AGh..... I am having a hard time not lashing out at my husband, not telling him what I know. I know he is still in contact with her via email, I know he still phones her and its all I can do to not let him know that I know. On one hand, I am glad I know the truth by reading his emails, but on the other hand, it hurts so much to read his feelings for another woman in black and white and then not say anything. I know I am supposed to be patient while he ends the affair and comes out of the fog, but I can't stand it!!
Anyone else have this problem?

stargaze...you are mistaken chere if you think you are not supposed to say anything. A huge part of Plan A is confronting (in a non-confrontational/LB) way how you feel about his actions. It's important that use radical honesty to say what you know and how you know it. Have you exposed this affair??

Its out in the open and has been for about 6 weeks. What I meant was that he has no idea that I am monitoring his emails so I know when he has contact with her. She does not live in town, so he has not seen her. We talk openly about the affair and I do tell him how much it has hurt me. But he does not tell me each time he contacts her - but I know (at least the emails) I think he is coming out of the fog and back to reality but its just so hard waiting for him to give her up. I know the material says it could take up to 6 mos and I am trying to be patient. But I just want her gone.
I am not sure if its a good thing to monitor his emails or not. It hurts when I read how much he loves her, etc... but I guess I would rather know the truth no matter how painful.

First, AVOID LB at ALL costs and second is to calmly, quietly and respectfully inform him that you are NOT his keeper and that you CANNOT and WILL NOT force him to end contact with the OW BUT that if it is still going on then your love for him will begin to die and if contact with the OW continues unabated, one day your love for him will finally come to an end and that you will no longer will want to be married to him even if by that time contact with the OW finally comes to an end. Let him know that the decision is his and so are the consequences. This is not a threat or an ultimatum but a simple statement of fact.

hi - I am new to this. Found out 4 months ago that my H had a 5 month A while he was away on business. He wants to stay and make this work but I can't seem to find a way to get past it. Reading some of your messages makes me realize I'm not the only one out there. I told him and the therapist that before I called it quits for good I would try to find a support group so I could talk to other people who have been through this. I truly believe only people who have had this done to them can understand the pain. I'm hoping to find some answers here that I can't seem to find anywhere else, mostly how to let the anger go. Any suggestions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I meant was that he has no idea that I am monitoring his emails so I know when he has contact with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand completely....which is exactly why you must tell him what you know and how you know it. If you two actually had a recovery plan in place...those accounts would be open to you anyway. It may be scary to lose your "monitoring" system...but you ALREADY have the information you need...contact is ONGOING...it needs to be confronted and exposed further if necessary. You must continue to respectfully request a complete end to all contact...including an no contact letter, and verifiable proof that contact has ended. Until it does...it's almost impossible to recover a marriage.

Hugs chere! I know this is so very hard.

mp64,

Welcome to the forum! Nope...you're not alone! Start a new thread and tell your story...or copy this post onto a new thread and let the folks drop in and help. Getting past this initial phase is very hard. Do you have a copy of "Surviving and Affair"....it would be invaluable for you.