I guess I'm curious about how people here thought about the issue of infidelity BEFORE finding out of their spouse's affair.

Prior to finding out, did you think it was better to know or not know about something like this?

My own experience: I had no idea that infidelity would sting so badly. I guess that when I thought about it in the abstract - before there was a real, tangible, event - I thought that I'd probably prefer not to know. Now, I see how foolish it was to think that way.

I can also say that I never, ever, thought that my spouse would have an A. It's interesting...my wife told me that she and the OM talked about this, and that she told him I didn't know. The OM, prince that he is, said that I "HAD to know," suggesting that it was clear that I simply didn't care. (That was an effective ploy to keep the A going and discourage her from telling me about it, in my view.)

Of course, now I know that I was wrong about a lot of things.

Hello,

This message really bugs me. The reason you did not know is because you had complete trust that your wife would believe in her marriage vows and have respect for you her husband. I don't know how you did not lose it when you heard this.

Hi Andrew,

Like you, I too thought my wife was incapable of having an affair (what a foolish belief on my part) and always thought that she and I shared a common view on marital fidelity and honesty so the subject was not much discussed in our 32 years of marriage. That having been said, perhaps you can imagine how my world was shattered when I finally learned that W had only waited 7 years before having A, getting pregnant, and having an abortion...25 years worth of lies and deceit! Now that I (believe) I know how many EAs and PAs have actually taken place, I REALLY wonder if anything I previously thought re. "us" is true.

While it may be true that "what you don't know can't hurt you" (after all I didn't know for 25 years), I can't help but wonder how much of that original "lapse" (for want of a better word) affected our marriage, how different those 25 years may have been, how that "lapse" contributed to her later infidelities, how I would have "reacted" then, had I known.

Interestingly, right up until d-day, W would tell anyone willing to listen that " *** (me) is the only man I've ever been with". Yea well, (as someone pointed out over the weekend) I could get "righteously indignant", but it wouldn't help me or my recovery so I won't go there.

Re. "the sting"...NO ONE WHO HASN'T EXPERIENCED THIS CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE THE PAIN!

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

Dbl

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>