is this: is it normal to return THERE like I've done; and also, what can I do to avoid days like yesterday?

My eyes look like basketballs today, I feel like crap, and our children have no clue what's going on. He is at work again. He asked me to bring the children to his work and he would show us the project he's working on. I know this is his way of showing me support, and I know it's one of those love language things for him, so I will go later today. Yipee! Basketball eyes and all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Even though I promised I would hang in there, some days I don't want to. Yesterday was certainly one of them.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you will have these days for a while, what you need to try and do is rather than get upset and LB, try and tell him how you feel and what you would like from him.

MIF?

Thanks, MIF?
I appreciate your response and your advice – yes, I’ve wondered whether I would get a response, and yours gives me affirmation as well as a reminder that I should not LB. I’m very new to this, so that’s helpful.

In reference to my doubts about his whereabouts on Saturday, you indicated that it would take time. So, do you think you most BS’s go through that kind of reaction? As time goes on, will the trust begin to replace the doubtful thinking? How do I know I will ever be able to trust him again? I don’t want to feel like this every time he leaves for the day. I’m sick of this roller coaster!

I have to admit that I didn’t tell him I wanted him to sit down and talk with me about my day. My bad. It’s just that he KNEW, and I would like for him to do some of the work for a change. I guess I’m having a pity party, which is never healthy, I know – but sometimes I do get tired of having to take responsibility for my own part of this relationship and his, too. That’s pretty unfair of me, isn’t it? Sorry – I guess I’m venting. I know that I will continue to tell him what I need from him, but Saturday I really messed up.

At any rate, thanks again for responding; I hope your own situation is improving daily.

PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by papermom:
<strong> Thanks, MIF?
I appreciate your response and your advice – yes, I’ve wondered whether I would get a response, and yours gives me affirmation as well as a reminder that I should not LB. I’m very new to this, so that’s helpful.

In reference to my doubts about his whereabouts on Saturday, you indicated that it would take time. So, do you think you most BS’s go through that kind of reaction? As time goes on, will the trust begin to replace the doubtful thinking? How do I know I will ever be able to trust him again? I don’t want to feel like this every time he leaves for the day. I’m sick of this roller coaster!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too am new to this so I can't really help you out much here. I do think we all go through this reaction. I am hoping the trust will replace the doubt, but your S needs to demonstrate he can be trusted too. Get used to the roller coaster. I am still on it myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have to admit that I didn’t tell him I wanted him to sit down and talk with me about my day. My bad. It’s just that he KNEW, and I would like for him to do some of the work for a change. I guess I’m having a pity party, which is never healthy, I know – but sometimes I do get tired of having to take responsibility for my own part of this relationship and his, too. That’s pretty unfair of me, isn’t it? Sorry – I guess I’m venting. I know that I will continue to tell him what I need from him, but Saturday I really messed up.

At any rate, thanks again for responding; I hope your own situation is improving daily.

PM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for him knowing, you're right he probably should have known, but I look back at my situation and realize I should have known a lot of things too, but just didn't pick up on them. The only way you can be sure he knew is if you said something to him.

Good luck

MIF?

Post deleted by jaguar

PM - Have you heard about the new book by Fred Stoeker, Brenda Stoeker, Steve Arteburn and Mike Yorkey? It's called: "Every Heart Restored : A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin (The Every Man Series)". I heard the Stoekers talking about it on the radio today, and it sounded pretty good. It has only been out a few weeks, and I have no experience with it, but it is worth a try. Why don't you read it and come back and tell us about it?

Lilybelle, thanks for the encouragement. I'm hanging in there. . .

John, I've been waiting for it to arrive at Waldenbooks; they didn't have it yet a couple of weeks ago when I was there. I'll check again -- I do want to read it!
Thanks,
PM