I found out a few weeks ago that my husband of 15 years had an affair with his assistant at work. They work in a very small office - only 4 people. He says it's over and he only wants to be with me, but I get sick everytime he goes to work. He doesn't want to quit the job he loves and he can't ask her to leave because he is afraid she will sue the company (she has not threatened, but a logical fear). Am I being unrealistic in asking my husband to try to find another job? I am not saying that he has to quit today, but I think it will only make it more difficult for us to heal the wounds. His affair with her was short, but he expressed a lot of love for her (I saw several emails from him to her and vice a versa.) I find it hard for him to be in the same office with someone he had this much emotion for. What should I do?

This is just my opinion, but...it seems to me that the "No Contact means NO contact" rule applies everywhere, even in the work world. I've never done it, but...I think it would be hard to have an affair with someone and then to continue to work with that person and NOT to have lingering feelings.

Your husband should respect your wishes. Leaving the job he "loves" should be one of the consequences of betraying the woman he "loves." Actions have consequences. He needs to understand that.

If you want to be charitable, maybe you and he can negotiate a time for his leaving. Say...he'll leave in a month. That will give him time to find a new job, and it will give your family time to make any adjustements that are needed.

The difficult issue, from your perspective, is the fact that there WILL be continued contact during whatever interim period you two agree to.

Does anyone else in the office know about this?

He claims no one in his office knows, but I find that hard to believe. I am sure if they don't know that they at the very least suspect it.

H doesn't want her to know that I know because he is afraid she will feel forced to tell her fiance. (She recently became engaged during this affair - isn't that a little warped?) I too am afraid what will happen if her fiance finds out. We have two small children and I don't want them to find out about this ever, but especially from some angry fiance.

It does drive me a bit crazy that I can't confront her about this. She has been a friend of ours for the 4 years she worked for my husbad (babysitting my children, coming to my home, etc).

I know it is wrong, but I want her to feel some of the pain I feel.

We are scheduled to visit a marriage counselor this week. I am hopeful that we can begin to deal with some of the issues that got us to this point.

Well, the MB plan is to shed light on the A. Her fiance should be told.

Also your husband needs to find another job. Sorry, just the result of his choices. Even if no one else knows, you know.

Ask him nicely to start looking.

In the meantime, start on Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders.

Thanks for the link "believer". I just read the article and I plan on sharing it with my husabnd tonight. He is so wrapped up in his own grief over the affair that I have a hard time sharing mine. Everytime we start to have a discussion, he has panic attack.

I sincerely believe he loves me, but he has a habit of taking the easy way out of everything. This time though, I am not going to let him off the hook.

Thanks to you and AndrewA for you encouragement. This is helpful.

Hi Anne,

I have been around these boards for almost 5 years now, and it still amazes me that some WS still think that they can be around a former OP and heal the marriage. It does not happen.

Think of an alcoholic who is trying to stop drinking. Is it realistic to think that he can still hang out at a bar every single day? Of course not. The very idea is utterly ridiculous. So here is a rule: You can never work with someone on a daily basis who you have 1) seen naked, 2) had sex with, or 3) both. This goes for you, me, everyone.

So, it is probably unreasonable for your H to ask his assistant to leave for the simple reason that he has had sex with a subordinate. He needs to find another job. Preferably in another state or at least 300 miles away. As usual, just the opinion of a slightly overweight, middle aged, Texas lawyer.

Well, I told him last night that he needs to tell the her I know about the affair and that he needs to find a strategy for them not to work together. Of course, his reaction was not what I was hoping for, but after several hours on the phone ( he is out of town on business) he agreed that he realizes that this has to be done and that it will help us move on. While he agrees that she needs to be told right away, he wants to give it a lttle more time for them to stop working together. There are very practical, business reasons for this to happen, but I am not sure I can handle this for another 6 to 8 weeks.

We are going to a marriage counselor tomorrow for the first time and I am hoping that the counselor will be supportive of my position on this issue. I can't imagine he won't be since everything I have read, heard and felt seems to indicate this if the right move.

I am trying to be cooperative and understanding of the business aspects of this problem, but I don't feel that I really need to concern myself with this side of it. He made the choice to have the A.

Quitting his job would not create a financial hardship for us, fortunately, I have a good paying job and can support the family if needed. He really likes his company and absolutely hates finding jobs. He has a real fear in this area.

I hope I am doing the right thing - I don't want to drive him away.

Hi Anne,

I do not think you are asking for too much. I agree with Andrew - your husband's actions have consequences.

No contact is hard enough when the WS doesn't work with the OP.

My H met his OW through the workplace (an associated business), but it still bothers me that she knows his work cell phone number (that is how they communicated almost exclusively). My H finally was able to arrange for me to have a copy of his cell phone bill.

I know that finding a new job can be scary and challenging, but your H has a very important choice to make, and he needs to make it soon. If you are able to support your family with your income, 6-8 weeks is too long to wait.

Good Luck and welcome to MB!

ddc